The 5 conflict weapons that will destroy your relationship

When it comes to talking it out with your partner, these are the worst weapons you can use.

by: E.B. Johnson

Relationships go south sometimes. Humans are complex creatures and our love lives are even more complex. As days go by and our lives get busier, it is often our links with our loved ones that suffer the most. When communication and connection break down, it takes knowing both yourself and your partner to make the meaningful changes needed to turn things around.

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, and it can also be one of the most transformative parts. Through our conflicts with our partners and spouses, we can open up important new channels of communication and make discoveries about ourselves (and them) that lead to more complete and realized visions of our futures. That takes knowing how to engage in conflict effectively, however, and that requires leaving behind the toxic conversational weapons we often use to “get even”.

Modern day relationships.

The age of the modern relationship is upon us, and it looks nothing like the romance of our parents and our grandparents. Marriage rates are at an all-time low, and more people are choosing to cohabitate — rather than invest in the ways of their foremothers (and fathers). Things are a bit more complex, and that includes when times are good and when times are tough.

Romantic, consensually coupled love is complex and dynamic. We fall in love quickly and we can fall out of love just as quickly. When we love, we love deeply and that can often lead to even further complexities when it comes to handling the inevitable conflicts that arise.

Part of forming happy and lasting relationships is learning how to confront issues in those relationships as they happen, something that takes both time and understanding to carefully manage. Conflict is a natural part of any partnership, but handling it can feel anything but natural. By learning more about this conflict and where it comes from, however, we can unlock a deep and lasting happiness and fulfillment that gives our relationships new meaning.

The common causes of romantic conflict.

True resolution (making our conflict worthwhile) starts by identifying the causes of the problems in your relationship. Coming face to face with these love demons isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary to get to the root of what’s going wrong between the two of you. Think of it a bit like sore: the bad stuff’s got to come out sooner or later. If you and your partner are struggling to get along, odds are one of these causes is at play.

Codependency

Codependency is one of the most common causes of relationship conflicts. When there’s codependency in the mix, both partners can become reliant on the other in a number of unhealthy ways. Codependent partners can feed on each other’s sicknesses and enable one another’s unhealthy patterns of living; it’s a toxic and heady brew that leaves people stuck and miserable for years. The result of unhealthy attachment styles, it’s imperative to avoid if you’re looking to skip the conflict.

Indifference

When relationships have lasted many years, it can sometimes result in one or both partners becoming indifferent to the other. That means the partner loses interest and is no longer concerned with putting in the time it takes to maintain a happy and healthy relationship. This kind of imbalanced investment and indifference can often be triggered by trauma, like the death of a child, or can just occur as a result of long-term neglect.

Unaddressed emotional and mental health issues

When we don’t face up to our emotional and mental health needs, it can lead to some serious problems in our romantic relationships and every other facet of ur lives. We have to take care of our own needs, or we can’t see to the needs of our partner — making for an empty and one-sided relationship. When we heal ourselves, we heal the conflict in our relationships.

Infidelity

Whether it’s emotional or physical infidelity, this type of betrayal one of the surest forms of relationship conflict and breakdown. Emotional disconnection usually drives such an action, but the result is always the same: arguments galore and a loss of trust. Hardly worth it if you’re in it for the long-haul.

Family issues

If one partner is dealing with overbearing parents or drug-addicted siblings, it can be hard to focus on the relationship and the needs of their partner. Family issues can really get in the way of our romantic relationships and cause problems where we least expect them. Fights over family issues are common, but honesty about how they’re affecting us…not so much.

Addiction

Addiction comes in all shapes and sizes. You can be addicted to drugs, to alcohol, to technology, to gambling, to porn, to relationships. There’s nothing you can’t be addicted to these days and there’s no end to the damage those addictions can inflict on your love-ties. When one partner chooses to chase their pleasure or numb their feelings over meaningful connection and commitment — conflict becomes inevitable as feelings get hurt and people lose the respect they deserve.

The 5 conversational bombs that can ruin your relationship.

When it comes to conflict with our partners, our emotions can run high and our reactions can be hard to control. Failing to effectively manage these factors can create a perfect storm of weaponized conversational tactics that seriously undermine any sort of productive resolution you might reach with your spouse. If you’re truly looking to create growth from your disagreements, these are the 5 conversational bombs you have to avoid at all costs.

Punishing with insults

When someone hurts us, irritates us, or disappoints us it can be tempting to lash out and strike back out of a sense of hurt pride and a need for revenge. This type of behavior almost always leads to further unhappiness, however, and it never gives you the resolution or peace that you’re seeking. If you punish your partner with insults and belittlement each time you get into ran argument, you’re looking at a partnership that cannot and should not stand the test of time. Insults add nothing to the dialogue, instead, they drive our partners away and lead to resentment.

Shutting down

Shutting down is one of the worst things we can do when we find ourselves in conflict with our partner. This conversational weapon causes one partner to completely wall off and stop talking, while the other goes on — beating their head against that wall. The reason that this tactic is so toxic is because no progress can be made unless both partners are committed to finding a resolution. Shutting down, rather than finding a path through, leads to a detonation of the path altogether…and an eventual detonation of hurt and resentment in your relationship.

Using your truth to criticize

We hear a lot about being authentic these days, and about speaking our truth. When that truth is used to criticize or belittle someone, however, it crosses a line that is neither productive or appropriate. Sharing your emotions or perspective with someone is one thing. Injuring them with a choice of words, or going out of your way to wound them with details that don’t matter, is another. Your partner doesn’t need to know every mean thought you’ve had, or hurtful fantasy. Even if something is truthful, it is not always necessary. Finding the line is a key to productive conflict.

Being smug

There are few things more enraging than sitting across the table from someone who is smug — especially during a heated discussion. If you roll your eyes, look away, smirk or laugh when the conversation is getting serious, then it’s a sign that you value your own perspective and feelings over that of your partners. Smug people aren’t interested in learning, and they aren’t concerned with the feelings of others. They’re concerned with mocking and being superior in all that they do. None of which equates to a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Listening to hear yourself speak

Some partners, when it comes to arguments or serious conversations, focus more on what they’re going to say next than what their partner is saying right now. They rehearse in their minds what they are going to say, and they might grandstand and lecture as though they come from a place of superiority (no matter the subject). Partners who beat their spouses to death with explanations on “right and wrong” aren’t interested in working things out. They want to hear themselves speak, and they want you to understand that they are in control.

How to resolve conflict in your relationship — the healthy way.

Learning how to avoid the above weapons isn’t enough. We have to learn how to effectively manage the conflict that arises in our relationships, or we will find ourselves losing them to resentment and emotional walls. Fighting with your partner isn’t all bad. The real issues come down to how you handle conflicts with your partner and the way you resolve them when things get nastier than you expected.

1. Be honest, always

Being open and honest about our feelings is hard, especially when those feelings are uncomfortable or negative in nature. It feels risky to just come out and say what we think, but it’s a necessary part of any healthy relationship. The only way to truly resolve conflict is to address it with courage. Take the time, take the space and open up the air between you and your partner.

Find a time and a place where you both can open up safely and securely. Don’t pick a time when you have a million things going on, and try not to plan the conversation at a time when you emotions are running at an all time high. Deep conversations (when it comes to relationships) are all about growth and creating space. Say what you need to say, but make sure your partner can also be comfortable enough to say what they need to say as well.

Expressing ourselves indirectly, or burying our hurts deep below the surface, is not constructive and it only gives our partners an unclear idea of how to respond. If your spouse or other-half has hurt you or upset you, tell them so, and tell them exactly how it’s made you feel in no uncertain terms. Let them know what you need moving forward in order to feel as though you’re in a supportive, fulfilled and loving partnership. Always give them space to do the same, however, and find a place where you can come together in the middle.

2. Let go of the blaming and shaming

It’s one thing to tell our partner how we feel, it’s another to dive into an all-out blame festival. If we’re truly looking to leave the conflict behind, we have to learn how to discuss our disagreements without blaming one another. Drop the blame game and speak clearly, from the heart and with the knowledge that we’re all just doing the best that we can.

Try to work things out from your perspective, but don’t forget to include your partner’s perspective too. Drop any presumptive statements that might otherwise make it seem as though you are assuming you know where your partner is coming from. We often struggle with perspective and struggle to see things from any other viewpoint but our own. Focus on phrases like, “I feel,” followed by solid, imperical facts that cannot be argued.

Making statements that directly assault your partner’s character are damaging to a relationship and counter-productive to finding solutions. Let them know, instead, how their behaviors made you feel and focus on descriptions rather than the specific behaviors your partner engaged in. Flip the complaints and turn them into requests, and try to describe things in a compassionate way that allows your partner to relate and better see things on your level.

3. Choose your battles wisely

Constructive discussion is all about choosing your battles wisely, and a lot of that comes down to knowing yourself, knowing your partner, and exercising some self-control. Stick to one issue at a time and stop dragging multiple topics into one discussion. Unhappy couples are the ones that insist on throwing the kitchen sink at each other in every argument. Be better (happier) than those couples.

When you’re feeling things bubbling below the surface between you, take a step back and assess where you’re truly at before approaching your partner. Stop reacting to your emotions all the time. Count to 10, or take a 24-hour cooling period to think about how you’re actually feeling and how serious those emotions actually are. Is this issue something you’re ready to wage war for? Or is it something that could take a casual mention after dinner? Get real about how you’re feeling before approaching your other half.

That’s not to say you should ignore the really critical stuff. If it’s life-or-death to your relationship, make sure to address it quickly, but at a time that’s convenient for both parties. Don’t launch yourself at your spouse over family dinner, and don’t wait for a time in the calendar — like Christmas — when tensions are running at an all time high (unless it’s absolutely unavoidable). Often, when we take a step back and look at the thing our partner has done to anger us, we see that it’s not a matter that has to be dealt with immediately. Wait until the right moment to address what’s wrong, and you’ll have a better chance of getting the resolution right.

4. Switch-up your perspective

When it comes to resolving conflict with your partner, you can’t just listen and nod. You have to really try and understand where your other half is coming from in an empathetic way. As humans, it can be tricky to step outside of our egos enough to see things from another person’s point of view. It’s absolutely key, however, in growing into the person we want to be, while cultivating the compassion and understanding that’s required to truly thrive (whether as a singleton or a couple).

Research has shown that taking a more objective perspective is helpful when it comes to resolving romantic disagreements. In one study, researchers staged a simple marital quality intervention and asked partners to write about a specific disagreement they had with their partners. In this description, they were asked to take the perspective of a neutral third party as they described the event.

The couples that engaged in this writing exercise three times a year were shown to maintain more stable levels of marital satisfaction than those who did not. This is because the act of shifting their perspective (through writing exercises) actually helped to lower their emotional distress and allowed them to better connect with and understand where their partner was coming from. Shifting our perspectives is such an important skill, and it’s one that has transformative properties not only for our relationships but our public lives as well.

5. Listen actively and mindfully

There’s nothing more frustrating than feeling as though your “other half” is not listening to you. Really, when it comes down to conflict with our spouses or partners, all we really want is for them to understand where we’re coming from and see things from our point of view. We want empathy, but we have to give it to get it. That’s where active and mindful listening comes into play.

Show your partner that you’re paying attention by using active listening techniques. Don’t just nod along and agree with everything they’re saying. When they speak, paraphrase what they’ve said back to them and offer up solutions or observations when they invite you to do so.

You can also do a perception check by making sure that you’re getting everything they’re saying correct. Ask them questions that clarify the points they’re makingand make sure that you understand the array of emotions they might be showing.These strategies not only help you prevent misunderstandings — they show the other person that you actually care.

6. Firm-up your boundary lines

One of the hardest parts of finding balance in our relationships is finding where to establish our boundaries. Our boundaries are a direct show of our self-worth, and setting them takes resolves and courage. These personal “lay-lines” protect us and give us the space we need to cultivate our own security and power. They’re important, but we have to be strong to maintain them and we have to commit to keeping them up — even when it comes to our partners.

Avoid conflicts that push you both to the brink by setting your boundaries clearly and early-on in the relationship. Don’t sacrifice on some “altar of love” and don’t put your love interest on a pedestal above yourself. Make it safe for your partner to set boundaries as well and make sure they’re respected at all times (especially in the heat of an argument or disagreement).

These boundaries should cover everything from how much time you want to spend together to your personal space. Boundaries, too, should cover what you need when it comes to intimacy and what you need when it comes to the physical and emotional natures of your partnership. Don’t shy away from what you need, and don’t shy away from sharing it with your partner. Drop the guilt and understand that not only do we all have a right to protect our own wellbeing, we also need it in order to be the best possible version of ourselves. Boundaries aren’t just a gift to self. They’re a gift to our partners too.

7. Stop over-explaining

Conflict can feel a bit like a hurricane sometimes. Once we have the chance to let loose, we get whisked away, and can end up throwing everything we can at our partners just to get it out. When you’re getting your issues out on the table, though, it’s not fair to dump your entire purse out at once. Instead, you have to put your explanations in the simplest of terms and give your partner a chance to respond. Don’t let things smolder or force your partner to guess, honesty is the best policy so just get your truth out there in it’s purest and rawest form.

Speak clearly and earnestly, sharing things from your perspective while focusing on language that is both compassionate and relatable. Listen and respond to their questions when they arise, and try to keep their point of view in mind while you do (without giving it power). Don’t talk down, but also don’t self-limit. While you might need to keep things simple, you also need to keep them honest and from the heart.

If the issue you’re addressing is complex, try to break it down with analogies and give your partner a chance and space to respond. Address things in stages, and don’t try to pack everything in at once. Focus on the benefits of what you’re saying and ask your own questions occasionally if you need to check their understanding. The real heart of every conflict is misunderstanding or disappointed expectations. Avoid both by being clear and concise when you speak, as well as honest, open and vulnerable.

8. Lose the contempt

The worst thing you can do in the heat of an argument with your partner is show contempt for them. This happens when we make little remarks that belittle our partner or hit them below the belt. It’s a nasty way to settle things and a sure-fire way to make things worse. Responding to bad behavior with more bad behavior will only compound issues and make them worse.

When we lower ourselves to tit-for-tat, we end up with a nasty quagmire that can take down our romantic lives with them. Rather than letting the nastiness ramp up, keep it to a minimum and always try to respond to negativity with positivity. Avoid the sarcasm and name-calling and opt for a more adult confrontation instead. While it might feel good (and you might feel justified) in holding your partner in contempt, you’re only causing yourself more headache in the longterm.

The most important thing is to see your partners hurt and have yours seen in return. That’s not possible if you’re both hiding behind nasty words and a dinged up sense of pride that’s more important than your relationship. Drop your ego and embrace the heart of resolution. Let go of the anger. When bad behavior is the root of a relationship issue, it can be hard to take the high road, but you have to keep the negativity from taking control if you want to make things last.

9. Take a break when it’s time

Not all conflicts can be solved in one sitting. Deep issues are complex, and they take a lot of time and personal consideration (on both sides) to addresss properly. Sometimes, it’s necessary for us to take a breath and take a step back from a conflict or argument with our partner, taking the time we need to gather our thoughts and compose ourselves.

If you and someone you love have found yourselves in a really nasty argument, don’t be afraid to hit pause and come back to things when you’re both more emotionally stable and ready to communicate. There’s nothing away with walking away, cooling off, and coming back to things once you’ve had a chance to really give it some level-headed consideration.

Walking away, even if only for a few minutes, is not only great for cooling off the anger, rage, or sadness we might be feeling — it’s also great for gaining a bit of a different perspective on things, and great for reassessing what we really want. Rather than reacting, you empower yourself to think through your thoughts, your roles, and how you want to respond. If you’re at the breaking point, take 5, and come back when you’re both ready to speak like adults.

Putting it all together…

Conflict in a relationship is unavoidable, so we must learn to handle it even-handedly, even as we seek to avoid the weaponized conversational tactics that drive us further away from one another. Rather than fighting to win, we have to learn how to fight to grow. This is called opening up a dialogue, and choosing your battles for purposes that add — rather than detract — from your relationship.

Get really and truly honest about what you’re feeling, making sure to stay true to the nitty-gritty points that might make you squirm. Conflict comes from misunderstanding and disappointed expectations. Learn how to communicate honestly and lose the blaming, shaming and below-the-belt hits. Keep it focused and positive and try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Pick your battles wisely, and practice mindful listening when you do. Building a life together is never simple, but our explanations and communication can be. Open up and minimize your conflict by engaging in some boundary-setting while dropping any contempt you might feel for your partner or your spouse. Conflict doesn’t have to be a knock-down-drag-out. It can be an action of mutual love and growth when we know how to approach it like the loving and compassionate being that we are at our core. Get real about what you want and learn how to open up to your partner the right way.