The best ways to resolve longterm conflict in your relationship

Some confrontations aren’t one-and-done. What can we do when the conflict is ongoing and our relationship’s on the brink?

by: E.B. Johnson

When you find yourself in a longterm relationship, you also find yourself dealing with a number of complicated issues and experiences — the least of which can leave both parties feeling frazzled, anxious or raw. Conflict is a normal part of every partnership, but the way we resolve it is what truly defines our relationships. Rather than letting our conflicts linger on and on, we have to find a way to find peace and a middle road together.

We can resolve the longstanding conflicts in our relationships by getting honest about our emotions, and honest about what we want from our relationships. Some battles aren’t worth fighting, and some are worth opening up a dialogue (no matter how scary that might be). If you’re dealing with a fight in your relationship that just won’t go away, get proactive about finding peace and do it before it’s too late. Some problems become bigger ones when we leave them unaddressed. Take the first step in finding relationship peace now.

When the fight isn’t over.

We’ve all be there. You come home too late, or your miss an important anniversary or milestone. Before you know it, you’re in a row with your partner, most-probably followed by a good does of the silent treatment, and other passive-aggressions that last for days. Not every fight we have with our partner is as easy as one-and-done. Sometimes, the blow ups and the mistakes are big — leading to longstanding confrontations that eat away at our partnerships over time.

If you’ve found yourself dealing with a fight that goes on and on, it could indicate some serious complications in your relationship. Or, it could indicate a serious topic that needs to be addressed (sooner rather than later) When we refuse to let things fall, or find that we can’t come to a resolution with the person that we love most, it indicates a break down in the way we’re connecting, but also a break down in the way we’re valuing the people around us.

Fights that never end are more about pride than anything else, and take a serious toll on the way we see both ourselves and our relationships. Sure, there are some issues that just take time, but resolution should always be our goal when working to create healthy, long-lasting partnerships that are resilient enough to withstand the test of time. When we truly love someone else (and ourselves) we want only the best for them, and that means peace within and without. Let go of the constant conflict and find a way back to the middle ground by cultivating the understanding and strength you need to let go.

Why conflict continues to linger in relationships.

Though we like to think of relationship disagreements as relatively easy to overcome, nothing could be further from the truth. There are a number of issues that can lead to major breakdowns in our relationships and the way we communicate with one another. As time goes on, things continue to break down as we turn away from one another and into coping and defensive mechanisms that further undermine our overall happiness.

Failing to communicate

Communication is one of the pillars of any successful relationships, and it’s the means by which we stay connected and in-tune with our partners. When one or both parties fail to efficiently maintain the channels of communication that are so crucial to a fair and balanced relationship, things break down and misunderstandings become the norm. No matter the partnership, all parties involved need to feel safe to express themselves; and no one person should hold a monopoly on feeling or expression.

Scared to open up

More often than not, conflict is allowed to linger in a relationship because the partners invovled are scared to open up. This might come from a fear of showing vulnerability, or it might come from insecure attachment or any other number of traumatic past experiences. Whatever the reason, when one or both parties don’t feel as though they can express themselves safely and openly — they start to shy away from conflict, which leads to a number of other problems.

Confusion of feelings

Our emotions are complex, and they can be uncomfortable too. Feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger and even grief are unpleasant places to dwell, so we tend to shy away from them when we can. When we don’t face up to the way we’re feeling (and confront the unpleasant way those emotions effect us), we can find ourselves confused or in a place of unhappiness that we don’t understand. The only way to resolve our feelings is to confront them, and through that confrontation we can find resolution with both ourselves and our partners and spouses.

People pleasing tendencies

If you have a high tendency to engage in people-pleasing, then it might be hard for you to handle confrontation or conflict in your relationship. Those who are concerned only with making others happy often dismiss their own feelings, to the detriment of their self-esteem and their relationship (in the long-run). Overcoming this takes realizing that conflict doesn’t necessarily mean making others unhappy. We have to consider the big picture.

Low self-esteem

When you’re down on yourself or down on what you believe you have to offer as a partner, it can lead to avoidance of confrontation or life in general. Low self-esteem is toxic, and it permeates into every aspect of our lives and personalities. Sometimes, the best thing we can do to handle conflict in our relationship is to realize the power of our personal strength and resilience again.

Self-sabotage

Self-sabotage is a subtle poison, and one that is favored by our subconscious. Feeding off our low self-esteem and insecurities, these behaviors undermine our ultimate happiness and strive only to prove our worst beliefs about ourselves. When you think you are worthless, you come to believe you deserve less than other people. This leads to accepting things like abuse and sub-par behavior from your partner — including dismissal and belittlement in conflict.

What happens when we allow our conflicts to carry on.

When we fail to deal with the conflicts that are plaguing our relationships, they poison the connection we share and become toxic to our overall partnership. Issues and emotions ignored manifest as resentment, broken intimacy and worse. When we don’t face up to what’s going on between our partners and ourselves, we create a much bigger issue for ourselves in the longrun.

Failing intimacy

Perhaps one of the biggest side-effects of lingering conflict in our relationships is the collapse of our intimacy. The longer a confrontation goes on (without being addressed and resolved) the more the negative feeling builds between you and your partner. You pull further and further away from one another in resentment until the idea of intimacy together — of any sort — is nothing but a dream.

Explosive resentment

Conflict can lead to a host of negative feelings, not least of which are anger and resentment. The longer you avoid rersolution, the greater these emotions build, leading to even bigger issues and detachment from the relationship as a whole. Your respect for your partner starts to slip, and you might find yourself lashing our or freeing your anger from its shackles in passive-aggressive ways like snide remarks or other vindictive behavior.

Skewed perceptions

The longer we hold on to this anger and resentment, the more it begins to shift the way we see both our partners and ourselves. You lose respect for your partner, but you also lose respect for youreslf. The longer you go without addressing your needs and sticking up for them, the more you will come to resent yourself for not getting what you want (when you had the ability and opportunity to do so).

Festering wounds

Problems in our relationships have a funny way of snowballing and becoming even bigger issues that we have even greater challenges overcoming. For example, festering anger and resentment drives partners apart. Over time, their intimacy erodes until one partner finds themselves looking for companionship outside of the relationship. Right and wrong aside, you now have a bigger in your relationship to resolve: infidelity. Which may just prove to be a bigger issue than any challenge you faced as a couple previously.

The best ways to resolve lingering conflict in your relationship.

Dealing with a conflict that just won’t rest? Stop waiting for things to settle and get proactive about fixing the things that have gone wrong. The longer we allow our deep-seated issues to fester, the worse the outcome we’re facing. Don’t allow small problems to become bigger ones. Confront your relationship conflicts and put them to bed once and for all.

1. Become a better listener

The first step in conquering lingering conflict in your relationship is to become a better listener. We all want our side to be heard, and that’s especially true when it comes to arguments with our partners. Too many of us forget the value of active listening, however, and too many of us forget that our partner also has a point of view, and an experience that is just as valid as our own.

If you’ve got a problem that you need to address with your partner, open up a dialogue but focus on listening, rather than speaking. Say what you need to say, but leave space for them to say what they need to say to. Don’t overpower them with your perspective, and don’t feel a need to take over the conversation.

Ask them questions, and don’t speak until you’re prompted to do so. Clear your mind, and let go of that compulsive need to compose a retort or response before they’ve had an opportunity to fully express themselves. There’s no room for being defensive when it comes to finding resolutions. Let go of any justifications or excuses and avoid blaming language. Be a better listener and use that skill to start letting go of the conflict that’s disrupting your relationship.

2. Let things go before they escalate

One of the greatest skills we can master in this life is the art of letting go. When we let go of things, we release them back into the world and detach our emotion and personal value from them. Rather than turning every conflict into a major ordeal, we can learn to prioritize our battles and let go of the things that don’t add value to our lives and relationships.

If your partner has upset you, or you’re dealing with a conflict that just won’t seem to end, take a step back and take a big picture look at things. Consider the full scope the issue, then consider what value it could add to your life or relationship if it was resolved in the ideal way.

Even if everything works out the way you want it to, will you feel any better? Will you relationship be in any better state? If the resolution and work you put in to getting that resolution (ie fighting it out) isn’t worth the payoff — is it really worth dragging out? There are some conflicts that we can just make the choice to walk away from, without damaging ourselves or our personal pride. Knowing the difference requires a healthy dose of honesty.

3. Control your emotions

Emotions can be a scary topic for anyone, but they’re a necessary part of the relationship landscape. Our emotions guide us, and help us delinieate between what’s right and what’s wrong for us. They are a coping mechanism, a defensive mechanism — our emotions are nuanced and complex and filled with all kinds of subtleties that we take advantage of every day. Rather than running away from our feelings, we have to learn how to embrace. Especially if we’re looking to resolve longterm issues in our relationships.

Spend some time getting to know your emotions and get familiar with why you feel the way you do. Our reactions are, more often than not, a result of our emotions. When we take a deep dive into the center of ourselves and get familiar with them, we unlock new avenues of control over self and our environments.

Journalling and mindful meditation are a great way to get started confronting your own emotions (so you can better manage conflict) start small, and spend time alone getting quiet and clear your mind. Recall 3 situations in which your emotions played a key role. Dive back into them and take an outside look at how those emotions played out in your body, and how they inspired your reactions. Consider next how you felt after those reactions, and how those emotions compared to the ideal emotional state you’d like to exist in.

4. No more blame game

It’s hard to take responsibility when we’re the ones who screwed up, but it’s one of the most important things we can do in a relationship (or, indeed, life at large). Not everything is always our fault, however, and sometimes we are genuinely the victims of other people’s decisions. Whether the conflict in your partnership is your fault or theirs, blame gets you nowhere. We either take responsibility for the roles we play or we don’t; either way the only we find peace is by looking past that and getting focused on solutions.

Let go of your need to lay the blame for the conflict at the feet of your partner. Even if their behavior has been downright rotten, detach from it and leave it behind. Focus on the future. What do you want your relationship to be? How are you going to get there? These are things that don’t get answered by looking backward in blame.

Encourage your partner to take responsibility for their actions. Let them know that it would be a comfort to you. Do not, however, force the point. You cannot make someome step up to the plate when they don’t want to. Accept you role in the relationship, step up to the plate for your own decisions, and then express your desire to move forward. Drop blame language and try to focus only on statements and ideas that can help you both make a proactive plan of momentum.

5. Picking the right battles

Life is all about picking the right battles to fight and the same goes for our relationships. Not every conflict is worth carrying on, and not every fight needs a winner. Sometimes, it’s okay to completely walk away from something — burying it in the past where it can no longer wreak havoc or impact the way we see one another. If you’re dealing with a small conflict that continues to linger, let it go. Get better at picking the right battles.

Before engaging your partner in any sort of confrontation, pull back and ask yourself a few key questions. Look at the situation as a whole. What started the conflict? What brought it on? Are you both agitated or experiencing something that has you more on edge than usual?

Consider the full scope of the situation. Consider too the full scope of the best-case scenarios and the worst case scenarios. Ii you get what you want, will it be worth it? Will your relationship be stronger? Will your partner feel valued? What about the worst case? If you open up the doors to conflict, and everything goes wrong, what will that mean for you? Pick you battles wisely by playing through them from start to finish. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Is it worth your time? Is is worth your relationship? Only you have the answer to that.

6. Mastering the art of communication

No relationship can stand the test of time without honest and open communication. When we master the art of communicating within a relationship, we give ourselves and our partners the gift of being seen and being valued. Communicating with our partners opens up new aspects of self, and allows us to connect with our partners in new and meaningful ways. It helps us overcome adversity and master the conflicts that drive us apart.

Engage them regularly in conversation — not just when you’re fighting. Listen actively, and work to cultivate (at all times) an environment that is both safe and encouraging to express yourself in. Limit any negative self-talk that drive you to shut them down or blame yourself (or them) for what’s going on. Ask them questions and let them know that you’re genuinely interested in their lives.

Don’t just reach for communication when things are going wrong. Cultivate it when things are going well so that you have it to hand when things take a wrong turn. Engage in regular small talk with your partner. Ask them about their day and how they’re feeling. Consciously open up that door with your other-half every day, and don’t just look to figure things out once the river has run sour. Create memories and experiences together, and never shut down, dismiss or otherwise belittle the ideas they share with you — no matter how small or “out there”.

7. New perspectives

One of the best ways we can help to overcome the lingering conflict in our lives is to shift our perspectives and find new ways of looking at our lives, our relationships and even the world around us. When we shift our perspectives, we allow ourselves to see things as they are, or improve the way we perceive things in general.

Don’t automatically reject or object to your partner’s complaints out of hand. Take the time to fully consider what they’re saying, and strive to put yourself in their shoes. At our core, we all just want to be seen. Boost the quality of your relationship by boosting the power of your perspective.

Commit to seeing things not as you want to, but as they really are. Don’t just hear what your partner says, really see what they’re talking about and imagine that you are experiencing those things through our own skin. This world is a big place, and it’s changing by the day. The way we see ourselves and our partners is a constantly moving, constantly changing thing. Commit to an open perspective and the world (and your relationship) will open up to you.

Putting it all together…

Relationships are hard, and they don’t get any easier when we’re dealing with conflict. Not every fight is one-and-done, especially when it comes to longterm relationships. Some confrontations and conflicts linger, revealing themselves fully across ages and stages. If you’re dealing with such a conflict in your partnership, it can be overcome — but only with some solid understanding of self, your partner, and the communication needed to work through it.

Become a better listener and listen actively to any ideas or complaints your partner puts forward. Conflict, no matter how long it has carried on in our relationships, is still a two-sided affair. Ask questions, avoid blame language and don’t form a response before they’ve even had a chance to fully express their point. Listening actively lets our partner know we’re genuinely interested in resolution. Pick your battles and detach from any conflict that’s not worth the problems it might create. Control your emotions, and never let things escalate to the point that your feelings become bigger than your desire to have peace in your partnership. Master the art of communication and strive to create clear, safe and honest channels of oppenness long before the need arises through conflict. Shift your perspective and see yourself and your partner for who you really are. Relationships aren’t easy, but they’re incredibly worthwhile when we get it right. Start getting it right by resolving the longstanding conflict that’s plaguing your partnership.