World-Changing Cosmic Truth Revealed … for a Donation

GoFundMe alters the universe

This is another in my series of articles about gobsmackingly weird online fundraisers. The first dealt with UFO-related appeals, the second covered requests with an odd religious slant, and now I have four new age metaphysical fundraisers to share.

#1 The holy grail of forbidden knowledge

Contributors to this GoFundMe will help publish an important book. How important is it? Just read what the author has to say in her biography.

“I am the scientist and researcher who discovered Time Shifts, Time Line Edits, The Core Matrix, Co-Existing Time Lines, the workings of Time Travel, the true origin of the Universe, and The Dark Matter Aberration — which is the source of all evil. I also discovered The Unified Field Theory of Psi, which is the foundation science that explains everything paranormal, psychic, and how and why we dream.”

You have to admit that’s an impressive list of accomplishments. Personally, I’d be happy with only finding the true origin of the universe. There’s a Nobel prize waiting for that one.

“I also have a good track record with my publicly documented precognition hits, through which I can … view with my psychic abilities past, current, and future events.”

By the way, the author also has…

“…documented ability to do weather modification, using my unique Reality Shift Manifestation psi protocols.”

Oh, I almost forgot:

“Millions of people have watched me on various TV shows, listened to my interviews on radio, watched my interviews on streaming net, read my magazine articles, read about me in a number of books, enjoyed the unique information on my website, followed my reports on social media…”

Okay, this is exhausting. Let’s cut to the chase — you can help crowdfund the author’s new book; The Time Shift Effect: Revealing The Holy Grail of Hidden and Forbidden Knowledge. I hope there’s a money-back guarantee if you can’t time travel after reading it.

#2 Magic stone vacation

The goal of this fundraiser is to amass 100,000 Swiss francs. The money-requesters are a team of people who call themselves “light warriors” and they need money to travel to exotic locations across the world in order to plant stones in the earth.

“Galactic Cintamani stones,” when strategically placed, will activate ley lines and heal the subquantum anomaly. That sounds reasonable and totally legitimate. If you’re wondering if they will also “bring in the energy of the goddess Iona,” yes, they will.

Here’s the best quote from the GoFundMe: “For mission security, details about this work must remain vague for the time being.”

Trust me, this work will remain vague forever. Activating ley lines has no tangible meaning in the real world. The group has so far raised 99 francs.

#3 Build a magnificent sound temple

Admit it. You’ve been wishing for a transcendental harmonic sound immersion. Make that dream come true by donating to an effort to build a temple of sound.

This temple is being built according to sacred cubit measurements used by the builders of the pyramids, so you know it’s going to be good. The makers have already finished a six-foot diameter “earthstar orgone energy vortex” that will be placed in the floor. (Reality note: orgone energy does not exist.)

Many new age project descriptions include excellent gibberish and this one really delivers:

“This earthstar coil connects to a grounding rod array which harnesses the telluric currents of the earth, creating an energy vortex which connects with the core of the planet in a prayer for harmony, balance and restoration of our divine relation to nature.”

I’m proud to say this project is in my home state of Washington, and as of today it has raised $3,213 of its $10,000 goal.

#4 Frequency healers would like an upgrade

A little farther up the coast, in Victoria, British Columbia, two people run a small business called the Star Temple. It’s an “energy healing” space. Don’t ask what kind of energy — just energy.

One of the owners calls himself a lightbody technician, among other titles. The other calls herself a frequency catalyst and sacred starseed oracle.

Their current workspace has the basics needed for their business. It is, for example, protected by an EMF bio-shield, and they are able to serve thirsty customers reverse-osmosis rose quartz charged water. But now they hope to up their game a bit and purchase “a whole array of new powerful metaphysical tools.”

One item they need is a multidimensional gong (and who doesn’t?). They’d also like to purchase some tuning forks with crystal attachments. Such tools are not cheap. They’re asking for $11,111 (probably a sacred number) but have received nothing since posting the request in August 2023.

The cost of enlightenment

Spiritual healing isn’t what it used to be. Today the practice is complicated, requiring expensive equipment and a big helping of nonsensical jargon. It all seems a little materialistic and marketing-heavy, but there’s no denying that I want to own a multidimensional gong.

I can hear that gong ringing in my mystic third ear.