Women Think We Are Being Kind

But this one thing can be our worst relationship behavior

I’m chatting with my son and he tells me his girlfriend has made an appointment for him.

“You need to do that yourself,” I say.

I’m worried she’s taking on a responsibility that should be his. My son explains he’s having trouble getting a good haircut. His girlfriend did some research and found a spot he might like.

Turns out it’s a false alarm for this mother and relationship columnist.

But it leads me to an important clarification. One I learned during marriage counseling. I did too much for my husband. I can’t blame him. I took joy in doing it.

I learned my kindness while good-intentioned wasn’t necessarily healthy.

“You are being overly responsible for another individual,” my counselor says.

I had a long history of believing I was doing the right thing.

My husband didn’t call his parents so I did. He didn’t buy his mother a present on Mother’s Day, her birthday, or Christmas so I did. He didn’t buy himself clothes so I did. He didn’t pay the bills on time so I took them over and so on and so forth.

And then I made it worse.

I took on things he probably would have done. I took his clothes to the cleaners, I made dinner every single night, and I ran to the bank, the post office, and the grocery store. I picked up the slack wherever it seemed possible.

I was dating and a newlywed when I assumed all of this.

The traditional roles we ultimately played only exaggerated it. Not to mention, quitting my job to build a business with my husband. I was overdoing it at home and in the office.

What happens when we become overly responsible for another?

We become personally irresponsible because we lack boundaries.

My unhealthy behavior played in stereo when my husband began uncharacteristically drinking. It was his responsibility to be accountable for his actions, not mine. But I took it on.

As a woman, I confused kindness and accountability.

But gender isn’t an excuse for a get-out-of-jail-free card. Man or woman, we have to be self-responsible. Not in one area of our life but comprehensively. A career doesn’t mean we have zero personal responsibilities and our families deserve our own attention.

Earlier I said I can’t blame my husband.

I stand behind this because I made my own choices.

But I will add one caveat. I should never have done so much but he should never have let me. A relationship should be a relay of love. A back and forth. He should have accepted my thoughtfulness not taken advantage of it.

Yet it was up to me to set that boundary when he crossed it.

This is fairly epidemic among women. I’m not the only one. It might be the roles we slip into, a tendency to be caregivers or simple generosity. We derive satisfaction from filling a need.

There’s a fine line between kindness and assuming an unhealthy amount of responsibility for another individual. It’s especially hard because in love there is joy in giving.

A false alarm with my son provided an opportunity to distinguish the two.

To remind him to accept kindness while being self-aware.

A necessary relationship equilibrium for both men and women.

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