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Abstract

a do-over.</p><p id="71ca">But I will never get married again.</p><p id="8d62"><b>Not because my relationship ended.</b> I’m a big girl. My heart’s been broken since I was a teenager. A late bloomer I know. Okay, there was a guy in middle school. These things happen. I think they call it life.</p><p id="f9d8">It wasn’t the breakup.</p><p id="4d36"><b>I chose to end things.</b> I even wrote about it <a href="https://colleenorme.medium.com/i-broke-up-with-my-husband-c2930fd7478d">I Broke Up With My Husband.</a> I was the heartbreaker. Take that zinger…ex of mine.</p><p id="df43"><i>He retaliated.</i></p><p id="03cf"><b>He doesn’t take rejection well.</b> One might think he grew up in the generation of gratuitous trophies. Everyone’s a winner. He didn’t. He’s just fragile. Or vindictive. Or insecure. Or controlling. Or manipulative.</p><p id="7f6d">Or well, take your pick.</p><p id="400f"><b>It’s not what happened during our marriage. </b>We have four walls to keep our secrets for a reason. We are imperfect beings. As horrible as those days were they are easy to forget.</p><p id="3b65"><i>Love is forgiving that way.</i></p><p id="1645">It’s who he became in divorce.</p><p id="c4ea"><b>Divorce invites strangers into our lives.</b> I never want to meet that person again. I don’t want to witness the familiar become unrecognizable. I don’t want to have the P taken out of Pollyanna again.</p><p id="80ba">I don’t want to lose my innocence a second time.</p><p id="7cbe"><b>I wanna a girl’s night.</b> I once wrote <a href="https://colleenorme.medium.com/i-wanna-drink-wine-with-kelly-clarkson-5090f674cdcb">I Wanna Drink Wine With Kelly Clarkson.</a> I wanna drink wine with Kaley too. I only hope Zosia shows up. Henry would be a bonus. I wanna laugh and cry.</p><p id="e297">I don’t wanna think about love.</p><p id="de81"><i>Until maybe one day…</i></p><p id="c3c7">I forget the man who made me promise I’d never get married again.</p><p id="3b36"><i>If you would like to read more of my stories and support me as a writer, consider signing up to <a href="https://colleenorme.medium.com/membership">become a Medium member.</a> For just $5 a month you will get unlimited access to Medium.</i></p><div id="bf74" class="link-block"> <a href="https://colleenorme.medium.com/how-divorce-changes-a-woman-dbc239150eba"> <div> <div> <h2>How Divorce Changes a Woman</h2> <div><h3>I lost not only a person but years of my life</h3></div> <div><p>colleenorme.medium.com</p></div> </div>

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I Will Never Get Married Again

I agree with Kaley Cuoco and Kelly Clarkson

I’m watching The Kelly Clarkson Show. She and Kaley Cuoco confess they will never marry again. I’m distracted by Henry Winkler. Who wouldn’t be?! And Kaley’s endearingly hysterical co-star Zosia Mamet. They dedicate me to a weekend binging their HBO Max series The Flight Attendant.

I wanna yell at the television.

“I’ll never marry again either!”

“I get you girls,” Or like Kelly says, “I got you, girl!”

And I don’t stop there. I tell my boys I’ll throw my body across the altar if they get married. Half kidding. Half not. Half humor. Half totally serious. Half divorced woman. Half concerned mommy. Maybe half paranoid mommy.

The day my boys shared their dad was remarrying we were at a restaurant.

Their concerned looks startled me. Followed by the words, “We’ve got something to tell you.” And a long pause. Be still my heart. Way to freak a momma out.

I’m not gonna lie.

I was ridiculously happy it was simply their dad repeating, “I do.”

My youngest son seemed dismayed.

“Aren’t you upset?” he asks.

“No,” I say.

“But you were married forever,” he says.

The conversation morphs. My son expresses his absolute confusion. Why, why would his father remarry after everything we’ve been through. To clarify he speaking of everything his father put us through. I get it. I’m thinking the same thing.

Why would you torture someone with an abusive five-year divorce?

Fight every step of the way for what you wanted, no compromise.

And choose to do it again? Of course, I know the answer. My husband made our divorce a war. Traumatic for my children and me. But not for my husband. He was pulling the strings. We were the puppets.

He was in control.

Marriage isn’t a negative to him.

My tear-soaked pillows and bank account prove the opposite. Regardless, do I want to love again? Yes, I want to love again. I want a best friend. A relationship like no other. I want a romantic forever. I want a do-over.

But I will never get married again.

Not because my relationship ended. I’m a big girl. My heart’s been broken since I was a teenager. A late bloomer I know. Okay, there was a guy in middle school. These things happen. I think they call it life.

It wasn’t the breakup.

I chose to end things. I even wrote about it I Broke Up With My Husband. I was the heartbreaker. Take that zinger…ex of mine.

He retaliated.

He doesn’t take rejection well. One might think he grew up in the generation of gratuitous trophies. Everyone’s a winner. He didn’t. He’s just fragile. Or vindictive. Or insecure. Or controlling. Or manipulative.

Or well, take your pick.

It’s not what happened during our marriage. We have four walls to keep our secrets for a reason. We are imperfect beings. As horrible as those days were they are easy to forget.

Love is forgiving that way.

It’s who he became in divorce.

Divorce invites strangers into our lives. I never want to meet that person again. I don’t want to witness the familiar become unrecognizable. I don’t want to have the P taken out of Pollyanna again.

I don’t want to lose my innocence a second time.

I wanna a girl’s night. I once wrote I Wanna Drink Wine With Kelly Clarkson. I wanna drink wine with Kaley too. I only hope Zosia shows up. Henry would be a bonus. I wanna laugh and cry.

I don’t wanna think about love.

Until maybe one day…

I forget the man who made me promise I’d never get married again.

If you would like to read more of my stories and support me as a writer, consider signing up to become a Medium member. For just $5 a month you will get unlimited access to Medium.