Women Should Stop Trying to Dictate What It Means To Be a Man

We are not helping them

Many men are going through some trying times, and most women understand this because both traditional genders face the same issue: everything we thought we knew about what it means to be a man or a woman is being rewritten at high speed. And rightfully so. It seems we finally understand our focus should be on how to be a human being.

Still, given all of the generational interlaying, spiced up with a huge diversity in religious and political beliefs, the conversations we should be having are getting sidetracked.

Not only that but, in a way, it appears women — with exceptions, of course — have no problem talking to each other about these issues. After all, many of us have had to fight against sexism in one or more of its different presentations. And men? Well, they are having problems creating the necessary tools and communities to develop their personal growth better. In some corners of the web, we can see men trying to find a new way to do things, but they are basically islands.

This is where some of us have tried to intervene to be of help. We want to let men know what we expect of them; surely, there won’t be any confusion then. But, unfortunately, sometimes we take things too far and tell them who we think they should be.

We cross the line between expressing our standards and step into the land of “this is what you should do.” Clearly, this is not working.

Also, even though men are facing the death of everything they were told was true about masculinity, I can’t shake the feeling we are getting in the way of conversations that should happen between them. However, there doesn’t seem to be space for this dialogue to happen.

But we raise boys, don't we?

It is true some of us are mothers and, in this day and age, it is still likely we’ll be in charge of most of the learnings our children will receive. And, if we happen to have boys, then some would argue we are telling them how to be men.

Except we aren’t.

As the great poet once said:

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself… You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow…” — Kahlil Gibran

There’s no doubt we are providing our sons with examples of what we deem to be a decent life. In our everyday interactions, we are modeling what is ethical and how to treat our fellow humans. Hopefully, we are also teaching them how to be responsible for themselves and are giving them the necessary tools to become independent adults.

In other words, we are helping them learn how to be grown-ups. Still, the greatest gift we can give them is the chance to forge their path. It is up to them to figure out what masculinity means, even if it is under our loving, respectful guidance. It is a path we cannot walk for them, no matter how hard we try.

We can try to give them speeches on what a man should do to be respectful. But those are only words. The real learnings will come from what we show them, for they are always watching: they pay close attention to the way men and women interact, especially when it comes to their parents, even if they are not together.

The only thing we can do is pour on them unconditional love, the best examples we can leave, and give them enough room to make their choices. That’s what they’ll do anyway. By the way, daughters do the same, remember?

So what, we say nothing?

Oh, we certainly must say something. We ought to write about our pain and disappointment due to the actions of some men who have harmed us. We are to write about our hopes and needs.

And yes, we must express our righteous anger at past and present abuses and point out what is of value to us. In short, it is imperative we write about all of our relationships with men, the good and the bad, the glorious and the ugly. True, some guys have made it a habit of accusing us of playing “the victim.” However, the men interested in their own growth do not just see the value in supporting us but also in amplifying our voices.

On the other hand, even though we keep saying we want men to express their vulnerability, there’s just one problem…

We might not be fully aware of it, but we also received the very same conditioning that says men should always be in control, be useful providers and never show any weaknesses. As a result, some women intellectually express their desire for a more sensitive partner but, when a man trusts them enough to open up, they have no idea what to do about it.

How could they, when such an event has not been normalized, and it’s still treated as an anomaly?

Do we really believe men can be human, or are we repeating it just because it is the woke thing to say? The proof will be in our actions, not our words. And it begins by giving men the space to own the what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man conversation.

Yes, we have a special interest in it, but we don't get to tell them who they are. In the end, men are figuring out their place. We must establish our expectations, limits, and boundaries and, should a man disrespect us, stay away from him. But when it comes to the men trying to untangle their minds from all the toxic messages they grew up with, why not maintain our assertiveness while surrounding it with understanding?

If you want a clue as to how difficult this is for men, look no further than your own life. We, women, are facing a reckoning of our own. I don’t know about you, but I sure got a hefty dose of nasty scripts about what it means to be a woman.

Not only that, but we are still arguing about whether or not it is right for a woman to choose not to have children or if she can express her assertiveness at the workplace without coming across as bossy. It takes serious self-control to not fall into old patterns. Maybe some men are going through the same?

Have you ever received some side-eye from a nosy relative or a so-called friend because you didn’t behave in a lady-like manner? Guess what? Men get that too when they don’t behave “like a man.” It seems like society is not ready for authentic men and women. It is our job to persist in this endeavor…together.

Building Safe Spaces and Communities

Men need each other to lift one another, that bit is clear, but they are having trouble finding safe spaces and people to discuss these issues.

I know, I know…men needing help to get themselves heard? Come on!

And yet, it is true: this message of support and connection needs to be nurtured, for it remains quite revolutionary for men to share their true feelings, especially amongst their peers. There are very few sanctioned spaces where they get to do so — hello, typical support-group scene in any Hollywood movie? — and, by trying to own and sanction the conversation, we are not helping much.

I believe that, when men trust us enough to open up, or when they are courageous enough to grab a camera or a keyboard to express themselves or, even better, talk to us face to face, we have to do what we ask so much of them: to listen, to be empathetic, to try to understand…and not to try to manage their growth process.

After all, don’t we prefer relatives, coworkers, friends, and partners who are loving and mature? People who have done the work? Who are willing to learn along with us what it means to be human?

In the end, we are all trying to figure out how to make better use of our time on this planet, as long or short as it gets to be. I, for one, welcome any human being who, like me, is in the process of learning how to be strong without losing sight of compassion and to build healthy walls without stepping onto someone else’s boundaries. It isn’t simple, but it could get easier if we got each others’ backs.