Women Should Feel Great About Initiating Sex

I make it clear when I need to be fucked

My libido has taken a nose-dive. These past four weeks, I’ve had no sexual desire to speak of.

I know I’m in good company. We’ve all been dealing with stress, loss, grief, depression, anxiety, social isolation, and “challenging times” for about nine months now. And even though I still enjoy reading, writing, and talking about sex, I haven’t been up to actually having any.

Until this morning.

I often sleep in on the weekend while H tends to wake up around 5 or 6 in the morning and take a nap later if he’s tired. When he came into the bedroom mid-morning to lie down just as I was waking up, I felt that familiar urge that has been missing lately.

I’d just woken up from a sexual dream, one in which I actually felt myself having an orgasm in my sleep (something that has happened to me from time to time since I was a teen). It was a pretty light orgasm, just barely there, and it only left me wanting more.

So I made it known to H that I wanted more.

I cuddled with him, feeling drawn to him like a sexual magnet. I wanted to touch his skin, and I wanted to feel his body on mine.

I was ready to fuck and be fucked, and I had no qualms about communicating that to him directly.

It’s hot when women light the fire

As self-conscious as I am about my body since I’ve gained weight, I still don’t have trouble with initiating sex when I’m in the mood. That’s one thing I’ve never really struggled with. When I want it, I go for it. And I’m also pretty understanding when the timing is wrong and he’s not feeling up to it (which, admittedly, is a rare response).

I wanted sex this morning. And even though we haven’t done it in over a month and it wasn’t on H’s radar, I felt no qualms about making it obvious that I wanted his cock.

I started by unzipping his hoodie and massaging his back under his t-shirt. He did the same to my back in response.

Then, I unbuckled his belt, unzipped his jeans, and massaged his cock over his underwear while kissing him. Before long, I slipped my fingers beneath the waistband of his underwear and circled them around his growing erection, moving them gently up and down.

His hands found their way down my back, slipping under my panties and rubbing my bare ass. That’s when I leaned over his waist and slid his cock between my lips.

“I masturbated earlier this morning,” he said. Then he groaned as I sucked him hard, to the tip, before letting him fall from my mouth.

I came back up to the pillows and leaned my chin on my hand, propped up on my elbow. “You should have saved it for me.” We both chuckled about it. Of course, he hadn’t expected me to want sex with him out of the blue. “Make me come?”

He hovered over me and kissed me, massaging my breasts under my t-shirt as he did so. He gently pinched my nipples between his fingertips, then lifted my shirt up so that he could lick them.

He lavished my clit with attention from his fingers as he kissed and licked my nipples, and I came pretty quickly. “Fuck me now,” I said, breathing hard. I love feeling him inside me just after I’ve climaxed.

He kindly obliged, getting on top of me and sliding himself slowly inside me. His cock felt so fucking good, and I told him so, in those exact words.

He came inside me a few minutes later. This surprised us both, as it usually takes a lot of work for him to come again if he’s recently ejaculated.

“You had me so fucking turned on,” he said. “I couldn’t help it.” After a few minutes, we went back to sleep, feeling lazy, relaxed, and satiated. Our dry spell broken.

I wanted sex. I initiated sex. And I felt damn hot doing so. He was super turned on because I took action — and the way he reacted turned me on, too.

This is what I want other women to feel if they are ever self-conscious about initiating sex. Feel good about it, because you’re hot shit for being bold and up-front about your sexual desires. If you’re rejected, for whatever reason, you’re still hot shit because you were honest and open about what you wanted. And that’s sexy as hell.

Men love to be desired, too

When it comes to heterosexual, monogamous relationships, studies show that men initiate sex more often.

In more than 60% of the couples, men initiated more often than women; in 30% of couples, initiation was equally divided between partners; and in those remaining, the women initiated more frequently.

— Susan Sprecher, PhD, the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

Many women, even those who have been married to or living with the same partner for years, aren’t fully comfortable with initiating sex. The dialogue we’ve grown up with is that we’re the ones responsible for keeping guard of a treasure. Society puts pressure on men to be the treasure hunters — the dominant initiators of sexual activity — and we as women are taught to react rather than to act on what we want.

Attempting to initiate sex can leave us feeling exposed and vulnerable. We’re afraid of being seen as overly sexual or “slutty,” since many of us are taught that it’s wrong, or not “lady-like,” or even needy and less powerful to be the one asking for sex.

It’s normalized that men initiate more often, and are rejected more often. While a woman can say she’s too tired for sex that night without her man fearing that the relationship is nearing its end, if a man tells us he’s too tired, we’re more likely to immediately start assuming the worst.

Basically, many women might feel like we have more to lose by putting ourselves out there sexually. But it doesn’t have to feel that way. We make it that way, and the typical gender norms that have been set in place make us feel that way.

Men love to be desired, just like we do. And we should be understanding if they aren’t in the mood, just like we want them to be understanding if we aren’t.

Flipping the script and encouraging honest communication and understanding on both sides is liberating, to say the least.

The sexy takeaway

Not all women feel they can be direct with men about their sexual needs and desires. But a woman shouldn’t feel ashamed or worried about making a move.

There is no reason she should feel self-conscious. And if she fears rejection, I recommend that she go for it anyway, and just try not to take it too personally if he’s not feeling up to it. Even though men are supposed to want it all the time, they are human. They work hard. They get tired. They feel stress and low libido and hormonal dips — just like we do.

I encourage my fellow women to try initiating sex clearly whenever they want to — with plain language and direct actions.

Don’t feel like you have to be demure and drop subtle hints because society expects you to act cute about it. Women can be direct about our sexual needs and still be respected, just like men can.

And, even if your man isn’t feeling up to it for whatever reason, he’ll greatly appreciate it that you find him just as desirable as he finds you. We all enjoy being wanted. We like getting an invitation, even if we don’t go to the party.

And, more often than not, he’ll take you up on that invitation.

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This story is part of Sexual Espresso, a weekly column published here on Sexual Tendencies.