How to Make Love to a Writer

Give it your all, because we’re quietly taking notes…

All writers make observations.

It’s one of the most important foundations of the job. We pay attention, observe, and reflect on how our observations make us feel. Then we write it down, cut out the crap, and release our newborn word-baby into the world.

The best writers pay really close attention to their experiences. And we love to use the knowledge we gain from human interactions as inspiration for our creative endeavors.

Whether we write fiction or non-fiction, when we share stories, our lived experiences influence not only what we write, but how we angle it.

And if we write about sex…well, just look out!

As a writer, any interaction I experience becomes a piece of who I am. It becomes a part of my mind, my emotions, my memories. It shapes, in whatever big or small way, who I am. And therefore, it becomes my intellectual property.

Sex with me (or most any writer) automatically makes you a potential subject of my creations. Hell, you might even be the star of the show. It’s probably something I should disclose to any potential sex partner in my life. And so far, it has been. (Maybe I should get a tattoo?) But don’t worry, I’m a professional. I’ll protect your identity to the public.

But you’ll know it’s you.

So, when it comes to making love to a writer, always proceed with caution and be the best damn lover you can be. Because if you do happen to inspire her, you’re going to want it to be for all the right reasons.

In order to help those who might fall prey to a writer’s passions in the sack, here are a few other key things to keep in mind.

We have great expectations

Yup, we’ve got some lofty expectations — and lots of them! Part of being a writer is having a powerful imagination, and you can bet we’ve been building up this moment in our head for a while now, imagining all sorts of ways it could go.

You know that expression, “it was nothing to write home about?” That’s exactly what we don’t want to say when it comes to describing sex with you. Make it memorable. Blow our minds. Be an absolute volcano in the bedroom so that we desperately want to write home about it.

When you have sex with a writer, just think about the story they may very well tell. And always keep one question in mind: How would you like to be depicted?

Will we paint you as the boring, clumsy mate who rushed through some half-assed foreplay and left us with an anti-climactic finish? Or will you be the very generous, giving, and satisfactory lover who worked to make us forget our own mortality for those few precious moments of mind-altering passion?

Choice is yours, buddy.

It’s all in the details

Good writers pay attention to detail and engage the senses when painting a picture with words. This means we’re going to be taking mental notes of how you look, how you smell (in all areas that come close to our face), what you taste like, what you feel like, and even what you sound like.

Have you made an effort to dress to impress? Are you clean and well-groomed? What does your tongue do when we kiss? What does your entire body do when we connect? How do you react?

Do what we do in our work and engage our senses during sex. Use some high- quality soap or cologne, and maybe some scented candles. Think about music to set the mood. Be mindful of using your fingers, tongue, or other body parts to engage our nerve-endings in delicious ways.

Find out our preferred genre

When it’s time to do the deed, do we want it to feel like something out of The Notebook or Fifty Shades of Grey? Are we looking for some sweet and sensual lovemaking, hooking up casually as a fuck-buddy comedy duo, or seeking unexpected thrills at every kinky turn?

While we writers do enjoy spontaneity and shudder at the thought of routine sex, it helps to at least read the room and have a conversation to gauge what mood we’re in. And mix it up from time to time. Most of us enjoy more than one genre.

Give good dialogue

We don’t expect the romantic genius of a Shakespeare during our sexy time together (you might not be a writer, after all), but you’ve got to give us something to acknowledge how we’re absolutely rocking your world.

Something as simple as “You feel so good” or “You’re so hot right now” while we’re thrusting can go far in making your enthusiasm known.

Or, if talking’s not your thing, then vocalize your pleasure non-verbally. Grunting, moaning, and other approving noises of passion take the communication of pleasure up a notch — and you know we writers love good communication!

Did you know: you can have more than one climax?!

We’ve all seen that plot diagram in class. You know, the triangle with the rising action, the big climax, followed by a “coming down” phase and then the resolution?

Well, just understand that there can be climax after climax (after climax) if you want. Some stories are epic, with plenty of twists and turns keeping you on the edge of your seat. Think of Fight Club and the tension we feel when we’re waiting to see whether or not Tyler’s going to blow up an entire financial city block. But that’s not the only climax we get to witness. There’s an even bigger, more impactful twist that blows our minds at the end of that story.

If sex is like a novel, I want an exciting one with multiple phases of tension, climax, and release.

Editing is essential

Editing is the way a writer improves. Yes, it starts with self-editing. Take a good hard look at your sexual skills and your ability to give (and not just take) pleasure, and consider how you might improve things.

But good editing is also about seeking feedback and considering constructive criticism. Especially if we’re going to be doing a repeat performance. Pay attention to what goes over well and what doesn’t. Ask your lover directly for any feedback, good or bad.

And apply your edits to the next session.

Sex, like writing, is a highly subjective craft. Our opinions and feelings can affect whether we think sex with another person is good or bad. And personal taste is a huge factor when it comes to the plethora of different sexual types and styles.

Like any good writer, you should do your research beforehand. Find out what your partner likes. Watch educational videos or read up on how to be a better lover. But, I suggest you be careful about watching porn to try to improve — porn is intended more for entertainment rather than a teaching tool.

But also, act from the heart. Maybe you don’t know your partner’s particulars, but being genuine and communicating during sex will help enhance the experience for both of you.

Thank you for reading! Sign up for my newsletter, and I’ll send updates from time to time on my latest creations. You can also follow me on Twitter.