Women, Get a Grip

The unembellished truth about your non-makeup-wearing bullshit

We are our own worst enemy. I’m talking about women, of which I am one. Recently, I’ve seen a rash of stories online from women who have apparently, experienced some sort of cosmetic epiphany, since the pandemic. Or, non-cosmetic, I should say.

Women who have chosen to eschew such girly stuff as lipstick, mascara, and concealer to naked-face the world and reveal their true essence.

Or some such bullshit.

Without fail, these stories share the same, cringy, self-aggrandizing, twaddle, such as “I crushed my highlighter under my Birkenstock and the Heavens opened!”

Jesus. Really? Or this one, my favorite. “I stopped wearing makeup for a month and I’ve never felt more beautiful!”

Urp. (That was me throwing up in my mouth.)

Why the hell should the rest of us care? I suppose we have Alicia Keys to blame for kicking off this “movement.”

Here’s a movement for you, Alicia.

Sure, she looks great. Keys is a gorgeous woman with a team of skincare specialists and makeup artists who know how to “blur her out.” Do you get what I’m saying? The rest of us don’t have that kind of support at our beck and call, and there’s no shame in admitting that we need a little help.

Considering all the buzz around “body positivity” and loving ourselves, crepy skin, stretch marks, oozing pustules and all, why do we have to make women who choose to go the smoke and mirrors route feel bad about themselves?

And that’s how these stories are written. With a judgemental undertone.

“Look at me. I’m back in the office without a stitch of makeup on. I have balls and you don’t. Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.”

Without fail, most of the writers admitted that their co-workers initially thought they looked “tired.”

“Actually, ladies, from the pics you posted, you look like you just fell out of bed and rolled into work. Did you even shower? Or is that off the agenda, too?”

That will be the next life hack. Sporadic showering. Shit. If that happens, I’ll be more than happy to mask up to avoid any random BO.

I’ve unashamedly shared my love for beauty products. I have a stash that most women couldn’t use in a lifetime, but they make me feel good. Some of my stuff…most of it actually…hasn’t even made it out of the packaging. That’s good news for my sister and my niece because they get what I toss when I do my annual clean-out.

Conversely, that said, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve adhered to the “less is more” philosophy of making up. I have good skin so I rarely need foundation, but without a little concealer under the peepers, I look like I partied the night away. And you all know I would never do that! Factor in a few swipes of mascara, a pinch of blush and/or highlighter, a red lip and I’m good to go.

Hear me out. I’m not knocking women who prefer to face the world without any cosmetic enhancement. Good for them. Undoubtedly, not having to spackle one’s face in the morning translates to extra time for such pursuits as tweeting about not wearing makeup and hunting down the missing partner who dumped them because they no longer pretend to give a damn…and look like ass.

I’m kidding. Sort of. I don’t know…maybe.

Ladies, who here played dress-up as a kid? Forget about childhood trauma and the like as we’ve all been there. I’m attempting to dredge up a positive memory here. So please, no talk about how you hated your mother and your father fucked around with the platinum-haired neighbor.

None of that, for now.

I did play dress-up with my mom’s finery. I loved rifling through her jewelry box, trying on her “dressy” clothes, and futzing with her makeup. I’d get all done up and then strut around like the budding tart I was.

Too, I adored watching her get dressed for a night out. Especially the makeup part. That’s how most of us learned, no? She was really good at it, too. Mom never looked overdone. She always applied just enough, so that her natural beauty shone through. And she was a beauty.

I suppose the message I’m trying to get across is, why the hell can’t we simply live and let live?

You don’t want to wear makeup? Cool. Go for it. You want to spend an hour “fixing your face” every day? Awesome! You want to live on Krispy Kremes and Pepsi? Enjoy, my friend. You’re a vegan who never misses a gym session? Or, are committed to “doing Keto” until you drop? Fuck. You rule.

But, for the love of all that’s unholy, stop preaching about it, okay? Because, here’s the thing.

Everything doesn’t have to be a thing.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her short films have screened at The Pan African Film Festival in Cannes (awarded “best short”), the Nashville Film Festival, the Honolulu Film Festival, the Los Angeles Film School, New Filmmakers New York, and New Filmmakers Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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