UNSOLVED MYSTERIES

Woman Faints After Husband Listens the First Time

She now suspects an alien is wearing his skin

Rose Parker had been married twenty-six years when the unthinkable happened.

“I asked George to empty out the dishwasher before I went to bed. The ballgame was on — there’s always a ballgame, somehow — so I figured he didn’t hear me and I’d have to do it myself in the morning.

“I had the shock of my life when I got up.”

The dishwasher was completely empty.

“Thought we’d been robbed by a cutlery thief. Or maybe the dishes had come to life like in that movie Beauty and the Beast and had danced out the door.”

But everything had been put away: dishes stacked in the cupboards, silverware in neat rows in the drawers, glasses lined up on the shelves. The counter had even been wiped down and the dish towel left hanging neatly.

“When I finally came to, I straightened the chairs and poured myself a glass of wine. Then I sat there in the kitchen, trying to figure out what the hell happened.”

There were two primary culprits, as Rose saw it.

“Either he’s cheating and this is an act of guilt, or he’s been probed by one of them aliens and now it’s wearing him like a suit. My George is too lazy to chase after anybody, so I figure this is the work of extraterrestrials. What other logical explanation is there?”

The dishes were just the beginning. Mr. Parker made her breakfast before leaving for work that day, and did the dishes after dinner. Since then, he’s cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed the living room, and walked the neighbor’s dog. He’s even been an attentive listener, rubbing Mrs. Parker’s feet while she tells him about her day.

The couple has entered something of a second honeymoon.

“Its appetite is voracious,” Mrs. Parker said while fanning herself with a newspaper. “It’s like we’re 21 again, other than my osteoporosis and his psoriasis. We have a carpenter coming next week to move the kid’s old swing set into the bedroom.”

She’s been calling experts and luminaries in the field of UFOs and extraterrestrial life, and has a trip to Roswell planned for next month. “I don’t know what to feed it. Do they like fruitcake? Mashed potatoes? It eats whatever I put in front of it, but I want to make it comfortable.”

As for her old husband, Mrs. Parker expressed little sympathy. “I didn’t realize how unhappy I’d become until I was shown the alternative. Wherever George is, they can keep him. I got the better end of the bargain.”

Eric writes about pop culture here at Medium and is on step three of Listeners Anonymous. If you’d like to see what other madness he’s working on, check out his newsletter.

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