IN PURSUIT OF THE GOOD LIFE
Alpha Wolf Falls for ‘Nigerian Prince’ Scam
Blinded by a lifetime supply of pork chops
A group of scientists have spent the past two years living with a pack of Arctic wolves in Queen Elizabeth Islands. Their goal: uplift the wolves’ consciousness to something approaching human levels. After months of frustration, the researchers had a surprising breakthrough.
“It started as a joke,” head researcher Pat Smallpants said. “We’d hit a brick wall in our trials, so we thought we’d drop some videos on TikTok of the wolves struggling to use the computer. They’d be helpless and confused, like old people – where’s the cursor? What’s a URL? But they took to the technology quickly.”
In a few days, the wolves learned how to use Google.
“It was pretty innocuous stuff, at first: the best way to hunt rabbits, grooming habits of celebrity wolves, how to pick the best den for your pack. Then they discovered YouTube.”
They watched Omaha Steaks unboxing videos and conspiracy theories about how gray wolves descended from dogs and fail videos where humans injured themselves in stupid ways. This went on for two weeks.
“Then they discovered porn.”
A mating frenzy overtook the pack, with a frequency and vigor that was as startling as it was frightening. “Tom was sleeping amid the pack when the frenzy happened. Poor bastard never had a chance.”
Cloistered safely in their research trailer, the other scientists debated the matter while overeager wolves battered the door.
“We were torn over whether to remove the computer at that point or to let the social experiment play out. The side in favor of continuing won the argument when it was noticed the wolves were mating human style. Which is to say, missionary.”
After the frenzy died down, the scientists ventured out to discover Wolfie Wolverton, the pack leader, alone at the computer. He’d somehow found a cigarette. “He was reading about the under-representation of wolves in animation, as I recall.”
A few days later, Wolfie sent his first email. It was addressed to Pat and contained two words: more meats.
“We noticed a distinct difference in Wolfie’s attitude from then on. While the other members of the pack would run off to hunt or play, he remained at the computer. He’d taken an interest in personal development and had somehow ordered a copy of The Four Hour Work Week. In hindsight, it’s easy to trace a trail to what happened next.”
Unbeknownst to researchers, Wolfie had started replying to all his email, including spam. He struck up a long email chain with the supposed emissary for a recently deceased Nigerian prince.
We have included the exchange below.
Dear Mr. Wolverton,
I write to you with the utmost urgency and pray for your kind response. My dear master, prince Sani of Nigeria, perished along with the entirety of his royal house in a freak Jet Ski accident. My master has no living next of kin.
I am writing to you as our court records show you are the distant relative of my master’s favorite hunting dog Roger, who sadly perished in the same accident. As such, the entirety of the palace treasury now passes to you.
I understand this is a shocking message to receive. You need only make a payment of $20,000 US to the account below to cover shipping costs of such enormous piles of gold.
Faithfully yours,
Ibrahim
Hello
I have no money
Gold is cold i don’t like it
Dear Mr. Wolverton,
It gladdens my heart to receive your message. I’m sorry to hear about your financial situation. Perhaps we can come upon another solution. Can you perhaps borrow the funds from someone else?
As for the treasure – it need not be paid out in gold. Name the form you wish and I shall arrange it.
In good faith,
Ibrahim
Money I can get from humans who think they are wolf
I would really like pork chops
I wish to live the good life and never hunt again
My Dear Friend,
It will be as you say! Just send the money and I will send boatloads of pork right to your door.
In kind anticipation,
Ibrahim
Money sent
Where pork
I’m hungry
The good life is lie
The scientists initially denied providing Wolfie the funds, but caved when we showed them the email chain. “He barged into the trailer one day, growling and snarling. After some tense minutes we realized what he was after.” Pat shrugged. “Our grant was for a million dollars. It was a small price to pay, in the scheme of things.”
For weeks after, Wolfie sat on a cliff overlooking the sea, waiting for his boat to come in.
Word spread among the pack. The other wolves started snickering behind Wolfie’s back. But prolonged exposure to the internet had worn down the wolves sense of tact. “They began openly mocking Wolfie.”
The harassment was still ongoing when The Daily News arrived for this story. The above photograph was taken shortly after we arrived.
The research will continue, though it has taken on a new slant. “We’re going to get them social media accounts and see how that affects their self-esteem.”
Eric writes about pop culture here at Medium and also likes to imagine animals doing wild and zany things. If you’d like to see what other madness he’s working on, check out his newsletter.
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