JUNK FOOD DIARIES
Zombie Eats Proud Boy, Gets Food Poisoning
“The most rancid thing I’ve eaten since dumpster diving behind Chili’s.”
A zombie was admitted to the ER Friday with an acute case of food poisoning. The attending provider, Dr. Rita Carlson, addressed reporters in the afternoon.
“You’ve seen The Exorcist? It was sorta like that – projectile vomiting, the whole nine yards. His head might’ve even spun around at one point. It’s hard to say. There were a lot of moving parts.”
The patient, a middle-aged undead man named Ralph, had never previously been ill.
“He hasn’t been sick a day since he was bit,” Ralph’s mother, 80-year-old Gloria Stadford said. “Covid, flu, gonorrhea – it all just rolled off his back.”
Hospital staff pieced together Ralph’s last meal, laying appendages and shredded bits of clothing on a gurney. It didn’t take long to make a diagnosis.
“From the greasy remains and Walmart branded camouflage, we had a strong hypothesis who the victim might be,” Dr. Carlson said. “The Proud Boys nipple clamps confirmed our suspicions.”
Footage of the attack was uploaded to YouTube Friday evening by user HanginWithMyGnomies. Shot by a giggling teenager, the video shows a shirtless Ralph sunbathing on a beach and gnawing absently on a bloody bone. Thirty-nine seconds later, an ATV rumbles into the frame, spinning around and throwing sand onto vacationers.
Ralph abruptly stands and throws the bone at the driver, knocking him off the ATV. As the driver tries to stand, Ralph falls upon him. The man’s screams are quickly drowned out by applause from the bystanders.
The Daily Times was unable to reach the far-right organization for comment. A statement on their GeoCities page said they “mourned the loss of brother Bobby Joe”, and “would celebrate his memory with a special spaghetti dinner” in the funeral home’s parking lot. Paper plates would be provided but guests were advised to bring their own spaghetti.
Although zombies aren’t known for being overly discerning in their diet, this is the first known instance of a zombie contracting food poisoning. Despite the lack of precedence, Dr. Carlson wasn’t surprised by the outcome. “Garbage in, garbage out.”
“My Ralph always had a thing for junk food,” Mrs. Stadford said. “Greasier the better.”
Ralph is slowly being nursed back to health on a diet of bone broth and raw burger. He’s said to be in good spirits and is expected to make a full recovery. “He tried to bite one of the nurses this afternoon,” his mother said.
There was a silver lining to all the drama – the mayor announced she is going to award Ralph the key to the city for cleaning up trash.
Eric writes about pop culture here at Medium and also likes to think about the ramification of an unhealthy diet. If you’d like to see what other madness he’s working on, check out his newsletter.
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