Will I Be Happier than I Am Now If I Get Married?
Sometimes curiosity holds the answers.
After my conversation with Jenny, my heart drifted away from my body. I’m having a hard time trying to figure out the cause of my frequent mood swings. So I called my friends Jenny to get a word of advice from her.
“What you need is a man who will take your pain away. You shouldn’t be alone. You deserve more and marriage will give you all that you deserve,” Jenny said.
Jenny is the wife of a minister. But before she got married, we were partners in crime.
Wherever there was trouble at the bakery where we worked, Jenny and I were at the forefront of it. If a customer tried to be rude to one of us, they have to deal with the other too because we had each other’s back.
We shared the same aspirations. We shared clothes, friends, and everything that is shareable, including men. We enjoyed the thrill of cross-dating men from all works of life and breaking their hearts.
We were wild. We were insane. Yet we held our dreams up our sleeves.
She doesn’t allow me to write about her. But for this story, she gave me her permission. Her name changed of course.
Jenny knows what I’m going through. I like being around her.
She’s the only friend from my past that gets me, good and bad.
Also, she doesn’t pester me with sermons. Good Lord!
As a minister’s wife, you do think she carries religion on her shoulders, but no. The church girl thing isn’t for her. Jenny is still Jenny from the past, except she’s more responsible now. And in love.
Yes, she’s deeply in love with her husband and loyal to the core. She has been married for three years and a half. Not once have I seen my friend shade her marriage.
She’s happy with her life and she has not changed a thing about our friendship.
I always take her advice because she’s the other me. We are alike in many ways. If Jenny likes something, I’m 100% sure I will too.
You can imagine how I felt when she advised that I should get married so I can be happy.
At first, I was confused.
I pondered over it for a while, then I told her she was wrong to think happiness should be attached to someone. I know this and she does too. We both know happiness can’t be bought either.
But why did she suddenly change her perception of life and happiness?
What does she know that I don’t?
I’m wondering, is she right?
If Jenny thinks marriage is what I need to get me out of depression, I can’t shake that off.
I needed to know why.
She used to be me; a single mom, a dream chaser, a wild adventurer, a mama bear, and a selfish bitch.
That last one we bestowed on each other.
Jenny and I have been through similar life experiences. We’ve been through hell and back. If marriage has changed her life as she said, then I wanted to know how?
As we were chatting, Jenny looked around my bedroom, then to my face and she said, “I got married because I wanted to escape the loneliness.”
That hits.
I thought she married for love. I knew she didn’t marry for money. But for loneliness? That came with a blow.
The more I thought about my conversation with Jenny, I realized two things.
One, I don’t want to marry because of something the other person can fulfill. Two, marriage won’t make me happier. I know Jenny and I are the same and agree on a lot of things. But, this one piece of advice will not benefit me in any way.
Granted, I may feel good in the first year, however, I will be miserable for the rest of my years until I get out.
Because I will be dependent on the person for my happiness. I know better than to keep someone as an energy source. That shit is nasty and will mess everyone up- both parents and children.
One of my soul sisters, Jenny Lane asked me “what success looks like?” I figured it’s easier to say “when I am financially made.” But then another question popped up in my head, “when will that be?”
That didn’t help me feel better. Although, I’d think my healing will come from my response. So Jenny, I have no answer to your question. Not yet. When I figure it out, I will let you know.
I’m leaning toward what Toya said to me. She believes my depression is a preparation for a breakthrough. I laughed at myself when I read her comment. But then, I took a screenshot of it and I read it every time I feel sick. It reminds me that there is something to look forward to.
My life has always revolved around money, and more money. That’s why no amount seems to be enough.
Since I started reading The Obstacle Is the Way, I have started discovering other meanings to life, how I truly want to live, and what I need in my future. Srini introduced me to the world of stoicism, and it has changed my opinion about the world, and life.
Honestly, that is what I need now more than marriage. I’m realizing that self-discovery is a continuous process. I was wrong to think I only need to go through this process once in a lifetime.
I may not know where my head is right now, but I know for every step of my journey, I’m not alone. I have my family here on Medium to keep me going and that’s enough for now.
Thank you for reading. If you missed the previous stories about my depression, read up below.
