I Feel Like I’ve Failed Myself, Again

I did everything I was told, yet this one thing is holding me back from achieving financial freedom.

At 38, I feel like a failure. The truth is hard to admit, but when you do, a whole new world opens up to you.

I’m one of those who know what they want from life. I know how to coordinate myself and my aspirations

I have my priorities in check. I know when to call the shots, and when to allow someone else’s to take the lead.

I know when to be hopeful, and when to quit. But lately, I have lost the determination to keep my head down.

I no longer know what my future looks like. Some days, I think I have it together, other days, I feel lost, unmotivated, and completely disembodied.

It feels like a hurricane blew over and left me empty. I doubt my worth, and confidence and I sabotage my happiness to blame of skewed comparison.

I look at my mate, they are climbing their career ladder faster, building their homes, growing their empire, and amassing wealth and power. But when I look at myself, I see nothing.

I should be grateful if I think about where I came from. I had nothing when I moved to the States. But today, I have enough to keep me off the street. I live in my own house, my business isn’t doing badly, my career is doing okay, and I have a loving daughter who is the center of my world.

Still, I feel stuck.

It seems my expectations are not aligning with my reality. I work hard, more than the average person, but I think my mates have accomplished more in life than me.

When I scroll through social media and compare myself to those with more glamorous lives, it looks like I’m not as competent and intelligent as they are.

Life sucks as a mediocre

“Aptitude plus obsession equals greatness.” — Josh Bezoni

I haven’t been one to be consistent at anything. And now more than ever, I have no focus on anything. I’m having trouble showing up to work.

I’m struggling with up and down energy flow. I have my vision imprinted in my heart and head, but they seem unreachable.

The last time I felt this way was after my accident. I lost the will to live. I gave up on life. And I attempted suicide four times. I don’t want to hit another downward spiral again.

But it seems like I’m nearing that edge. It hurts. And I’m scared.

I spoke to my friend who is also my therapist, he said I must be going through something called a “failure trap.” From all signs and purposes, from feeling inferior to losing faith in life, my situation describes that of a failure trap.

And as much as I hate to admit it, I am mediocre.

My performance in life is moderate. I’m not great at what I do and I have noticed a pattern of inconsistency that pulls down me below the standards I’ve set for my future.

I’m not one to obsess about wealth, at least, not since I almost got myself in trouble. I think my being mediocre began after that experience. I played it safe in everything. I went easy in my pursuit of wealth and now am stuck at normal.

Robin Sharma once said, “Until your mission is an obsession, nothing will change.”

I’m beginning to see where my problem lies.

For a long time, I associated obsession with a negative light. I saw it as an attitude toward self-destruction. Some people say an obsession is a way for damaged people to damage themselves more and I believed them.

So I avoided committing to a particular thing, both in my professional and romantic life. If I was attached to anything, money, love, power, etc, I won’t self-destruct.

However, since I started listening to Grant Cardone, a former addict, and now a millionaire and best-selling author of Be Obsessed or Be Average, I have a different perspective on obsession.

Cardone defines obsession as the “fuel that gives you a can’t-quit, won’t-quit, accelerator-to-the-floor monster ambition inside of you and it grows as you grow regardless of your age.”

There are times I get close to winning, and all that remains is one more push to hit the mark, but then I never take the shot. I had the opportunity. I had my target. But I missed my shot.

That’s what mediocrity does. It keeps you in a box. You get inspired by your hard-working boss, topranker friend, and famous celebrities crushing it in their industry.

But, it doesn’t last long.

Can I beat mediocrity on my own?

“The more you’re obsessed by something the better chance you have of achieving it.” — Frank Zane

Never settle. Be hungry and restless, they say. Aim for the stars, and not the moon. Strive for excellence. Go big or go home.

The world is so noisy you can hardly hear yourself think. The media shove stories success of people down our throats and we feel helpless if we don’t live up to the status quo.

We’ve been all raised by television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars, but we won’t.

We’re slowly learning that dreams don’t always come true and we’re very pissed off.

It sucks to know your dreams are merely wishful thinking.

I miss those days when I was fearless. When I would dive into every opportunity regardless of the risk.

As I reflect on my life from the time I had nothing, I was more driven by money then than I am today.

I settled in, playing it safe thinking that’s what will get me where I want to be.

That I am content and happy with an ordinary life. But no! I’m not as happy as I want to be.

I agree with Clara Shih. She said, “As entrepreneurs, we must constantly dream and have the conviction and obsession to transform our dreams into reality — to create a future that never existed before.”

I want to have that obsession to thrive. I don’t want to live a wasted life of mediocrity. Retiring on anything less than 100% of my income will be misery. I want a life I never have to worry about money, like Rihanna.

Now it looks like all that I want in life is just a dream. I don’t know how long it will take for me to regain my ambition again. I already tried meditation, hiking, and traveling to get my sparkle back. But all failed.

Taking a break won’t help me. I’m left with reading and writing about how I feel. The last time I felt this way, reading Ziglar’s book See You At The Top gave me a sense of purpose.

Every day, I open a chapter of “Be Obsessed or Be Average” and I mark the portion that speaks to my brain. I’m hoping to ignite that fire by being as obsessed as Cardone.

Let’s see how that goes. I have entered a new journey in my life and I’m freaking scared about the outcome. I will keep you posted if anything changes.

I get emails from my readers asking how I stay positive all the time. Now you have your answer. I’m not always in high spirits. I have been expressing my vulnerability bit by bit in my stories. You might want to read them below. I’m trying not to judge myself too harshly. So if you are in the same boat as me, I hope we find our way again.

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