Restaurant Rants
Why Your Burger Isn’t a Signature Dish
It’s a fucking burger!
Look at the photo above. What do you see?
“Err, a burger?”
“Correct.”
What it isn’t, is a Signature Fucking Burger!
A signature dish is a unique dish created at specific times by specific chefs for specific people. Well-known examples include the Waldorf and Caesar salads, Eggs Benedict, and Beef Wellington.
With perhaps the most famous example being the sandwich. Created by the 4th Earl of Sandwich (1718–92), so he could eat without having to leave his gaming table.
This means your stupid dumb greasy cheeseburger is not a Signature Burger in any way. It’s a burger.
Even MacDonald’s have got in on the act. Here’s one from the UK Signature Dish Range, called The Classic.
100% British and Irish beef, bacon, cheddar cheese, wholegrain mustard mayo, ketchup, lettuce and red onion, all in a Brioche style bun.
So, it’s a cheeseburger with bacon…..
The Chef’s Special
There’s nothing special about a chef’s special. I know this, because I’ve been one.
And this is what happens.
You arrive in the morning at your kitchen to discover there’s a load of uneaten food. Sausages from the night before, cuts of meat swept off the floor, and a pile of old vegetables.
Time for the chef’s special.
Two hours later, voilà! Meat and vegetable stew.
Only it isn’t called that.
It’s The Chef’s Signature Stew: succulent cuts of home farmed beef, braised with specially selected sausages and market-fresh vegetables.
— £18.95
Not that it tastes bad — my stew used to be exceptional I might add — but it’s not special. It’s the stuff that was about to be thrown away.
The Pan-Fried Fishcake
When you see something pan-fried on the menu, you think of high-class chefs frying fishcakes in extra virgin olive oil in priceless Koch stainless steel pans.
But don’t be fooled. Because 90% of the time your pan-fried fishcake will be deep-fried along with the fries.
Trust me, I’ve done it.
Homemade Pie
Yeah, right. Homemade, really, where?
Or has the chef just rolled out a sheet of factory-made pastry, chucked in a pot of jam, and called it homemade.
Next time you see ‘homemade’ pie on the menu, ask what type of pastry they use. Then ask for the recipe. Ask how they made the filling. What proportions. That normally stumps them.
Drizzled
This is my last rant, promise. And it’s not the word ‘drizzled’ that gets me, but what the food looks like when it has been drizzled on with something. Normally balsamic vinegar, chocolate, olive oil, or fucking chilli sauce.
There is no fathomable reason on earth for doing this. Other than to take my mind off the fact that there is something horribly wrong with what I’m about to eat.
Why would you do this?
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