Why You Find Yourself Drawn To Narcissistic Relationships
Even if you intuitively know how dysfunctional they are.
Narcissists are experts at creating an intense and passionate dynamic that can be exhilarating and addictive.
They tell you everything you’ve always wanted to hear. They promise to take you to every place you’ve ever wanted to visit. They compliment every trait of yours. They bombard you with texts and phone calls, making you feel loved like never before.
It feels amazing. It feels exciting. More importantly, you’ve never felt so valued and appreciated.
And then, when you least expect it, they withhold all that love and attention.
They get distant, cold, and manipulative. They’re no longer the caring, loving person who’d shower you with romantic gestures every second. And you’re left wondering, what’s happening? Why has s/he changed? Did I do something wrong?
Despite the harm caused by narcissistic relationships, you may find yourself drawn to them time and time again.
Why, you ask? Why do I get myself into such unstable, dysfunctional relationships?
Let’s talk about it.
You Associate Love With Chaos
When we find ourselves drawn to narcissistic relationships, it’s often because we associate love with chaos. Unfortunately, this association is perpetuated by society and reinforced by popular culture.
You have been conditioned to believe that love should be tumultuous and full of ups and downs. As a consequence, you mistake the intense emotions and drama of a narcissistic relationship for true love.
In reality, the chaos and drama in a narcissistic relationship are the results of manipulation and control. Narcissists need to feel powerful and in control, and they use tactics like gaslighting, love-bombing, and triangulation to keep their partners off-balance and dependent on them.
As time goes by, you become addicted to:
- The rush of emotions that comes with not knowing how they’re going to behave (are they going to be caring and passionate, or cold and manipulative?);
- The possibility of being love bombed again, which makes you hold onto the love crumbs they throw here and there.
If you want to dive deeper into this pattern, highly recommend reading this:
Healthy Relationships Make You Feel Bored
In healthy relationships, there is a sense of security and stability that feels foreign or even boring after the chaos of a narcissistic relationship.
The lack of drama and intensity feels dull at first, but it’s important to recognize that this is a good thing. Healthy relationships are built on trust, mutual respect, and communication.
The focus is on building a foundation for a long-lasting relationship, rather than temporary pleasure and instant gratification.
One of the biggest differences between healthy relationships and those with narcissists is the level of emotional intelligence and empathy present. Narcissists lack the ability to truly connect and empathize with their partners. They view their partners as objects to be used for their own gain and do not consider their needs or feelings.
In healthy relationships, on the other hand, empathy and understanding are prioritized. Both partners are able to communicate their needs and feelings effectively and work together to create a fulfilling and supportive partnership.
As I wrote in They Are Not Your Soulmate. You’re Trauma-Bonded To Them,
“Emotionally healthy people don’t rush into relationships. They won’t shower you with love and affection days after meeting you, because they know good things take time to build.
Emotionally healthy people don’t need to tell you what you want to hear, because they don’t need to convince you of anything. Even if they’re falling in love with you, they will take their time to get to know you.
I know this is not what you want to hear when you’re being love-bombed, but it’s the truth.”
“Okay. But Why Do I Have These Beliefs And Expectations Around Love?”
Popular culture is not the only reason you’re programmed to associate love with chaos.
If you find yourself drawn to narcissistic relationships, chances are you grew up in an unstable and chaotic environment and now you’re seeking out the familiar feelings of drama and intensity in your adult relationships.
The relationships we form as adults are often influenced by our experiences in childhood. While acknowledging this connection can be difficult and painful, it can also be the first step toward breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationships.
If our childhood was marked by chaos, we inevitably feel uncomfortable in calm/stable situations. Instead, we’re drawn to relationships that are filled with drama, conflict, and even abuse. We mistake these unhealthy dynamics for love.
That’s because deep down we believe that’s the kind of love we deserve.
Narcissists are charismatic and charming, and they offer a sense of excitement and passion that feels familiar to those who grew up in chaos. However, this initial appeal can quickly turn into manipulation and control, as the narcissist seeks to maintain power over their partner.
Unfortunately, those who grew up in chaos are more likely to stay in these relationships, even as they become increasingly abusive.
It’s crucial to take time to heal and process the trauma caused by a narcissistic relationship before jumping into a new relationship.
Acknowledging the connection between our chaotic childhoods and our attraction to narcissistic relationships can be painful. It requires us to confront old wounds and traumas, and to recognize patterns that we’ve been repeating for years.
However, if we want to break these patterns, that’s exactly what we need to do.
