Love Bombing: A Narcissist’s Greatest Weapon
In narcissistic relationships, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
We already know that narcissistic relationships can be incredibly confusing, painful, and overwhelming.
We know manipulative and invalidating they can be. We know how much it hurts to be in a relationship with someone who’s incapable of accepting us for who we are.
Things get even more complicated if this is our first relationship. The naive, inexperienced voice inside our mind wants us to believe “this is just a phase”, “every relationship has problems” and that “they will eventually change”.
However, there’s often a particular reason we find it so difficult to leave, and that is the love bombing phase/cycle.
Love bombing is not only their biggest weapon in the beginning stages of a relationship, but also their go-to resource when they feel like they’re losing control over their partner.
That’s why it’s crucial to be aware of this manipulation tactic.
They Tell You Everything You’ve Always Wanted To Hear
More often than not, at the beginning of a narcissistic relationship, you’re showered with affection, compliments, and over-the-top gestures.
They tell you everything you’ve always wanted to hear. They promise to take you to every place you’ve ever wanted to visit. They compliment every trait of yours. They bombard you with texts and phone calls, making you feel loved like never before.
They tell you things like “we were born to be together”, “you understand me more than anyone” and “I’ve never met anyone as perfect as you”.
It feels amazing. It feels exciting. More importantly, you’ve never felt so valued and appreciated.
And then, when you least expect it, they withhold all that love and attention.
They get distant, cold, and manipulative. They’re no longer the caring, loving person who’d shower you with romantic gestures every second. And you’re left wondering, what’s happening? Why has s/he changed? Did I do something wrong?
Here’s the truth: nothing has changed. Their real self has just come up to the surface.
You Hold Onto Who They Were In The Beginning
When their real, damaged self begins to arise, you begin to make up excuses for their behavior.
You romanticize your relationship. You hold onto the crumbs they throw here and there. You hold onto the past because the present is intolerable. You hold onto who they were because you have no idea of who they really are.
If you eventually decide to leave for good, or if they feel like they’re losing you, they love bomb you one more time. They tell you how sorry they are, and how much they love you. For a few days or weeks, it feels like that sweet person you met is finally back.
Only to crush your hopes once again.
This cycle repeats itself for months, years, or lifetimes. Eventually, you get addicted to the roller coaster — and you normalize it.
This is one of the main reasons why people get trapped in narcissistic relationships: everything was so perfect in the beginning, that you can’t help but hope you’ll experience that kind of love again.
Unfortunately, that love was never real to begin with.
“Love bombers tend to use a barrage of affection in order to later exert control over their partner. The target becomes addicted to the adoring behavior that the love bomber initially displays — when these attentions are withdrawn they find themselves pursuing the high that they experienced at the start of the relationship. Love bombing is most common among narcissists and goes hand-in-hand with other toxic relationship traits including gaslighting and emotional abuse.”
Katie Bishop in ‘Love Bombing’ Is the Scary Control Tactic Narcissists Don’t Want You to Know About
Real, mature love is consistent. It makes you feel peaceful and grounded.
In fact, this is something you have to learn if you’ve spent many years in unstable, chaotic relationships: that love is not supposed to be unstable and unreliable. It may sound obvious, but the truth is, the more time we spend dealing with dysfunctional people, the more we normalize their behavior.
Love bombing is a very common pattern in narcissistic relationships. However, if we’re able to spot the red flags right at the beginning, we can leave before real damage occurs.
You deserve someone who genuinely shows affection. You deserve someone who’s reliable and authentic.
You deserve someone who makes you feel loved, safe, and respected — on a constant basis.
