Why Would a Narcissist Betray You in a Way You Can Never Accept?
Is it because they are completely done with you?
An overt narcissist may cheat on you, steal from you, leave you stranded somewhere when they’re angry, or worse.
They don’t necessarily see it as a betrayal. They see it as what they wanted or needed to do to take care of themselves, emotionally, mentally, or physically.
That takes top priority.
If it’s a betrayal, that’s bonus points — extra narcissistic supply. They get to experience your anger, hurt, betrayal, basking in the fact that they had the power to cause those feelings. Knowing you so willingly gave your power away. Knowing they can reel you back in.
One of two things will now happen:
- You will resist and complain, tell them their behavior is unacceptable, yet ultimately take them back.
They may offer false apologies, tell you they’ve changed, convince you they’re the only one that will love you.
When you take them back after a betrayal, you’ve devalued yourself. You did the heavy lifting for them. They just get to soak up the narcissistic supply.
They will look for a way to betray you again, so that you devalue yourself further. That is ultimate power and control.
2. You will leave.
No skin off their back. They have another source of narcissistic supply, desperately waiting for the opportunity to become the primary source. You will lash out, complain, want closure, and they get supply from that, too.
Either way, their need for supply is met — today.
If you’ve been through a betrayal before, you know that they’ll want you back — when they’re new supply doesn’t work out, when they need something.
You want to understand
Surely, they know I won’t take them back after that. Does this mean they are completely done?
It’s only natural to try to understand their behavior, to understand what in the world they are thinking.
And yet it’s the wrong question.
The narcissist doesn’t care about you. They only care about themselves, meeting their own needs. They go where they can gather the most narcissistic supply for the least effort.
The narcissist may test you to see if you’re still a good source of supply while getting their supply in other ways (either admiration from others or by devaluing you).
If you are no longer a good source of supply, they move on. They don’t need to betray you to do that. They are just as likely to disappear from your life without a word.
So why a major betrayal? Because you accept it. You’ve accepted the smaller betrayals that came before.
You have given the narcissist the power to devalue you and to determine when the relationship ends. You wonder if they’ve chosen to be done with you.
The better question
Why aren’t you completely done with them?
You are responsible for taking care of you, for setting the bar for how you are treated, for deciding what you will and will not accept in a relationship.
What are you willing to accept?
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Adapted from an answer I originally wrote on Quora.
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