Relationships/Love

Solo Date Nights: Recharging Relationships

Alone — Together.

Being in a committed relationship takes effort and dedication from two people. This may be easy to say or write — but it’s even more difficult to actively accomplish in reality.

After the initial flush of dating and a relationship becomes more serious, there are big decisions to be made. This could include decisions about moving in together, whether or not to get married and have children, if you or your partner already have children, and how to merge those elements cohesively.

After several years, a relationship can change from something that used to be just about you and your partner into shared stress about money, kids, chores, work schedules, and why it is neither of you can ever get just one minute to yourselves.

One can certainly begin to covet the years spent without having to worry about caring for, supporting, or checking in with anyone else.

This is why on many nights when my husband and I have an opportunity to have a conventional date night out together, quite often, we don’t take it. We don’t plan anything. We don’t go anywhere.

Instead of getting all dressed up and making reservations somewhere expensive, we allow each other segments of time within the same home together where we do the enjoyable things we used to do when we were single.

As in, alone.

I’m talking about the things people do when they’re all alone and no one’s watching — like pigging out on food, watching TV, or wearing pajamas for hours on end. Every once in a while my husband and I gift each other with the luxury of doing these things when the grandparents can help out with babysitting. Rather than doing the fancy ‘date night’ stuff, we just stay home and relax.

For me, a night like this looks like watching whatever I want on TV alone with a glass of wine or taking a hot bath. For my husband, this could mean staying up late, playing video games, eating junk food, or just zoning out in whichever way he so wishes.

If we want to go out with friends, that’s always an option, but that would take actual effort and planning which contradicts the whole idea of relaxing.

The concept of doing nothing really does become a luxury after a while of being in a long-term relationship, working, having kids, or just the reality of being pulled in several different directions by life and responsibilities.

This alone time together is something we do that helps us to come back to our relationship and responsibilities with a fresh perspective after having some much-needed downtime for ourselves. The luxury of doing nothing when you usually don’t get an opportunity to do so is highly underestimated — especially for mental health.

Spending time with your partner is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. However, spending time alone, turning off your brain, and not worrying about pleasing anyone but yourself is something I believe every couple needs to allow each other to do peacefully and without guilt.

One of the reasons why so many people love being single and are hesitant to get locked down into a committed relationship is that they don’t want to lose their independence, their downtime, and their overall sense of self. I know that giving up a lot of my personal space to make room for my relationship and all that eventually came with it was a difficult transition.

Just because a couple ends up with a free evening doesn’t necessarily mean they have to do something together like go to dinner, the movies — or even have sex. What it CAN mean is some serious individual time to relax and shut off.

Oftentimes, I think couples feel pressured or forced to do planned, fancy date nights but, honestly, if you and your partner get the opportunity for a date night but both of you are grumpy or exhausted — skip going out together and just stay in.

Practice the art of being alone while together.

I think every couple should try spending individual time alone instead of going on a date night every once in a while. Get back in touch with your inner single person even though you’re in a relationship. You’ll be much happier, less grouchy, and much more likely to enjoy a proper date night out of the house with your partner the next time it comes around.

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