Relationships/Marriage

No One Gets Married Thinking They’ll Get Divorced — Or Do They?

“Hell is paved with good intentions.” ― Samuel Johnson

I went into my first marriage with hope, optimism, and naivety. I also went into it alongside a little voice in my head telling me it might not work out.

I heard the voice. I just chose to carry on with my marriage plans anyway.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who married someone not being entirely sure it was the right decision. In fact, according to Bustle, you’d be surprised just how many people regret being married to the person to whom they’re still married.

When CivicScience asked 1,900 married Americans if they would marry their spouse again, a whopping 31 percent said they wouldn’t. Not only that, 12 percent said they weren’t sure. So, only 57 percent would remarry their current spouse.

Taking all this into account, is the fact that I divorced the person I married with that doubt embedded into my consciousness better than staying unhappily married to them?

It’s a real conundrum because no one can expect to have everything go right 100 percent of the time in any given marriage. It comes down to our expectations versus reality. When we marry based on a fantasy, such as expecting to be happy with that person all the time, expecting to never argue, or expecting there never to be challenges, it’s pretty easy to see why a marriage would falter under that kind of disillusionment.

While many people don’t enter into the commitment of marriage with the intention of divorcing, I wouldn’t hesitate to say that plenty of people jump into marriage with significant concerns or, at least, a lack of the kind of relationship experience that would help them navigate potential obstacles.

In my case, I simply had very little experience in relationships. I was 12 years younger than my first husband. He had substance abuse and anger issues that I was not equipped to deal with, although I certainly tried. I knew that the age gap might pose a problem going in, but I married him because I thought I could fix him, help him, heal him.

Looking back, my decision to marry my first husband was based more on what I thought the positive effect that level of commitment could have not only for his mental and emotional health but for our relationship as a whole. I wasn’t thinking about how marrying an unstable person might affect me.

“Hell is paved with good intentions.” ― Samuel Johnson, The Life of Samuel Johnson LL.D. Vol 2

Ultimately, as many of those who attended our wedding undoubtedly knew would happen, our marriage labored under the pressure of strife, addiction, and abuse, eventually cracking.

That voice I had heard in my head at the beginning had been correct — YES. However, at the time I agreed to get married, that same voice was also telling me that I loved this person, that the problems were fixable, and that I wanted to give it a go. That’s the part of the equation that makes it difficult to say those who have doubts going into a marriage should just say no at the get-go.

We never know if our initial reservations will come to fruition in a way that’s so extreme they’re capable of destroying a relationship. Sometimes, couples can overcome significant problems. And sometimes they can’t.

This is why, even at their best, most marriages are inherently a gamble, a risk, a roll of the dice.

This is not to say that the commitment to marriage is meaningless or that divorce is inconsequential. No. I certainly never planned on getting divorced when I let those marriage vows pass my lips. I meant them at the time, even if I wasn’t completely sure things would work out. Good and true intentions were present.

I evolved after my divorce. I came into myself. I learned important lessons that shaped me into a wiser person who was able to make healthier, more informed choices going forward. Getting divorced was part of the journey that led me to where I am today.

Sometimes the only way we can know that something won’t work out for sure even when we have the best intentions of making it successful, whether it’s a job, a move, or a marriage — is to just do it.

“But remember that good intentions pave many roads. Not all of them lead to hell.” ― Neal Shusterman, Scythe

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