Relationships/Self

What I Wish I Could Tell Younger Women About Love (And Lust)

Hindsight is 20/20.

We all have to learn our lessons in life, love, sex, and dating. Unfortunately, none of us are born with the wisdom of knowing how to navigate most situations, feelings, or relationships.

There are so many experiences I look back on where it would have been so much better to have had some sort of foresight, advice, or knowledge that may have changed my mind regarding a particular situation.

As a grown woman, these are a few things I wish younger women out in the world could know if they’re open to hearing it.

Dating older people isn’t necessarily better

When I was 20 I started a pattern of dating much older men. At the time, of course, it was flattering to get the attention of a man who had more sexual experience and who perhaps had more interesting stories to talk about than a guy my age.

I felt grown up. They liked me because I was intelligent beyond my years.

Right??

Not necessarily.

I just didn’t feel as though I related to guys my age when I was 20. However, looking back, the older men I chose weren’t exactly classy intellectual types either. Nope. Most of them were just charming players who had other young girlfriends on the side who were just like me.

Those older guys probably didn’t respect me more or less than someone my age might have. Those older men should have known better than to pursue someone who wasn’t even at the legal drinking age yet.

More importantly, I should have respected myself more.

That said, I did learn some lessons from those older men. I learned that very few of the older men who wanted to spend time with me had any intention of being in a long-term relationship. Many of them were incapable of holding down a real relationship with a mature woman their age. Presumably, that’s why they preyed on younger girls.

I learned the hard way that if you don’t respect yourself and your body, no one else will either.

I was so naive and passionate about love when I was 20 — but in reality — none of the relationships I thought I wanted with much older men would have worked out long-term.

The 20-year-old I used to be thought she was in a romance novel and probably did read way too many romance novels.

Final Word: Older men may be better at smooth-talking, but their age doesn’t necessarily make them more trustworthy or dependable. Respect yourself more.

Great sex is great — but sometimes that’s all there is

Yes, the sex haze can be brutal — brutally amazing, that is.

Until it’s not.

Getting caught up in intense physical chemistry with someone is an experience like no other and I have been down this road a few times.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having oodles of magnificent sex. However if that’s all there is going on in the relationship, especially after several months, that may be all there is and you may not want to have unrealistic expectations about a purely physical relationship turning into something else.

There are people who are great lovers and then there are people who are great loves. If you’re lucky to get both together, that’s very lucky. Sexual compatibility combined with caring companionship is the holy grail of relationships.

Final Word: If you and your sexual partner are fine with just having a sexual relationship without any of the other stuff — then by all means — enjoy. Unfortunately, you can’t always turn sexual chemistry into a real, functional relationship.

Beauty fades & relationships end — but there’s more to life than that

When you’re a teenage girl or in your early 20s, you’re often focused on your looks to a great extent. But many of us don’t even realize how beautiful we are until we look back at pictures twenty years later.

When I was 20, I was intensely wrapped up in the idea of being beautiful on the outside and loved by someone I desired. Those two things always seemed to go together in my mind.

Until we get older, we often don’t see our true inner beauty. Many of us become sucked into the mindset that we must appear desirable and attractive to a potential partner at all times to be accepted and loved. I’ll admit that I fell into that trap.

I quit university after my first year to travel. I was and I think I still am a gifted painter. I also love to write (spoiler alert!). I brushed all of that aside for many years and became consumed with traveling, partying with friends, and obsessing over romantic relationships. I know now that I should have worked harder on my talents so that I could have had something to fall back on in my later years.

I worked all through my 20s. I was a waitress and bartender — I sometimes worked retail. I made money, but I didn’t go back to school or hone my talents for the future.

I had no concept of the future. I was 20. I was a romantic. I wanted to be in love. I was living in a fantasy.

Looking back, I could have attended a community college for art or writing which would have helped me out later on in life when I decided to dive into writing.

Final Word: Focus on evolving your talents and skills rather than pouring all your energy into your ego and/or relationships.

Remember all your mistakes because you might be a parent one day

I never thought I would have kids — but I did.

I want to be honest with my kids about the mistakes and questionable choices I’ve made in my life — and in relationships. I don’t want to pretend to be perfect and I want my kids to know that I’m a human being with flaws. I certainly won’t encourage them to do many of the things I did, but I’ll let them know I understand their urge to do so.

A lot of the lessons I’ll teach my kids will involve admitting I did all the things parents warn their children never to do. I’m not going to lie about that part.

If I could tell my younger self something ahead of time, I’d mention being prepared to relive her mistakes to teach her future children. Maybe I’d ask my younger self if she’d want her child to be doing that ill-advised thing she’s about to do or date that particular person who has all the red flags. Would she do it anyway? Probably.

The most vital message I’d tell my younger 20-year-old self is to remember empathy, compassion, and understanding when she becomes a parent. I’d tell her to be firm as a parent but also to remember. Remember the excitement, passion, and newness of everything. Remember that the young always think they’re invincible. Remember that she once thought she was invincible too, especially when in love.

Experimentation is a rite of passage for young people. You can’t control the mistakes your children make but you can pass down the wisdom you gained from your own adventurous, perhaps misguided experiences. And besides that — just be there for them when they mess up.

I’ll be honest, hindsight is 20/20. It’s so much easier to tell younger people how it is after you've already experienced life in a way they never have.

However, sometimes, very small nuggets of wisdom can be absorbed if we share them with the understanding that young people have to learn most things on their own through some serious trial and error.

That said, I hope this helps.

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