Infidelity/Relationships

What Does Forgiveness Look Like When You’ve Been Cheated On?

Is forgiving a cheating partner really worth it?

My husband’s good friend cheated on his wife. She forgave him. Well, supposedly she forgave him. One can never know for sure.

Forgiveness is a fragile and often convoluted concept that doesn’t always translate well in reality.

Do partners who have been cheated on ever truly forgive that betrayal? And if so, what does that forgiveness look like?

For my husband's friend, the forgiveness journey with his wife looked like a list of things he could no longer do. He was not allowed to drink anymore since he had been drinking heavily when he had his affair. He was not allowed to go out with his guy friends. He was very closely monitored by his wife and she pretty much went everywhere with him.

To me, this seemed a little like an indentured prison term. How long would it last? How long would he have to be indebted to his wife for the affair? Would they ever go back to the way they used to be or was the relationship trapped in a never-ending infidelity watch?

Per a U.S Gallup poll, 31% of those polled said they would try and save their marriage after their partner cheated, however, between 60–75% of couples end up staying together after an affair is discovered.

The answer as to why couples end up staying together after infidelity even when they previously said they wouldn’t tolerate cheating is about as complicated as relationships are. When two people share a life that includes a home, kids, and all the mutual investments they’ve made together over many years, severing those ties becomes increasingly difficult to do.

Whether someone has forgiven a cheating partner or not, separating lives isn’t easy.

That said, the act of saying you forgive someone for an affair doesn’t mean the infidelity is ever forgotten about and this is something a lot of people don’t consider.

When a partner agrees to forgive you, it means they’re willing to put the infidelity aside to focus on rebuilding the relationship. That doesn’t mean it will never come up again.

Forgiving an affair doesn’t mean there still won’t be fights about it. It doesn’t mean the betrayed partner won’t still get angry or cry over the indiscretion many times while attempting to resuscitate the relationship.

Is forgiving a cheating partner really worth it? I wondered. Looking at my husband’s friend trying to ingratiate himself back into his wife’s world, forgiveness looked like hard and stressful work. She watched his every movement and interaction with other females. He could barely make eye contact with another woman in front of her — including me!

The official definition of forgiveness is ‘the intentional and voluntary process by which one who may initially feel victimized or wronged, goes through a change in feelings and attitude regarding a given offender, and overcomes the impact of the offense including negative emotions such as resentment and a desire for vengeance (however justified it might be).’

Therefore, if a person whose partner has cheated on them truly wants to forgive, they would have to overcome their feelings of betrayal and victimization over the act and hopefully develop a new version of trust for their partner that overrides the previously broken trust that existed before.

Phew. That’s a lot to overcome.

Perhaps it’s possible over a good span of years, with an increased effort put into the relationship and a consistent devotion to intimacy.

I’m not sure that giving a cheating partner a list of things that they can and cannot do is the best answer, but it is clear that many couples who experience infidelity end up staying in the relationship. Some even experience a sense of rekindling or a ‘honeymoon period,’ if you will. How long that phase lasts, I’m not entirely sure.

People often say that forgiving is not forgetting. This is certainly true if you have a memory. I imagine that it’s easier to feel as though you’ve forgiven someone as certain painful memories of betrayal fade away.

Each individual has varying degrees of thresholds for their trust being broken. For some people, a kiss with another person constitutes cheating while other people wouldn’t agree. For some people, the expression once a cheater, always a cheater is written in stone. Other people believe that someone who has cheated can change and ultimately be redeemed as a trusted partner.

I’m not sure how much longer my husband’s friend will be on infidelity watch with his wife or when her feeling of trust for him will come back — if ever.

Time will certainly tell.

Have you ever been cheated on? If so, did you forgive your partner? Please explain in the comments ;)

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