Why Sexual Pen Names Are So Important — And Should Be Respected

No one is entitled to your private life — fake name or otherwise

“I’m sure you can imagine it’s pretty frustrating to have people talking about your private life who don’t know anything about it.”

— American Actress, Aisha Tyler —

Pen Names Are More Than Just A Name

Recently, I have begun pondering the ethics of sexual entitlement. It’s a creative venture that has taken me to an unusual place in my writing life. It has also forced me to begin asking myself a simple question that's increasingly sounding like a Batman riddle.

“What is in a name?”

As I continue to throw myself down the rabbit hole of sex blogging, I can’t help but notice a strange trend — many sex writers don’t use their real names. More often than not, they are frequently women and often masquerade under stylish profile pictures. These are people that live enchanting double lives on the internet. On one hand, they’re vulnerable, and often exciting tales of sexual exploration capture your attention by gripping with sheer brutal honesty on a taboo subject. You feel enthralled and compelled to keep reading because of the taboo nature of sex, especially in the world of women. While there is a weird disconnect in my self-awareness of their pen name, that doesn’t discount the fact that the education and stories they write are often fascinating and enlightening.

However, I have often come to accept that there is a darker side to this lifestyle. Once again, societal double standards come into play here. For men, most of us wouldn’t give a shit about oversharing. When men give sex advice, which is usually just a form of egotistic braggadocio, we’re often praised and put on a pedestal. Rarely, is there ever a fear of recourse in a man oversharing too much about his sexual interests.

Women, unfortunately, do not have this same luxury. For all of the joy that the internet has brought us, it can very easily lead to a dangerous realm for my female peers. Time and time again, society has proven unkind to the female perspective on many important issues — with sexuality being somewhere near the top of that list. With the rise of social media, comes the painful reality that safety is a very real concern for many. From possibly deranged stalkers to ridiculous violent threats that should be taken seriously, there is no telling who may pop out of the dark corners of the world wide web and attempt to ruin your life.

Pen names are more than just a fancy pseudonym — there a real-world shield against very real-world problems. While I do believe that certain social standards should be held, I’m also self-aware enough to know that being a woman adds an extra level of risk to many activities of life. A risk that many sex writers are cognizant of at all times.

Women, Sex Writing and Career Safety

In the world of career work, taboo subjects and workplace social habits simply do not mix.

Whether you work as a school teacher or a powerful company, it’s a difficult fact of life that certain things are borderline forbidden in the workplace. Whether that’s sexuality, social justice moments, or fighting toxic workplace cultures, there’s always the heavy risk of performing career suicide. Particularly, in the case of women and sex, it’s more than just career suicide — it could be the spark to a misogynistic fire if they're not careful.

As this pandemic continues to ravage the world, the benefits of having job security and the benefits that come with that, cannot be understated. Most writers, sexual or otherwise, are not financially independent people. They are not out here making Tim Denning levels of cash through sheer writing alone. Actually, most of us can’t realistically pay the bills with our writing. And to even achieve that level of financial success through content writing, it takes a long period of the hustle and grind that’s often not mentioned enough around here. When compounded with the life pressures of womanhood, having a job that can back you up is an absolute blessing.

Thankfully, sex writing is more than just money — it’s art. It’s the expression on sexual matters that have taken increased importance in today’s modern society. It’s sexual education for those that never received the proper real-world talk that one should have as they grow up. It’s a therapy for those with sexual traumas and healing for the broken-hearted.

Sex writing may not be good for the bank account, but it’s incredible for the human soul.

While the world of career work still caters to the old-fashioned view that women are still sluts for speaking on sexuality, sex writing can have a positive effect.

I mean yeah you have your derivative “how to give better sex and blowjobs” reading that we’ve seen a million times, but there is a lot of important information out there for those exploring sexuality.

No One Is Entitled to Your Personal Life

At the end of the day, no one is entitled to someone’s personal life — fake name or otherwise.

As scandalous as some of their writing may be, the truth is we’re not owed anything. This extends to a much deeper conversation on the nature of Parasocial relationships:

Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other’s existence. Parasocial relationships are most common with celebrities, organizations (such as sports teams) or television stars.

In the past, parasocial relationships occurred predominantly with television personas. Now, these relationships also occur between individuals and their favorite bloggers, social media users, and gamers.

Source: National Register of Health Service Psychologists

These types of relationships are the literal definition of socially-distanced. It used to be the world would gush over celebrities and high-profile individuals like Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, and Kim Kardashian. However, with the rise of social-media centric society, it’s much easier to cultivate a connection with your favorite online personality. Whether it’s on Twitter and Facebook, the streaming community of Twitch and OnlyFans, or popular YouTubers, they are the ones most frequently using this style of relationship. Or even a certain writing platform we all know and love.

However, due to the one-way nature of this connection, it’s easy to demand more out of our favorite personalities. When we read a juicy sex story, we want more details. When they detail an amazing sexual encounter, we may wish we were there. More and more, we may push the boundary of expectation from our favorite writer — and not even realize it.

Pen names exist to protect people from that level of social demand. When someone can just as quickly look you up on a social media platform, it demands an extra layer of security. While social media engagement has given way to increased creative freedom, it has also created another avenue of social stalking. Specifically, if you’re a woman oversharing her sex life, it’s all too easy to fall into the stress of toxic perceptions.

Pen Names Are More Than Just Sex

Pen names exist for a reason — if you want vulnerable, honest, and truly informed writing, a pen name helps. It inspires confidence and liberation in the minds of those that utilize them. A pseudonym not only gives you the ability to become someone else, but it also allows you to craft powerful critiques that wouldn’t be otherwise possible.

And there is an incredible historical precedent to support this.

• Ayn Rand is not a real name — it’s a pseudonym that was adopted because her real name is too complicated for American readers.
• Dr. Suess is also not a real name (God I hope people knew that) — it’s a pseudonym created due to a college drinking incident. He would go on to become one of the most popular kids' writers of all time.
• Stan Lee is also not a real name — Well, he created Marvel Comics and we all saw how that went.
• Mark Twain, Voltaire, Toni Morrison, and Lemony Snicket are — you guessed it — not real names, but pen names for their careers as writers. For various reasons, they all chose a pen name that was more favorable. Their work also influenced history in one form or another.
• Taken one step further, the made-up names of social media influencers, YouTubers, and music artists are all a form of a pen name. Using a made-up name sounds way cooler than most of our average sounding names.

Source: Electric Literature (more sources at bottom of page)

Conclusion

In the world of sexual writing and blogging, pen names serve an important purpose. It’s more than just creating a sexy alter ego — it’s oft necessary insurance of safety from discrimination and judgment.

Personally, I don’t think it makes you a pussy for hiding behind a pseudonym. In fact, as long as you’re speaking your truth, I think it shouldn’t matter really.

So, to answer my earlier question… “What is in a name?”

A human being. And that’s enough.

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Dedicated to fellow writing peer, Holly Bradshaw.

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Dayon Cotton is Active Duty US Navy and Freelance Writer. I write dope articles about social issues, life lessons, and advice on how to live a better life. Stay safe out there!