Why Secret Affairs Eventually End
Sharing misery and excitement with a stranger rarely works out
No one wants to live a lie, and yet it’s shocking how many are living one.
People don’t cheat because they are cheaters. They cheat because they are people. Up to 40% of married couples are impacted by infidelity, yet we all condemn cheating to some extent. However, as outraged and against adultery one might be, the reality is that many people cheat.
But why do people cheat on their partners, knowing that secret affairs will change everything? Maybe not in their primary relationship, but definitively for themselves. Sharing intimate moments with someone outside of the relationship is a wake-up call. And given that most affairs only last 6 to 24 months, does it even make sense to have one?
It’s not all about sex; it’s more about closeness.
Men seek closeness through sex; women need closeness for sex. For some, therefore, the lack of closeness and bonding within their relationship is sought elsewhere. Therefore, the distance between partners is an indicator of the need for closeness with others.
One finds comfort in the arms of a stranger who seems to understand what is going on. But, fueled by excitement and a mixture of shared misery, these affairs usually don’t last. Why? Because these feelings fade quite quickly. Furthermore, these affairs are an eye-opener, an outlet for tension and disappointment caused by the primary relationship.
It’s a desperate cry for love and affection. An affair can be a wake-up call of sorts, forcing someone to reflect on past life choices. Who am I as an individual, and what do I want from my partner? Are there possibilities to change within the marriage or relationship?
People have shorter or longer affairs depending on the conclusion, thoughts, and perspectives derived from self-reflection and reflection on the current relationship. Therefore, why people cheat impacts how long the affair lasts and how fulfilling the sex is.
People cheat because they can. However, cheating itself is rarely as cut-and-dry as we believe it to be.
Consider this: You’ve recently relocated to take on a new job. At the same time, your partner still resides in your hometown thousands of miles away. You feel isolated and at the same time excited because you’ve met great new people, including a good-looking coworker you vibe with. Unfortunately, your partner can’t relate to your new lifestyle. Furthermore, the last phone calls haven’t been very loving, which in return has impacted your self-esteem quite a bit. You don’t feel appreciated and valued anymore by your partner, and your coworker asks you out on a date at an office party.
Would you go out with him and maybe start something new?
Depending on the situation and circumstances, you might. However, while the situation, circumstance, and reason might matter to the person cheating, I believe that only rarely does this help for the person being cheated on. Why? Because I believe the pain and impact of the affair are very hurtful and profound nonetheless. It’s a fact that there are reasons which are much more difficult to master as a couple than others.
Affairs are a way of seeking love that never lasts.
In a study, 495 people (87.9 percent of whom identified as heterosexual) were asked why they cheated. It concluded eight key reasons for cheating: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance.
Ultimately, whether the primary relationship lasted or not depended less on cheating itself and more on what motivated cheating. Was it a misstep or an affair lasting for years? What impact did the affair have on the relationship? These questions decide whether and how relationships regained strength or crumbled. Therefore, a relationship was more likely to end when a partner cheated because of a lack of love, low commitment, or retaliation.
What about finding lasting love in the arms of the affair? That is actually quite rare. The therapist Shelly Glass and relationship researcher John Gottman have found that only a fraction of affairs turns into new relationships. 75 percent of all affairs-related marriages end in divorce.
Anything is conceivable when it comes to love and relationships; it’s simply not all equally likely.
However, mutual forgiveness and a deep commitment to the partnership are essential for overcoming infidelity. And, on sometimes, it’s preferable to go our separate ways rather than to make the shared road excessively rough. In the end, we want to be loved and cherished.
Therefore, leaving can make both partners happier because both get the chance to be happy with someone else.
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