Reasons Why People Cheat Don’t Mean Anything
If everybody does it, is it human nature?
It’s shocking how many cheat on their partner despite believing that it’s wrong. Furthermore, up to 40% of couples have been impacted by infidelity during their relationship. Therefore, it makes sense to ponder why people cheat on their partners. And, are there situations that facilitate cheating?
Some studies suggest there are reasons why people cheat. For example, someone might not feel loved in their relationship and seek closeness, appreciation, and deeper connections outside of the relationship. Others might have a wandering eye and love the excitement of meeting new people to have sex with. However, all these situations and possible explanations lead to one conclusion only.
People cheat because they can.
Consider my friend Alicia’s story. She fell madly in love with David — she knew that she wanted to marry him. After dating for more than three years, and by coincidence, she stumbled across different chats David had been having with different women — all of them widely sexual. The man she once wanted to marry suddenly turned into an adulterer, someone she felt like she didn’t know anymore.
Cheating in a monogamous relationship is selfish.
This inevitably raises whether it even makes sense to search for motives and reasons for cheating. I outlined a study that tried to uncover why and how long people cheated on their partners in an article. The study’s authors found eight major causes for infidelity: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance. Depending on how these motives appeared in the reasons for cheating given by the 495 participants (87.9% of whom were heterosexual), psychologists concluded not only why people cheated but how long the affair lasted.
For instance, people who resented their partner and experienced a lack of love were more likely to have lengthier affairs, even going out on public dates. On the contrary, situational hook-ups rooted in feelings such as stress was were short-lived, and sex was viewed as less pleasurable. Meaning, people have reasons for cheating. Depending on their motives, affairs were shorter or longer, influenced sexual pleasure, emotional in the affair, and whether or not their activities ended in the termination of their primary relationship.
However, just because people offer reasons for their infidelity, the question remains why these are even relevant. In all honesty, if you’ve been cheated on, does it matter to you why?
An example: Someone is in a loving relationship that turns into a long-distance relationship because of a new job. Moving to a new city, apartment, starting a new job, and getting to meet new people comes with a lot of stress and excitement. Suddenly, a fling with the hot co-worker doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Meaning that the various factors described may lead to an affair. This person starts to cheat because they can. However, all this is not an excuse or less painful for the faithful partner at home. An explanation is not a justification.
If everybody’s doing it, it’s just human nature.
Just because you can doesn’t make it right. When many studies on human behavior are made, there is a danger of normalizing certain behaviors by explanation. Meaning that somehow, since it occurs so often, it must be part of the human condition.
By trying to figure out why people cheat, outlining situations and circumstances that lead to infidelity, and explaining transgressions, cheating seems like something “normal.” However, this is far too short-sighted and neglects how devastating deception is for those affected. It doesn’t matter why and how often someone cheats. At the end of the day, the consequences of cheating on a partner are grave. Meaning, it doesn’t matter that a lot of people cheat. It doesn’t make it right, nor does it minimize the possibility of wrecking a relationship. Cheating in a monogamous relationship is selfish and dishonest.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it takes a high degree of internal discipline not to cheat. To me, staying faithful is fundamental to a monogamous relationship. It’s the premise for this type of relationship. Without it, the relationship doesn’t work anymore. Therefore, there is no room for cheating; everything else is dishonest and selfish. But, unfortunately, many people choose not to have that discipline when push comes to shove.
Maybe it’s because we’re too concerned with what we want rather than what we have. Maybe we fell in love with someone who will never be faithful to us like Alicia. Whatever the motives and reasons for cheating are, in the end, those rarely ever matter. The hurt remains, and trust erodes. Always.
Without trust, no relationship.
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