Love/Valentine’s Day

Why My Partner And I Have Become Anti-Valentine’s Day

A couple’s perspective.

My partner and I hate Valentine’s Day. Okay, hate is a strong word. Maybe I’ll go with we have a strong dislike for or we have a distinct aversion to it.

Mainly, we are both weary of the constant barrage of commercialism that flows into February every year prompting couples around the world to feel as though the love, care, and concern they’ve already given year-round still isn’t quite good enough. Well, at least that’s how my husband and I feel.

I think we should celebrate our partners every day, in little ways, and not necessarily just with gifts. By expressing appreciation when our partner is burnt out. By being kind to our partner even when we are grumpy. By making an extra cup of coffee for our partner even on a day we are rushing. These things are hard. Harder than people think. They take consideration, effort, and empathy.

I hate to be a buzzkill about Valentine’s Day as I know many out there enjoy it. That’s cool if you love it, sincerely.

But where does all this hoopla come from? Why does this day even exist in the Hallmark card aisle and overflow grocery stores with balloons, roses, and stuffed animals?

According to Brides.com, the holiday goes back to the third century, the period 200 to 300 AD when the Roman Empire ruled the world. During this time, two saints named Valentine performed heroic acts that made them martyrs within the Christian religion. They were both beheaded by the Romans, one for performing illegal marriages of young couples and the other for preaching Christianity before it was legal. The name “Valentine’s Day” probably comes from one or both.

Sound barbaric? It’s certainly not easy to try and sync the Valentine's Day we know now with this historic description.

Per Allen Carden, professor of history at Fresno Pacific University in California, the date February 14 derives from a Roman holiday held on that day every year to honor Juno, the goddess of marriage. The celebration included a feast to celebrate health and fertility, both because spring was coming and the Romans wanted their plants to grow and also because of human fertility. “Legend has it that for the feast there was a drawing where young men drew the name of a young woman who they would escort to the festival,” says Carden.

Well, that sounds a bit more relatable and romantic. But — the evolution of Valentine’s Day was not yet done.

Once the Romans lost power and Christianity took over, February 14, now called Valentine’s Day, was celebrated. In the Middle Ages, people believed this was the date that birds chose their mates. They believed in England that if you met or dreamed about someone on this day, they could be your true love.

So, not quite at the commercialized circus level yet but the idea of Valentine’s Day being about finding true love does feel more familiar. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating someone you love.

In the 1600s, in England and other parts of Western Europe, the custom came of sending romantic messages to one’s beloved. In the late 1800s, businesses started printing and selling pre-written Valentine’s messages. Around that time, people started giving candy and flowers to loved ones or going on romantic getaways with their partners.

Escorting someone to a festival or getting a sweet note printed would have been a nice place for Valentine’s Day traditions to end. Yet today, we have jewelry stores advertising diamond rings that cost thousands of dollars to give to that special Valentine as a token of your love and devotion. It seems to get a bit more absurd every year.

And that’s just it. My partner and I don’t believe in buying one another material things to prove we love one another. It’s the same with birthdays and even Christmas. If we can afford to get one another something — great. If not, we don’t feel insecure that we are not loved.

Perhaps Valentine’s Day is appropriate for newer couples or a perfect excuse to go out on a date and buy a gift. That’s all fine and well. But we haven’t stopped at turning Valentine’s Day into a commercial blitz that pressures couples to spend copious amounts of money. We now have National Couples Day, National Boyfriend Day, and National Girlfriend Day,

There may even be more I’m not aware of.

This is not to say that everyone succumbs to Valentine’s Day commercialism. Many couples don’t celebrate at all or at the most they go out for a casual dinner as a token activity — because they feel they have to do something.

As soon as that New Year clock turns every year, the store shelves seem to explode earlier and earlier with pink and red paraphernalia in preparation for February 14th.

It’s hard to ignore all the blatant and, frankly, gross advertising geared towards couples on Valentine’s Day to entice (or guilt) them to spend money on hotel rooms, gemstones, couple’s massages, or extravagant trips.

And that’s where it gets icky. I don’t want to feel obligated out of guilt or a feeling of inadequacy to buy something for my husband and he feels the same way. It’s not the same as a random romantic gesture. Whether it’s a sweet text after a hard day, the dishes getting done without me asking, or a surprise back massage just for the hell of it, that’s the real romance. Not planned. Not manufactured.

I don’t want my love life to be dictated by stores or corporations. It’s not sexy. Pressure and guilt are never attractive.

So perhaps that’s my lesson learned from despising all the Valentine’s Day shenanigans. Maybe I DO want to be romanced — just not in a premeditated, commercialized way that requires us to be out at a restaurant on the same day as every other couple in the world.

I get the idea of collectively celebrating with other couples around the world on the same day. It’s a neat concept, for sure — mainly if you are part of a couple. I won’t even get into what a drag Valentine’s Day can be for singles. Mind you, plenty of singles are now creating their solo Valentine’s Day traditions or celebrating with their single friends.

There are even horror movies now about love gone wrong or nightmarish-obsessed stalker scenarios that have been popular premiers on February 14th. Perhaps the pendulum is swinging back to Valentine’s Day's violent origins.

The bottom line is, whether you want to make Valentine’s Day about yourself, your partner, your family, or your friends, I hope you don’t feel coerced or guilted into doing things or spending money you don’t have.

As the Beatles famously sang,

“…I’ll give you all I’ve got to give If you say you love me too I may not have a lot to give But what I’ve got I’ll give to you I don’t care too much for money Money can’t buy me love…

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? Let me know in the comments! ;)

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