Relationships/Sex
Getting Married Won’t Kill Your Sex Life — But I Can Tell You What Will
Here are the real culprits.
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, as the saying goes.
This expression could not be more accurate — especially when we’re talking about the sex lives of couples who are married versus the sex lives of couples who aren’t married.
Argue if you like, but I would say that the perception people have of the sex lives of couples who are dating and/or in a relationship is vastly different than their perception of what happens in a married couple’s bedroom.
Generally speaking, I think many of us are somehow programmed to think that couples who aren’t married have a much more invigorating or adventurous sex life than those who are married.
Perhaps it has something to do with the idea that getting married essentially kills all the sexual spice in a relationship. That the courting is now over and there’s nothing more that needs to be done to keep your partner.
Not so, and definitively presumptuous indeed.
The institution of marriage itself doesn’t necessarily impact a couple’s sex life or their desire to keep the sexual chemistry alive.
You could be in a long-term relationship, never get married, and still have a dull sex life enter into your bedroom. You could also be in a long-term relationship and have an incredible sex life. The same goes for being married. Just because you marry someone it doesn’t automatically disqualify you from having an active, fulfilling sex life.
Per Psychology Today, people tend to report having more passionate sex in hookups, or at the start of long-term relationships, than after many years together. Couples that have been together for many years, on the other hand, report that their sex may be less passionate, even if they don’t believe it’s a serious problem.
Additionally, a review of 64 large-scale studies of sex in long-term relationships found that among the factors most closely tied to maintaining sexual desire long-term are an understanding that partners may be more or less interested in sex at different times; feeling autonomy or being able to see yourself and your partner as independent people with separate concerns, as well as being open to growth and novelty in one’s sex life.
The moment you say your marriage vows your sexual libido doesn’t just get up and walk away — or does it?
Perhaps some people do have a significant mental block when it comes to mixing the concept of marriage and an active sex life.
It’s the ideas many of us have in our heads about sex and marriage that are generally created by our upbringing, media, or our peers. These ideas and opinions are ingrained into us as children and young adults.
Growing up, you may have heard jokes on TV sitcoms or late-night talk shows referring to sex being non-existent in a marriage — which adults may seem to acknowledge by their laughter so it’s understandable why many of us might have been influenced by that kind of culture.
Additionally, some people still have a notion in their heads from the way they were raised or through their religious beliefs that having a lively, exploratory sex life and the institution of marriage simply do not mix.
There are plenty of people who feel that ‘taboo’ or ‘kinky’ sex does not have a place in the marriage bed.
As far as frequency of sex goes, per WebMD, there’s no standard scale to determine how often you should have sex in your marriage. Having sex at least once a week is ideal to keep the marriage intact. But having sex less than ten times a year is enough reason to qualify a marriage as a sexless one. Over time, it may lead to divorce due to dissatisfaction
Marriage has become an institution that older generations used to idolize and aspire to, while many members of modern generations have rejected marriage completely as an important relationship or life goal.
Getting married certainly doesn’t guarantee happiness within any relationship — yet many people still aim to reach that marriage target for various reasons. Other people spend their whole lives railing against the idea of marrying anyone because they think it’s a silly and outdated institution.
To each their own.
If anything is going to affect the virility of a couple’s sex life — it certainly isn’t only the act of getting married. The culprits are generally the people involved in the relationship.
Whatever emotional, mental, physical, and sexual baggage a person carries into their relationship with someone else, that ultimately affects their sex life — both the quantity and the quality of it.
As generations evolve and ideas about how we used to do things including romantic relationships change, it’s not hard to imagine a world where the idea of marriage doesn’t always mean the death of sex.
Whether a couple chooses to get married or not — their sexual destiny together is entirely up to the two of them.
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