Relationships/Behavior
How Couples Fight Reveals Meaningful Relationship Behavior
Sometimes words aren’t needed at all.
Being in a long-term relationship or marriage revolves around all kinds of forms of communication.
How we talk, the tone of voice we use, and — significantly — how we fight within a relationship are all indicators of our relationship temperaments.
(Some couples have very loud, public screaming matches or engage in dangerous, abusive behavior when they argue. That behavior isn’t healthy in a relationship. I’m not writing about that particular behavior in this article.)
What I am writing about is how healthy, functional, long-term couples solve disagreements in a sane and productive way — quite often without anyone ever noticing.
In most seasoned partnerships, there usually isn’t a succession of big, dramatic arguments in the middle of a thundering rainstorm as we see in the movies. That kind of thing can be reserved for the more passionate dating/beginning-of-relationship phase.
When long-time couples are not vibing with each other, quite often, the people around them are completely oblivious. Signs of discourse could be a flutter of sarcastic jabs back and forth to let each other know they are annoyed. Discontentment between a couple can also express itself as a large amount of silence between a couple that gives away their displeasure with each other.
Additionally, relationship displeasure can be displayed with body language if not words. Crossed arms. Physical Separation. Turning away. Rejecting affection.
Then there are the “looks”. The eyes have so much power. Glances can express a plethora of emotions within a relationship. It could be a look across a dinner table that expresses, “Why did you say that?” or, “I’m so over you right now.” Sometimes words aren’t needed at all.
When you’ve been with someone for years, you know what makes them angry and where their vulnerable spots are.
Sometimes a fight could be a quick exchange of sharp words followed by silence. Maybe one of you simply leaves the room. It’s not always about through-the-roof yelling and screaming.
There can be a lot of frustrating silences in a marriage or long-term relationship because over time and with experience each partner knows that getting into a huge fight can be a complete waste of time and energy. Most of the time long-term partners already know exactly what the other is going to say in retort to their grievance — so why even go down that road?
At the end of the day, most functional couples know they’re in it for the long haul so they opt to skip the dramatics and choose a cool-down period instead.
Oftentimes, a fight could just mean a night on the couch because you want some alone time and your partner is irritating you in some way. Maybe you just want to watch something on TV that you like for a change.
Generally speaking, a fight may not have anything to do with your partner and is more about the need for personal space.
And therein lies the key to fighting when you’re sharing a life.
It’s rarely about the amount of love in the relationship. It’s frequently about external influences. Kids, money, jobs, decisions, chores — all the things that bind you both together and also make life as a functioning couple extremely challenging.
Fighting is normal. When I meet a couple who says they never argue — I find it suspicious. There are going to be at least some disputes that come up over the course of a relationship.
Occasionally, having a huge fight where yelling is involved can bring up repressed issues and even relieve tension. A big fight every once in a while can be healthy and lead to productive resolutions. The important thing to remember is that while losing our temper is human — learning to manage anger and communicate clearly in a relationship is vital.
As you move along in life with your partner you should be able to learn how to fight better. By this, I mean you can learn how to express your needs without a bad attitude, the use of name-calling, or habitual silent treatments.
It takes time and effort to learn how to engage with a partner about your frustrations without losing your mind — even behind closed doors.