Relationships/Sex
Coming To Terms With My Sexual Sobriety
Self-medicating during sex is a real and common thing for many people.
Over the last decade, I’ve surrendered to some humbling realizations.
I am now living a settled life with a beautiful family I helped create. However, before this time in my life, certain issues took years for me to work through.
One of these issues for me was sex. Sober sex that is — or rather a lack of it.
I’m not sure I realized how long it had been since I had engaged in sex with someone while completely sober until the moment I was about to do it.
It was with my current husband while we were dating. It wasn’t something I thought about until it hit me like a bucket of ice-cold water. I was about to have sex without any mental lubricant for the first time in a very long time.
By mental lubricant, I’m talking about those things we do sometimes to ease ourselves into intimate sexual moments. Maybe a couple of glasses of wine, a shot of liquor, or perhaps something else depending on the person.
No big deal, right?
Perhaps. However, if you find yourself doing these things every time you have intimate relations with another person — it is potentially a big deal. It can be a sign of a very serious problem.
Self-medicating during sex is a real and common thing for many people.
For a time, self-medicating was my go-to aphrodisiac for sex. The reason for this type of behavior can be as simple as wanting to lower inhibitions, but the reason could also be more serious such as mentally escaping from past sexual trauma.
Whatever the reasons are, it’s pretty safe to say that if you’ve never had sex completely sober, you may have some issues to work out.
I came to this conclusion when I finally took a good, long look at how I had been self-medicating myself within my sexual relationships.
Consequently, when I entered my next serious relationship with someone, I dove in cold turkey.
When the relationship started progressing sexually without us consuming even one drink, I freaked out in my head. I didn’t think I could do it. I secretly wondered if I’d even reach orgasm this way.
Nevertheless, off into the sober sex realm, I went.
And so??
Well, it was different. I was more aware of what was going on. I was also a little more insecure about my body at first because I didn’t have that awkward edge taken off by being intoxicated.
When you’re intoxicated, sex is a bit blurry and feels more uninhibited. When you’re sober, it’s hesitant, alive, and raw. It definitely takes some getting used to.
In the end, I was surprised. The sex was good. After about 10 minutes or so, I could feel every part of me which was something I thought I didn’t want.
I thought I needed to get out of my head to have amazing sex. Turns out — not so much. Sober sex ended up being quite refreshing. I was more alert and more energetic in bed.
Who knew?
For years I had thought that being intoxicated was helping my sex life when in fact, it was probably dulling it to an extent. The connection between myself and whoever I was with at the time was certainly impeded.
My biggest lesson was learning to confront my fear of intimacy. Escaping during sex using alcohol or drugs was a way for me to disconnect. I had to learn to face my fears.
Having sober sex can be frightening for someone who has used sex combined with alcohol or drugs to escape from intimacy, sexual trauma, or inhibitions.
I believe there are many people out there who get purposefully inebriated regularly before sex. I also believe each one of those people has a reason for it.
Eventually, I had to ask myself — what is the point of being intimate with someone if I was going to mentally check out?
Being drunk or high during sex is fun once in a while — but not all the time.
Disconnecting from your partner by being intoxicated consistently is just selling yourself and your partner short.
What do you think? Have you had a similar experience? Let me know in the comments.
Are you struggling with substance abuse or mental health issues? Get help here.
