RELATIONSHIP ｜LANGUAGE

Why It’s Hard to Tell What Japanese Women Think on Dates

The answer is in harmful how-to articles in fashion magazines

Have you ever felt like there are extra barriers when communicating with Japanese people, aside from the language itself?

If you have found it difficult to understand people in Japan, especially Japanese women, this article is for you.

It usually takes time for Japanese people to express their true feelings, and being aware of that will help you redirect your conversation and nurture a long-lasting relationship with your Japanese partner.

Case Study: A Disastrous Date in Tokyo

Imagine you arrive 10 minutes late at the cafe, keeping your Japanese girlfriend waiting on your first date. The woman doesn’t seem to mind. You introduce yourself, talk about your hobbies, and ask about her. She doesn’t talk a lot, and you assume she’s a quiet person. Since she’s a great listener, you keep talking about yourself and feel comfortable.

At the end of the day, she agrees to meet you again. But when you message her the next day, she never replies. She ghosted you. Why!? There were no red flags!

Now, let’s rewind this story and replay it from the woman’s view.

You’re a punctual person and arrive at the cafe 10 minutes early. 5 minutes past the appointed time. No messages. Another five minutes later, he finally shows up and he’s unapologetic. How rude.

Then, you find he’s chatty like a talk show host and he’s into Japanese idols. Ouch. You decide you’re not gonna meet him again, but you want to pass this date peacefully. You keep nodding and making fake laughter here and there. He doesn’t notice you’re bored. What a happy guy.

You feel relieved when the date is finally over. Now all you have to do is leave his message unread. You feel sorry, but he’ll figure it out. It just didn’t work out.

There are myriad reasons for disastrous dates, and it’s often no one’s fault. But one theory worth noting is that Japanese people—especially women—are taught to be extremely polite during dates.

Even if you think your first date has been successful, you can’t tell whether she liked you or not until she shows up on the next date. She might get sick, or have a sudden business trip just before the second date for some reason.

What Date Experts Instill in Japanese Women

You might have heard of honne (one’s true feelings) and tatemae (public statements)—one of the typical contradictory ways of Japanese communication. And when it comes to the dating world, there are many dos and don'ts that drive those tatemae to the next level.

For instance, I recently came across a how-to article written for Japanese women in their late 20's and 30's. The title was: Men Chase After Women Who Show 60% Gaps.

What is this gap? The original word, 隙 (suki, meaning gap or weak spot) is tricky to translate. In this context, it implies an emotional space that allows men to ask out, talk more, mansplain, and imagine the possibility of getting laid.

In short, the article was advocating that if young women wanted to be asked out on dates, they should be ‘60% friendly and stupid’. It’s hard to accept, but one of the female experts wrote based on her matchmaking expertise that women on dates should pay attention to the “three S’s”: smile, service, and sexiness.

Following the three S’s rule, women are expected to smile a lot, pour drinks for men, and touch their date’s body occasionally. The same article also instructed readers not to make a checklist of lofty Mr. Right qualities in their matching app profile.

According to the magazine, women who share their silly mistakes are more successful than those who discuss the global economy and social issues while dating in Japan.

This isn’t one extreme example. When I published my previous article about mansplaining, I received many comments on social media.

One feedback that opened my eyes was that complimentary words such as sugoi (awesome) and sōnanda (is that so?) are survival tools for Japanese women. When they wish to end unsuccessful dates peacefully, those harmless phrases help them. So if your girlfriend overuses these words, you may want to make sure that your date is having fun.

How to Carry a Conversation with a Japanese Woman

How can you allow your date to be relaxed and open up about their honest feelings? Although there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, the following phrases may work.

• Enryo shinai-de. (Don’t hold back / Don’t hesitate.)
• Nandemo hanashite. (Feel free to talk about anything you want.)
• Kininaru koto ga attara itte ne. (Please tell me if anything bothers you.)
• Naoshite hoshī koto ga attara itte ne. (Please tell me if there’s anything you want me to change.)

It may take some time before your partner will share her honest opinions, but everyone wants to be heard from time to time. Even if your Japanese girlfriend is a great listener, that doesn’t mean you don’t need to listen, too.

The Takeaway

“Women should be modest” is indeed an outdated concept even in Japan. However, so many things from parents’ nagging to advertising continues to instill it in Japanese women. In particular, dating experts tell women that friendliness and a soft communication style are the keys to successful dates and eventual marriage.

I wouldn’t deny that entirely. We sometimes need to laugh things off to move on. But it’s better to know that Japanese women are often overly patient. We’re good at stifling our feelings and enduring our partners’ unacceptable behavior as much as we can. Until the last straw comes when we quietly leave for good without a word.

Next time if your girlfriend says “that annoys me,” you should consider yourself lucky. As long as she tells you her honne, it means she hasn’t given up on you. You might be the only one she’s opening up to with her raw emotions.

It’s time to leave aside the gushing compliments and enjoy deeper communication with a Japanese partner.

Reference: 美人百花 2022年11月号

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