Why Is No One Talking About Chris Rock’s “Joke?”
The unspoken and tragic part of this story
If you’ve read my work here, you know day after day I write to
- Increase awareness and education of narcissistic abuse
- Help abuse victims heal
- Advocate systems-level change for the victims
I take a stand for the victims, take a stand for the truth, and today is no different.
Let me preface this by saying I am not surmising or stating that ANY of the involved parties are narcissists.
I also do not accept or condone physical violence.
I am, however, calling attention to toxic behavior and toxic systems to shine a light on a pattern that needs to come out of darkness into the light.
Stating what has to date been unsaid or misunderstood
- There were three parties involved Sunday night.
- Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are two distinct people.
- Hollywood actors/actresses are human.
- Verbal abuse is still abuse.
- It’s not just a joke.
- This story is a great example of deflection.
There were three involved parties Sunday night
Jada Pinkett-Smith, Chris Rock, and Will Smith were all involved in the situation that quickly got out of hand at the Oscars Sunday night.
Jada was a victim. Chris was both a perpetrator and a victim of the abuse that ensued. Will was a perpetrator of physical violence.
Somehow, this is now viewed as a situation between Chris and Will. That viewpoint represents a very limited worldview, yet it’s indicative of a pervasive pattern in society.
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are two distinct people
Yes, they’ve been married a long time, but they are not a single unit.
If someone were to step on my foot, would they apologize to my husband?
Will and Jada are two distinct people with unique fears, insecurities, triggers, loves, hopes, and dreams.
Seeing them as one discounts Jada as an independent human being. This is a form of dehumanization. It happens so commonly that it seems normal, but it is not.
Jada is an individual with pain, fear, hopes, and dreams.
Hollywood actors/actresses are human
Being in the public eye does not eliminate a human’s fears or pain points.
They still have moments when they…
- Fear they are not good enough
- Fear they are too much
- Fear ridicule
- Fear being invisible
- Feel embarrassed or ashamed
- Feel hurt
- Feel angry
Yes, they are frequently the butt of jokes, but just because they’re “used to it” doesn’t make it okay.
Daniel Radcliffe expressed this poignantly on Good Morning Britain when he said, “You’re never quite sure if the joke’s with you or you’re the butt of the joke. So, you sort of have a mode of just being like ‘I’ll just keep smiling and laughing and maybe it’ll end soon.’”
Being held to a higher standard than human is, in itself, dehumanizing.
Verbal abuse is still abuse
The use of the word abuse is provocative, triggering even, for some. That doesn’t make it less accurate.
Verbal abuse includes the use of words to belittle, demean, humiliate, or denigrate another when those words negatively impact that person’s emotional and psychological health.
Verbal abuse may be as damaging to one’s psychological and mental health as physical or other types of abuse.
Is there any question this happened here?
- Would it be funny if she were a 7-year-old girl who lost her hair from chemo?
- Would it be funny if she were an 18-year-old girl who lost her hair when her scalp was burned and scarred in a fire?
- Would it be funny if she were a 50-year-old woman who lost her hair from an autoimmune condition called alopecia?
Oh wait.
But it was just a joke, some claim
Did you see her face? Do you think she didn’t feel pain? Did she look like she found it funny?
Too often victims are told…
- You’re too sensitive.
- Can’t you take a tease?
- I was just joking.
These are statements made by abusers to gaslight and control their victim, to avoid taking responsibility for their devaluation. The passive-aggressive putdown is a common form of devaluation.
Chris may have made the joke purely in poor taste without an intent to control or to harm. If that were true, an apology is appropriate.
If I step on your foot — even accidentally, I apologize.
The lack of apology is disturbing. More disturbing, however, is that “It was just a joke,” is being used as a justification in many of the discussions surrounding this situation.
If it were just a joke, it would have ended there and this wouldn’t be a story.
This is a great example of deflection
So, let me get this straight.
Chris Rock verbally abused Jada Pinkett-Smith in front of her peers on a special night while millions of people watched live, and millions more watched the clip again and again.
Yet, in all the discussion that’s followed, he’s the victim.
Did I miss his apology?
True, he was a victim of Will Smith’s unwarranted physical violence AND he was the perpetrator of harm to Jada.
One does not negate the other.
Where is his responsibility and accountability for his actions? Where is his compassion? Where is his remorse?
Deflection #1: Chris verbally abuses Jada, is struck by Will, and the story becomes about Chris and Will.
Deflection #2: Chris claims the show’s writers approved the jokes.
Even if this were true, how on Earth does that change a thing?
Chris said something inappropriate and hurtful. It was belittling, demeaning, and humiliating. The words came out of his mouth. There is no one else to blame here.
Accountability requires acknowledging, apologizing, and repairing the relationship where possible. Has that happened?
This story highlights many things wrong in society today
That’s good. It’s an opportunity to have a discussion, to shine the light, to create change.
The most troubling thing I see is the dehumanization of Jada.
She was the victim of Chris’ comment. Where is the outrage about her treatment? She’s not even part of the story anymore. Why?
Is it because she’s a woman? Is it because she’s a woman of color? Is it because, as a society, we shame and blame the victim? Is it because Will avenged her hurt?
Where is the apology to her?
And why has no one noticed she deserves one?
The second most troubling thing is the way verbal abuse under the guise of a “joke” is normalized by the masses.
When you wonder how a domestic violence victim could tolerate abuse for so long, this is why. Society normalizes the abuse, shames the victim, and teaches them to tolerate it.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Can a Covert Narcissist Take Responsibility and Be Held Accountable? and Are You Fed Up with People Blaming the Victim?
