Never Ever Again, Ever

Why I’ll never again read an article claiming such and such will never happen

Get it?

I don’t know if it’s just cheap clickbait, pointless hyperbole, or arrogant, unconsidered certitude, but I’m growing awfully tired of reading articles explaining how (Insert Subject Here) will never happen. Ever. Not in all the days of all the future of all of humanity. Never.

And why? Because some writer has pompously declared it.

Now, granted, this self-righteous, omniscient contempt seems mostly directed at hopeful, inspiring notions of future technological achievements and space exploits. Which in itself seems needlessly trollish and infantile.

I mean, really? How can a lowly fan of asteroid mining or O’Neill Cylinders be such an intolerable affront to all you hold dear?

But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

— W. B. Yeats

More to the point, is there any better way to guarantee that you’ll look foolish to future historians? Why purposely earn yourself that distinction? It’s like choosing to be a contestant for a Herman Cain Award.

How many people throughout the ages doubted the possibility of heavier-than-air flight? Well, here’s one:

Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant, if not utterly impossible.— Simon Newcomb, 1902

Incidentally, the Wright Brothers would prove him ridiculously wrong a mere year later.

Or how many generations of people for centuries could safely assert that we’d never know what’s on the “dark side” of the moon? Until we did.

Hell, some people won’t even believe in futuristic achievements even after they’ve been accomplished. Like this poor, dumb sap who so incensed moonwalker Buzz Aldrin with his lunacy that Aldrin punched him straight in the face (and was widely acclaimed for doing so):

I am not the story, the fake moon landings are the story.— Bart Sibrel

Thank the stars for the comments section, where I continually see such idiocy torn to shreds by humbler and wiser minds. (And go ahead. Dive right in. Do your thing. Lay into me about my foolishness and fanboydom. It’s free.)

The simple truth is that nobody knows what the future will bring. And in fact, that’s our greatest blessing. Just ask Cassandra.

I would even argue that not knowing the future is the only sense in which free will is anything but illusory. (I’ll save that discussion for another day.)

If someone reading this, or any of the folks writing these ridiculous never-ever articles has some magical, all-seeing crystal ball in their possession, then please, I’m begging you, send it my way when you’re finished with it. Because I’ll happily pull a Biff in Back to the Future Part II and play the stock market and quit my day job.

But I’m guessing no one out there has such a thing. I’m guessing, as I surmised in my opening paragraph, that it’s all just clickbait, hyperbole, or a mean-spirited naysayer complex aimed at slandering those who dare to hope and dream of a better future, those capable of imagining the world different than it is or was, and those who place their faith in boundless human potential.

And I find that sad.

So I’m done. Never again. Ever. Never again will I fall for such facile tricks. Ever.

Colby Hess is a freelance writer and photographer from Seattle, and author of the freethinker children’s book The Stranger of Wigglesworth.

If you enjoy my writing and would like to receive stories by email whenever I publish, please click here.