Why I’m Glad I’m Not Dating

We do not have typical polyamorous relationships

I love the heady feel of new relationship energy (NRE) as much as the next person, but for me, it’s no longer worth all the kissing of frogs that has to take place in order to find someone worth getting to enjoy that NRE with. My (non-poly) friend Anna told me about going out on a recent date and it prompted me to say to my husband, James, “This is why we have to stay together — because I do not have the patience to deal with this kind of BS at this point in my life.” We are involved with a couple of other people, but it’s not really dating in the usual sense of the word; not even in the usual polyamorous sense of the word. More about that in a minute.

Anna had met her date on-line and they’d chatted for several days before planning to grab a drink together. One of the first things he said to her when they met was, “Wow, your boobs are a lot bigger than they look in your pictures!” Really? Why do you think that’s an appropriate thing to say on a first date? She said he was otherwise nice enough but pretty bland, and didn’t ask her any questions about herself, other than the occasional “And what about you” in response to a few of her questions. After one drink, she was ready to go home. He walked her to her car and asked if he could have a kiss. When she said, “No” he leaned in and kissed her anyway. Anna said if he’d used his tongue she would have kicked him in the groin, but since it was just a peck, she walked away without another word and drove off. The next day he texted to faux apologize — “Sorry if I came off as aggressive, but I thought that you would at least give me a kiss.” Anna did not respond. Good for her!

Not every man is this entitled, crass, and clueless, but I don’t have time to meet the ones who are, and I’ve met plenty of them. The last time I tried to go on a date with someone new, about 6 months ago, I ended up canceling it just hours before we were supposed to meet because he too revealed himself to be entitled, crass, and clueless. We met because he’d read an erotic story of mine on Fetlife and he told me, “You should write about my fantasies.” Although I acknowledged that this was probably meant to be some kind of ham-handed flirtation, he got an earful from me about my stories being my self-expression. “I’m not in the world for your entertainment,” I told him and I thought that he heard me, but apparently not.

A couple of weeks and some better conversations later, we made a plan to get together. The afternoon of the date, things went south when he started giving me a list of what he wanted me to wear. “Put some more pink in your hair. I like that. And can you wear black lace? That really turns me on? You look kind of well, sweet in this picture. I was thinking a bit more……” The closer it got to the time to get ready for the date, the more I knew that there was no way I was going into that situation — no matter how sexy and built he was. When I tried to explain to him why I was canceling the date — tactfully, but clearly, he seemed completely confused. “You aren’t ordering a cake,” I finally said to him. “I’m a person.” He was still confused.

I don’t know if dating women is any better. I’ve certainly heard plenty of complaints about it from men. The only woman I’ve dated, and not just hooked up with, is Tamara, the escort that we are involved with. We’ve been seeing her for over 2 years and it’s always been fun and easy. Our relationship has developed from “client only” to seeing her for outside-the-bedroom, non-compensated dates as well. A few weeks ago we got to meet her mom and these days we text and chat fairly frequently. It’s no longer just a professional relationship, although to be honest, I don’t know exactly what to call it.

Here’s why I think it works so well, with both Tam and Lane, the male escort that we also sometimes play with. As professionals, their priority is to make sure that we are happy and having a good time. But unlike most clients, we are putting that same level of effort in with them. When we are together, everyone is having fun. “You are nothing like my typical clients,” Lane once told us. And they are nothing like the typical dates that we’ve been on in the past. Instead of looking to see what they can get, Tamara and Lane are looking to see what they can give. But since we are doing the same thing, everyone feels special, taken care of, admired, pleasured, and respected. It’s a win-win for everyone and every single time is an off-the-charts good time. Why would I give that up to go back to dating cake-orderers and frogs just hoping to find somebody mature and interesting?

If most regular dating situations were like the dates we have with Tamara and Lane, we wouldn’t have gone down the escort route in the first place, although I’m very glad that we did. It’s atypical, to say the least, but it’s worked out really well for us. No BS, no drama, no entitlement or crassness or cluelessness. We truly love Tamara at this point, and she loves us as well. “This is what I was telling you,” she said to Lane the first time we all got together. “We’ve got our own little polyamorous thing going on here. I just love them.”

As I said in my story about Dicks and Jane, “No roles or rules, no preconceived ideas — just pleasure, love, fun and a realness that some people never get the chance to taste even once.” We’ve got stressful and busy lives, with little time to spend on dates that aren’t any fun. With Tamara and Lane, we never have that problem. I’m not sure I could ever go back to regular dating again. At it’s best, it’s great, but how often is it great?

James and I have had some fun poly dating experiences, but in the end, they always turned sour. People started lying or otherwise acting in their own self-interest to my/our detriment. Not everyone is actually following poly principles and doing their own inner work to take responsibility for themselves. The only typical poly dating situation that has ever worked for me is with Nat, one of our first dates. We are still together after 4 years, despite the fact that we now live on the other side of the country from him. Nat and James were never physically intimate, but we spent some really fun times together and I am committed enough to Nat enough to consider him my partner for life, despite the distance.

We are polyamorous, but we only see other people together. I have another life-partner, but he lives far away, and I haven’t seen him in person in a long time. We don’t do typical dating and have no desire to start doing it again any time soon. We aren’t typical and we probably never will be — and that works just fine for me!