Why I Would Never Advise My Daughter to Date a Married Man

My reality shouldn’t be hers.

Some people think it’s difficult to date married men. They assume that if a single woman is dating a married man, she’s out to steal him from his wife.

The truth is, it’s not that deep for most women. Some women actually date married men without getting caught up in the emotional drama.

I recently had a chat with my daughter, as she is 18 now and preparing to be in the university by fall.

I thought it was time to have the mother-daughter chit-chat on who and why to date. What to expect and what not to give up for a relationship.

I didn’t have the opportunity to have such a conversation with my mum. In fact, I never got to learn about sex or self-love when I was growing up.

Our mothers adopted fear-induced grooming for the girl child. The only advice we got was to “never let a man touch you.” As if they are some evil creatures that will eat you once they do.

I don’t want to repeat the same broken system on my daughter. So we sat down and had a heart-to-heart over the subject of dating.

Should you date a married man

I have always been into dating older men. And most of these older men were happily married.

Whether it was because of an internalized misogyny that older men are wiser and more caring or due to bad experiences from dating younger men, I find it exciting and liberating to date unavailable men.

I’ve never had an issue where the man fell in love with me and contemplated leaving his wife for me. Not that such a situation wouldn’t have happened, I make sure it never does.

If I notice signs of clinging in my affairs or they start getting too close for comfort, I disconnect and cut all ties.

The longest relationship I’ve had with a married man was seven months. It was more of a long-distance affair. He was a marine engineer and would spend six months offshore every year. I ended it because he was becoming too demanding. Expecting me to account for my whereabouts at any minute.

Some women would have mistaken such gesture as love, but I saw it as a nuisance. I date married men for two reasons: connection and sex. Anything outside that is a distraction, which is why I have managed to stay emotionally unattached in all my affairs.

I know some women cannot control their emotions as well as men. They get entangled in all the dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins combustion and begin to confuse reality with their imagination.

These women end up falling in love with men they know are already taken. And sometimes, they get heartbroken when the man doesn’t share the same sentiment.

I don’t advise my daughter to follow in my footsteps

My daughter is still young and untested. She will eventually have a boyfriend someday, but one thing I would not encourage her to do is accept dates from married men.

It requires a lot of self-discipline to have a healthy relationship with a married man.

At such a young age, she can easily get trapped into believing the married man means well. While in reality, he’s only using her to get his emotional needs met.

Her heart is destined to be broken because he won’t leave his wife for her. This is because some married men do respect their wives. Maybe she stood by him when he was nothing, and also because they have children together.

I told my daughter when she’s much older, after she has lived through life’s experiences, she can decide which relationship works best for her.

However, age doesn’t make a difference with karma. We reap what we sow. So if she ever decides to get involved with a married man, she must be prepared to reap the same.

My advice to women crushing on married men

Dating a married man can be complicated if you don’t know your expectations of a man.

Sometimes married men are interested in finding someone for fun only. They enjoy the privilege of being married and that of being a bachelor.

Sometimes they are not happy in their married life, or maybe they are going through a midlife crisis.

The mixed feelings and tension in the relationships can sometimes turn catastrophic, which may have adverse consequences for you.

If you ever get involved with a married man, don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Don’t be the home wrecker the “other women” are known for.

No matter how dissatisfied a married man is in his marriage, he will most often choose his wife over you for good reasons.

Mostly because divorce is expensive, painful, and time-consuming.

Also, breaking up with his wife will mean losing face with friends and family. And the thought of having another man take his role as a father to his children will hurt his ego.

Even if he ends up leaving his wife for you without resolving his issues with his wife, he will eventually express the same dissatisfaction he had with his wife when you go deep into the trenches of children, bad temper, health problems, dirty dishes, recycled jokes, and financial burdens.

But if a married man shows he’s willing to leave his wife for you and compromise, then that’s a different ball game.

If he really wants to be with you and if all the romantic stories about being with you are real, tell him to prove his feelings.

Until he shows you the divorce filing and court proceeding schedule or a separation agreement, don’t ever believe he is in the relationship for the long haul.

Parting words

The ultimate goal in life is to be happy. While some women dating married men may find happiness eventually, most of these relationships end up leaving you feeling lonely, used, and neglected.

So make sure you know what you’re aiming for and if the sacrifices you will make are worth it before accepting a fling with a married man.

Check out more of my relationship stories. You may consider subscribing for $5/month you get unlimited access to more stories like this.