Why I Would Choose Non-Monogamy Over a Divorce

Monogamy may be doing more harm than good.

I grew up believing marriage was a sacred bond between a man and woman. A bond that connects two separate individuals to become one. More than a physical union, it is also a spiritual and emotional union. Its purity unifies the couple on the night of consummation.

A bond so strong that it gives the couple courage to defeat temptation by engaging in deep, satisfying love — a love that gives to, and receives from, our mate physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Marriage is pure and selfless.

That is the marriage I believe in. Maybe not the purity. But a marriage that stands the test of time. A marriage where each partner is respected, honored, and worshipped. A union where true love, trust, and loyalty strive. But does this marriage still exist?

I don’t think so!

Over the decades, marriage has changed its significance. Today, marriage has shifted from two individuals of the opposite sex to that of two individuals of the same sex.

Relationships have changed from courtships to dating — “free love or sex without commitment.” We explore different types of open relationships to meet our individual sexual differences.

The overall marriage rate is declining at a more rapid pace than it was since 1970, with the U.S. being the lowest amongst women. The women’s liberation movement has paved the way for women to be independent. In other words, marriage became no longer necessary for women — economically speaking.

With the rise in the divorce rate, 76% of new cases were filed by women, compared with 60% a year ago. Their reason was mainly attributed to fear of divorce and commitment.

As a result, the gap between married and single people has narrowed. Back in the 1950s, married couples outnumbered singles by 37.1 million, but after the last census in 2015, that number shrunk to 12.1 million.

At this rate, some say in 30 years from now that marriage will be virtually extinct. I look back fondly on courtship, generations ago, with romantic ideas of greater morality and better values, and I wonder how we can save most marriages from divorce.

Concept of non-monogamy.

There are two forms of non-monogamy — the nonconsensual form, also known as cheating, and the consensual form, known as consensual or ethical non-monogamy. This latter has gained popularity in recent years.

While some still frown at the idea of sharing their partner with someone else, others swear by it that it has kept them whole in their marriage. With non-monogamy, you have one primary relationship — your spouse and then one or more secondary partners — unlike polyamory, where you are involved in multiple couplings of the same intensity.

Let’s think about this for a second. One of the reasons people cheat (nonconsensual non-monogamy) is because they can’t have all their desires — sexual or otherwise — in one person. I remember when I cheated for the first time, I didn’t do it because my partner wasn’t great.

On the contrary, he was a complete package, but still, I needed to explore certain sides of my sexuality.

But after a couple of heartbreaks, I adopted open relationships. If I don’t commit, I don’t expect, and I don’t get heartbroken.

We’re told that men are naturally promiscuous. They want to spread their seed, and they want to basically have sex with anything underneath pants. Women are also adopting this practice. The more empowered women become, the more you will see women saying they are done with monogamy.

The main reason people are considering having feelings for others, or sleeping with one or more partners, is betrayal. And the reason most marriages are broken.

Divorce isn’t always the best solution to a broken marriage. If your marriage is on the verge of falling apart, continue reading to learn how a non-monogamous relationship can help save yours.

Non-monogamy is not for everyone.

Just like everything else, non-monogamous relationships can be good as well as bad. This is why you should communicate with your spouse first before embarking on this kind of lifestyle.

Human connection is human connection, and whether you are in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, everyone has the potential to experience challenge, conflict, joy, pain, and every other emotion under the sun.

It is common for people to experience a variety of positive and negative emotions in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, including jealousy, insecurity, fear, worry, doubt, excitement, increased libido, a deeper connection to the ‘original’ partner, autonomy, freedom, conscious limits, conscious communication, abundant gratitude, and compassion.

A recent study claims that people in open relationships are usually happier and healthier than those in monogamous relationships. Also, they have more satisfying sex drives than their counterparts.

But before you go testing the waters, here are some factors you should know:

Honesty is crucial.

Honesty and transparency are the bedrock of ethical non-monogamy. The core ingredient of an affair is its secrecy. In open relationships, partners are open in their sexual activity with others and supportive of it.

I typically recommend using frequent and sometimes scheduled check-ins as a way to put aside time to discuss feelings about the relationship, any hang-ups or issues that need adjusting, and how each person is feeling on an authentic and honest level.

Set emotional boundaries.

Being clear about your boundaries, limits, and expectations is crucial when working to facilitate a healthy and sustainable relationship. People in ethically non-monogamous relationships must become comfortable with talking openly about their feelings, needs, and desires, as well as being attentive to other people’s needs.

Practice safe sex.

When you transition from your relationship from exclusive to open, you may be very excited to start your new ventures, but don’t let all those safe sex practices go out the window.

Talk to your partner about what makes you comfortable and how you will practice safe sex in real life.

Online apps and matchmaking websites have made it easier for people to entertain multiple sex partners. It’s never been easier to play the field unattached, but with defined emotional and physical boundaries, you can.

Non-monogamy may not be an easy choice to make, but taking this decision can begin to improve even the most seemingly hopeless marriage. The most important thing for couples to remember in this situation is that both parties must make the same decision for things to work out.

If both people choose to work on the marriage, they also choose to work on communication patterns, priorities that can get in the way of the relationship, and the pain the other has caused.

Some partners become so disillusioned and filled with hatred that they give up in desperate resignation. One thing to remember is that each argument contains a secret desire for growth.

Don’t let your partner become your enemy. Instead, stop the cycle and unleash the potential in your marriage to be the powerful force for healing and growth that it can be.

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