Growing Apart Is the Reason for Most Break-Ups
We’re not great at spotting little changes in our relationship
I wasn’t shocked to learn that “growing apart” is the reason for roughly 80% of relationships ending. Why? I’ve lost count of the many times one of my friends said this after a breakup.
It seems like it’s the way things naturally evolve. At some point, couples grow apart. Is this because we change so much in a short time? Hardly.
Therefore, are subtle changes in a relationship not that subtle after all? Or, put differently, are couples growing apart because they lose sight of shifts in their relationship? I wondered whether it was possible that we’re not that effective at spotting small changes in our relationship after all.
Why do couples grow apart and falling out of love?
We all know more or less what we think makes couples successful and happy. It’s usually when both describe their partner as their best friend, confidant, and someone who always has their back. We want to be certain that we can rely on our partners no matter what and work as a team, even if our aims aren’t identical.
What happens, though, when this conviction turns into uncertainty? First, we need to know how people feel about us. Therefore, we prefer keeping a safe distance from people when we are unsure about their intentions. Second, suppose a relationship is on the verge of collapsing. In that case, chances are that both partners haven’t been attentive towards each other. And therefore, slowly but surely, couples grow apart with the partner, rather than being a constant source of love and support, turns into the source of your sorrow and aggravation.
Maybe this happens because both have been brushing over little annoyances during the relationship that now are unforgivable transgressions. While changes in long-term relationships are inherent and should be embraced, certain behavioral habits should raise red flags.
Terri Orbuch, Ph.D. psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, found it important to deal with small changes. These changes might range from making new acquaintances to never wearing the same socks again to being late more frequently. Mismatched socks, for example, may not irritate you at the start of a relationship but irritate you afterward.
We all go through rough patches.
While every couple goes through rough patches, it’s important how issues are brought up. When both partners feel understood, it also gives a sense of belonging and trust. However, if your partner has become less sympathetic, impatient, and uncaring about your feelings, it’s a concern.
This may also be because the partner has already inwardly tapped out of the relationship. It’s the source of one of the key reasons why people fall out of love. Namely, that they don’t feel appreciated, respected, or valued in their relationship. However, I am convinced that these feelings don’t come out of nowhere.
A pair goes through several stages in a long-term relationship. The relationship, as well as the pair, evolves during these stages. If things were always bright and sunny in the beginning, this is no longer the case. Fortunately, you get to know one other and strengthen your love throughout this time.
We fall out of love because we’re human.
It’s how relationships are designed. All of us can fall out of love. Actually, we can even make ourselves fall out of love. Sounds dramatic, right? Actually, falling out of love doesn’t mean your relationship is over. In a healthy relationship, both realize what they have. Thus, fall in love again — even more deeply than before. Then we fall out of love, to fall back in love again. It’s a repeating cycle — as long as both partners are on board.
It’s liberating to realize that we don’t have to wait for anybody else to change before we may feel love. This longing has a lot of power, and it may be gratified by our own actions. Suppose you grasp the love rules and commit to doing the loving actions that open your heart. In that case, you can have a loving, honest, and positive relationship for the rest of your life. It isn’t always straightforward, but it is always worthwhile.
Because, in the end, we want to be loved.
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