Why Does a Covert Narcissist Reject Attempts to Improve the Relationship?
What this question says about you and them
Your relationship has taken a terrible turn, maybe even come to an end, and you’ve heard that your partner is a covert narcissist.
That doesn’t sound so bad, you think. Covert can’t be as bad as overt.
“We can work on this. We can solve this problem. We can put this relationship back together.”
You take almost a cheerleader approach, “We can do this!” with an imagined herkie at the end.
You start reading and learning. You find a couple’s counselor. You commit to regular communication — about feelings.
Time and again you try. Time and again, the covert narcissist rejects any and all attempts to improve the relationship.
You’re struggling to understand why.
Understanding the covert narcissist
A covert narcissist isn’t emotionally healthy, has no concept of healthy relationships, and doesn’t want one.
It really is that simple.
A covert narcissist wants and needs just two things
- Narcissistic supply, typically obtained through devaluing you
- Preservation of their persona and made-up version of reality
The covert narcissist doesn’t care about a healthy relationship.
If they did, they wouldn’t lie, manipulate, gaslight, devalue, and more.
Since their goal is not a healthy relationship, what is there to work out?
If you are no longer someone who gives them the most narcissistic supply for the least effort, or someone who believes their idealized self and false narrative are true, you are no longer a good fit for them.
Though their two primal needs are typically subconscious and out of their awareness, they KNOW this with every fiber of their being.
The relationship is over. There is nothing to work on.
Now let’s explore what’s going on with you
You’ve been led to believe several false premises.
Everyone is capable of healthy relationships: They aren’t. Even if a covert narcissist wanted a healthy relationship, they are simply not capable.
Relationships take work: While relationships do take work, to an emotionally dependent victim who has been trained to take blame for everything, this is understood as, “I am solely responsible for making this relationship work.” That is categorically false.
It takes two: When you’re with a covert narcissist, they give the world the impression that they are the best, most loving partner. When you struggle with the relationship, you appear high maintenance. That is by design. They are sabotaging you and the relationship to devalue you. (They are also sabotaging themselves and their own happiness out of intense internal shame.)
There are two sides to every story: With two healthy people, this is totally true. Not true with a covert narcissist. There is your side and there is whatever version of the truth suits them. Once you’ve been gaslit long enough, your side becomes their version of the truth. The story is false.
Maybe they are not a covert narcissist or maybe they can change: Neither is true. You can beat your head against the wall for years trying to improve the relationship, but it simply isn’t going to happen. A covert narcissist is unable to change.
What you can do
Improve your relationship with yourself.
You’ve allowed the covert narcissist to devalue you.
By blaming yourself, taking responsibility for their actions, denying your emotional needs, and not setting or enforcing boundaries, you’ve devalued yourself.
That’s a tough pill to swallow.
Yet, it’s required to heal. You have complete control over improving your relationship with yourself.
And you deserve it.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: What One Thing Leads to a Covert Narcissist’s Final Discard? and How Long Does It Take to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse?
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