Summary

The article discusses why a narcissistic parent might reject help with their children, emphasizing the importance of discerning who the actual narcissist is in a separation, and the reasons behind a narcissist's or a victim's refusal of assistance.

Abstract

The article "Why Do Narcissists Reject Help with Their Children?" delves into the complex dynamics of narcissistic behavior in separated parents, particularly when one parent is accused of narcissism. It raises the critical question of accurately identifying the narcissist, as both parties may claim victimhood. The author suggests that a true victim will likely have extensive documentation of the abuse, whereas a narcissist may rely on manipulation and fabrication. The piece outlines several reasons a narcissist might reject help, including the desire to maintain a victim role for sympathy, to exert control over their children, or to outshine them. Conversely, a genuine victim might refuse help due to shame, betrayal, fear of further lies, or a need to prove self-sufficiency. The article advises caution in accepting narratives without evidence and encourages offering support without attachment to its acceptance.

Opinions

The author implies that it's easy to be deceived by a narcissist's portrayal of events, even when it comes from a family member or someone known for a long time.
There is a strong suggestion that narcissists manipulate situations to their advantage, often painting themselves as victims to gain sympathy and narcissistic supply.
The article posits that victims of narcissistic abuse may have a wealth of evidence to substantiate their claims, contrary to the unsubstantiated allegations made by narcissists.
It is opinioned that narcissists may reject help to preserve their narrative of struggle and to maintain power and control over their children.
The author believes that victims may reject help due to a combination of shame, betrayal, and fear of further manipulation or loss of custody.
The author advocates for a discerning approach to offers of help, emphasizing the importance of standing in the truth and not perpetuating false realities.
The article encourages readers to be mindful of their role in potential manipulations and to respect the autonomy of individuals to accept or decline offered support.

Why Do Narcissists Reject Help with Their Children?

The question no one asks that must be answered first

Picture this.

Your niece and her husband separate with shared placement of their children. She shares terrible stories about her husband’s behavior — so much going on in the home behind closed doors. She tells you he’s a narcissist. Their kids seem to be caught in the middle.

You feel for your niece. You feel for her children. You always liked her husband. You feel for him, too, realizing he must be really struggling. You also feel betrayed and disappointed. You thought you knew who he was.

You reach out and ask to be of support and service to the children — maybe driving them to soccer, picking up after school, even taking them to the zoo. Your niece gladly accepts the help. Her husband refuses.

You’re left wondering, “Why wouldn’t a narcissist want me to do things that benefit their children?”

The question you must ask first

Are you absolutely certain which parent is the narcissist?

Let that sink in for a minute.

It’s so easy to take your niece’s stories as truth. But they may be furthest from the truth.

Unfortunately, taking the word of someone you’ve known the longest, someone who is “family,” or someone you like better doesn’t make their word true.

Why wouldn’t it be true?

Covert and overt narcissists often paint the picture that the other parent is a narcissist.

The narcissist has created a lens through which others see themselves, others, and the world around them. They have presented themselves as their idealized self and drawn others into their made-up version of reality, often since early childhood.

It would be easy to be deceived — even by someone you’ve known your whole life.

How can you tell who is narcissist and who is victim?

By turning to primary resources. Victims are so used to defending themselves, they often have extensive documentation to prove what they say is true. The victim will have photos, videos, screenshots, emails, ER reports, therapist reports, and more.

A narcissist, on the other hand, makes up crazy allegations and relies on flying monkeys’ corroboration to speak as evidence.

If you’re not comfortable enough to ask for primary sources or evidence, you’re not close enough to believe what the person says is true.

To believe it is a matter of, “He said. She said,” is to abdicate responsibility for discernment.

Reasons a narcissist will reject help

Those who receive narcissistic supply by playing the victim get so much mileage from complaining about their challenging life and gaining sympathy, they refuse help because they need to maintain their victim role. They want life to be hard. They want to struggle with balancing work and kids. They want to struggle with finances. They want others to feel sorry for them. They have crafted an Academy Award winning performance of victim for all to see.
Others are playing the role of super parent, seeking accolades for doing everything on their own.
They may not want emotional support for their children. Remember, they receive narcissistic supply through power and control over others, unfortunately including their kids. They want their children destabilized, not supported.
They are competitive with their children. They want to be able to brag about them. (They get supply from that.). But they don’t want their kids to be smarter, more talented, more educated, more athletic, etc. Think of the song lyrics, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”
Narcissists see people as objects, as providers of resources. They give the appearance they care about their children, when truly they care about what their children can do for them.

Reasons a victim will reject help

A VICTIM of a covert narcissist will refuse help for a variety of reasons.

Their head is spinning. They have no idea what has happened to their world. They are devastated and terrified and ashamed. They don’t want to talk about it with anyone, especially their abuser’s family.
They have been hiding everything wrong in their life for years — making excuses, covering for their partner, picking up the slack. They supported the narrative that the narcissist’s fairy tale world is real and now no one knows the truth.
They feel betrayed — betrayed by the narcissist, betrayed by all those who whisper behind their backs, betrayed by those who give the side eye or knowing glances. They trust no one.
They became the victim of a narcissist because they had a deep-seated belief (often subconscious) that they aren’t good enough. They have always had something to prove. They have sought approval and love. They have people-pleased to their own detriment. Now in the devastating loss of the relationship, they have even more to prove.
They are terrified of further lies — of lies that impact the way their children see them, of lies believed by the court system, of lies that impact their time with the kids. They do not want to risk being seen as needy, weak, or unprepared to take care of their kids.

What are you to do?

Keep your eyes wide open. Even then, you’re not likely to see the situation clearly. Know that what you’re being told may be true. Alternatively, it may be entirely false, and you’re being used as a flying monkey.

The single best thing you can do for all involved is to stand in the truth. If you don’t know what it is, believe nothing, say nothing. Holding a false reality is harmful to all.

Then, offer any help or support you wish with full understanding it is their right to accept or reject your offer.

Just because you offer someone a piece of chocolate cake doesn’t mean they have to eat it.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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