Why Being Horny Isn’t a Character Flaw

Sexual creatures aren’t inherently shameful

When looking at our society’s most common gender-based stereotypes about human attitudes toward sex, the assumptions have been pretty well-established. Men and boys are viewed as hormonal “pigs” who can’t control ourselves. Women and girls are viewed as either promiscuous “sluts” who don’t “know their place,” or prudish crones (if not virginal lambs) who are disinterested in libido altogether.

These stereotypes are, of course, largely off-the-mark. But try telling that to folks who are peddling a specific agenda.

My plea to humanity is a radical departure from accepting these caricatures. Rather, we need to begin viewing ourselves as being rich tapestries of sexual liberty. Our own erotic tastes, desires, and stimuli can be composed of many different flavors or textures.

I hope, when we consider what defines someone as “horny,” we’ll begin to transcend age-old allegories. Can we view people as sexually multidimensional — beyond the cheap lines that comedy writers jot down for awards show presenters to utter?

Just because a female person is horny, it doesn’t automatically make her a “slut” — she can still be authentic and genial while enjoying sexual liberation.

And just because a male person is horny, it doesn’t automatically make him a “pig” — he can still be a generous, healthy sexual creature.

There is a certain level of subjectivity when assessing whether a person’s sex drive is “normal” versus “high.” Physiologically, greater testosterone levels correlate with higher sex drives — not just in men, but also when women’s hormones peak during ovulation. Vices such as alcohol and drug addiction can also increase one’s horniness, whereas the usage of antidepressants can decrease it.

Libido is something we should consciously attempt to lower only if it’s interfering with our mental health, physical safety, or interpersonal relationships. Outside of any vices or biological hormones, elements such as sensory touch and aphrodisiacs can safely induce greater libido. In order to regulate these hormonal vibes, some nutric options include exercise, masturbation, and creative expression. Teen Vogue’s Gigi Engle identifies factors including fantasies, restlessness, tingles, pre-ejaculatory leakage, and even sneezing as signs that you are situationally horny.

We all heard the infamous recordings of Donald Trump bragging to Billy Bush about groping women’s genitalia. Trump insisted it was merely “locker room talk,” although people of all sexes and genders took issue with his glib excuse-making. While it’s undeniable that heterosexist “locker room talk” (albeit not as flagrant as Trump’s predatory rhetoric) happens, the more compelling question is: WHY does it happen?

Esquire’s Luke O’Neil cites both surreal pornography and a pursuit of increased stature as two main driving factors as to why many men bask in such misogyny. But, adds O’Neil, many other men on the receiving end of this bluster don’t want to have to hear about it from their delusional male peers. Some will offer “reluctant, feigned enthusiasm” in order to fit in. When it doesn’t get challenged, it can be due to a fear of losing friends. The prospect of seeking out new friendships is daunting, since these relationships are difficult to maintain. So much of our culture has taught us to cherish preexisting jaundiced friendships between men…even if they are built upon shallow foundations.

My advice to boys (preteen or adolescent) and other men who face this sort of anguish: you’re better off without these boorish guys in your lives or within your social circles. As I wrote about in my Medium piece “Is Losing Friends Really Such a Bad Thing?”, friends are those whom I desire for building a sphere of intimacy and empowerment around myself. I see no value in pretending to be someone’s friend just to feed that person’s narcissism.

There is perhaps an even greater societal risk to the trend of deprecating people solely based on their horniness. A clichéd vilification of the human sex drive can only reinforce harmful gender-based assumptions already embedded within our social consciousness.

Writing for The Good Men Project, Noah Brand examines the real-life damage of sexual myths. High libido in women elicits allegations ranging from prostitution to mental disorders to coerced pregnancy (in exchange for stature). Rape culture, as it pertains to heterosexual and bisexual men as aggressors, is predicated on the fable that women are either sexless, nymphomaniacal, or intentionally playing mind games. Women are pressured to moderate their sexual self-expression, while many men enjoy the double standard of being revered as studs or playboys.

Brand also explores how the male privilege of avoiding being “slut-shamed” has another dark side, whereupon low-libido men and asexual people end up marginalized similarly to non-conforming women. The most common alternate myth would be the boys-will-be-boys trope that infantilizes men as inherently able to control themselves. This stigma extends to male survivors of rape or sexual abuse, because oppressive minds view it as inconceivable that a male-identifying person could possibly resist sexual overtures.

In turn, heterosexual and bisexual women become afraid to give enthusiastic consent out of fear that they’ll be tarnished as nymphomaniacs (“slut-shaming”) if they themselves initiate sex by inquiring about a male partner’s own comfort level. Brand characterizes these sexual myths as “…denying the experience of damn near every person alive, everyone who doesn’t fit into a binary ‘men-horny/women-not’ framework, and since human experience falls into a spectrum far more subtle and complex than that, that’s everyone.”

Malena Frey of Esperanto magazine explores how single women are often held to stricter standards of puritanism than partnered women are. No one, she emphasizes, should be made to feel shame for consensual sexual expression — even when it’s tempting for some to pass judgment on those who engage in polyamory, S&M, or kink. Writer/comedienne Carolyn Busa pinpoints satisfaction as her own motivator for horniness. She cites Alfred Kinsey’s study that women reach their sexual peaks later in life than men do, and Busa also grapples with how her own desire for pleasure necessitates more emotional intensity.

Lesbian women face stereotypes of being either too hypermasculine or utterly sexless. Drawing upon her own lived experiences as a lesbian, BestLife’s Ashley Moor puts to rest the misconceptions that most lesbians adopt masculine behaviors or that there is necessarily a butch-femme dynamic in every lesbian relationship. Moor affirms that lesbians don’t categorically hate men, and can maintain wonderful friendships and working relationships with the men in their lives. They simply aren’t dependent on a man for their quality-of-life.

One caricature of same-sex female marriage is that known as “Lesbian Bed Death” — a sexual lore of how, the longer that lesbians remain in monogamous relationships, their sex lives begin to dwindle infrequent staleness. Freelance writer Rachel Charlene Lewis shoots down this erroneous belief, reassuring lesbian readers that less frequent sex shouldn’t signify quality nor should it create undue suspicions such as infidelity, permanent intimacy drought, or relationship fatalism.

Transgender people share a common experience of feeling shame due to being forced to endure body parts that were incorrectly assigned at birth. This means there can be specific types of sexual activities in which many trans individuals will never be comfortable engaging. As a result, members of the transgender community attest to brain activity frequently combined with nerve endings from varied parts of the body, leading to sexual stimulation.

Gender-reassignment surgery or hormone replacement therapy (HRT) will have different physiological effects on each trans person’s body — including the reduction and heightening of libido and a more crystallized idea of what they sexually enjoy. Freelance journalist Diana Tourjée anthologizes a diverse array of physiological and orgasmic changes experienced by trans women. This sort of spiritual renewal during the transitioning process can lead to much versatility in terms of sexual activity.

Having surveyed the perspectives of a cross-section of both trans men and trans women, Vice’s Mattie White found that an increase or decrease in libido during transitions correlates with subsequent pornographic consumption. Furthermore, in some cases, respondents divulge a shift in one’s gender-fluidity when undergoing HRT. For this reason, any resultant porn consumption doesn’t necessarily increase in volume, but may help the individual become more sensually ambidextrous. The richness of experiences amongst gender-nonconforming people is also part of why, as Medium writer Phoenix Huber discusses, so many nonbinary people request to be called by the pronouns of they/them/theirs.

So how do we overcome these toxic boilerplates of what sex is supposed to be — not to mention, our limited and relativistic understanding of why libido happens the way it does?

If being horny per se isn’t categorically bad — but many of the social taboos associated with horniness end up being harmful — what’s the best way to reconcile that?

Nicholas Lucke of the Communicating Psychological Science blog believes that being horny has to do more with sexual desire than actual shifts in hormones themselves. Arousal and pleasure are various stages of that journey. He theorizes that sexual desire eventually metamorphizes into sexual release — at this point, two souls connect, aided by any of the five senses. This is why penetration won’t always be a prerequisite for experiencing these sensations.

Sex can be vicarious or imaginative. When stimuli exist, there can be nonpenetrative versions of fornication — such as those practiced by gay men who identify as “sides” (neither “top” nor “bottom” nor “versatile” in their sexual positioning). These realities defy the stereotype of homosexual men as lecherous sex-addicts. The pleasure of climaxing with another person is more about the beauty of your mutual attraction and experiential connection, as opposed to the technical mechanics of how it happens.

Finally, horniness should be expressed in ways that are safe and reciprocal. The guidance published by Peel Public Health (serving the Greater Toronto Area) places pointed emphasis on communication between sexual partners, including “outercourse” (minimal penetration or zero penetration). This philosophy deems that every person has the right to control their sexual feelings, sensations, movements, expressions, and relationship status.

As summarized by Allure’s Erin Taylor, setting sexual boundaries is a skill that requires practice. Taking an inventory of needs and limits helps you set your boundaries. Safe words or reaffirmations are a way of expressing consent. Online sex or pre-intimacy lists can be one way to cultivate consent and boundaries ahead of the in-person intimacy. Discussing triggers beforehand allows your sexual partner to take care of you.

I’m not a sex therapist, but these signals would seem to provide the greatest potential for ensuring the safety and maximized pleasure of all sexual partners. Such principles should be included in new sex education curriculums for young people, spanning multiple sexual orientations and gender identities. They should also take into account discussion points that people tend to avoid, such as levels of ableness or religious controversies (e.g. circumcision, chasteness, etc.).

As a gay man, I will never again allow myself to be shamed for enjoying the immense pleasure and spiritual nexus that I associate with kissing, cuddling, or ejaculation. I’ll embrace my horniness…channeling it in consensual, dynamic, exhilarating ways. And I’ll become a more vocal advocate for the inclusion of sexual lives, amidst the public discourse, belonging to those of us who fall outside of heteronormative standards.

I encourage anyone else to do the same. Be proud to arouse your lover (or yourself)…and blow your load.