They Are Boring Me to Tears
Whose Guinea Hen Is This?
If you don’t have a neighborhood watch; you won’t understand
“I had a Neighborhood Crime Watch sign in my dorm wall in college. People would come in and laugh at it. ‘Where did you get it?’ ‘I took it. How good is their Neighborhood Crime Watch if they can’t even watch their sign?’” — Carrot Top
I have a video doorbell and am a neighborhood video doorbell watch member. The team sends us texts daily about the nefarious goings-on in our neighborhood. I loved the idea of being a protector of the place where I was living. I’m going to be the working part of the Neighborhood Watch. I even got an official badge with my picture on it.
On my first day, there was an emergency alert, and my phone buzzed and rang. I excitedly wondered if there had been a murder or a fire. I ran to my phone, ready to delay dinner for whatever had caused the emergency. There it was.
“A guinea hen is walking around in the neighborhood. And it was near Andy Street. Does anybody know whose guinea hen this is?” What is this? Guinea hen? I put the phone down and continued cooking.
The next day my phone buzzed and rang again with an emergency. This time, someone had broken into a car, shambled everything in the car, and taken nothing. We have car thieves!
Third alert: Someone had stolen a bike from Walgreens on the corner of Oak and Pine. We have bike thieves!
Fourth alert: No, the bike was not stolen. His friend borrowed the bike and rode it home because he did not feel like walking. Aww. No bike thieves.
Fifth Alert: The car was not visited by a stranger. A teenager was looking for something in the car and forgot to lock it. Then he said nothing about it when the parents found the car open. Aww. No car thieves. I threw my phone on the bed. What is this? Don’t these people have some sort of crime? This is boring.
Sixth Alert: Some men walked on someone else’s grass and looked in their window. We have Peeping TOMS!
Seventh alert: There was a sick-looking dog in the window. The passers-by wanted to make sure the dog was ok. We have no Peeping Toms.
Eight Alerts: Fire on Blueberry street.
Ninth Alert: No fire, just a dad burning pancakes from breakfast so mom can sleep in. Aww. No fire.
Tenth Alert: A strange ethnic man is walking around a house on Jersey Street. Send police now. Those people are invading us.
This one made me put on my coat, but not for what you think. I grabbed my Neighborhood Watch ID badge. The new family on Jersey street is from India. Oh, God. Let me get there quick. No, we don’t have burglars.
Twelfth Alert: One of the neighborhood watch members courageously helped the police with the ethnic man. No one was arrested. It was his house, and he lived there.
Thirteenth Alert: Did anyone capture the Guinea hen? Or is it still roaming free? I sent that question out as an Alert, then did not go looking for the bird.
Once I sent that text, I silenced the alerts on my phone. I have had enough. I must get out of this group. If a serial killer goes from house to house killing people, I am dead. Too bad for me.
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