Humor
What Kind of McDonald’s Is This
Is it too much to expect food and drink at a fast-food restaurant
“People who love to eat are always the best people.”
A Fast Food Breakfast
McDonald’s is not a Jamaican restaurant. I don’t expect to read the menu written on a white dry erase board and order my food from the list of what they cooked today. I expect to order from a standard menu and to get the same quality of McDonalds food no matter where I am in the world.
I went to the McDonalds near my home for breakfast yesterday. I was hungry and looking for something quick as I was on the move. I wanted a sausage biscuit, pumpkin spice coffee, and orange juice. As I pulled up to the sign, I knew something was wrong. There was a piece of paper taped to the menu sign.
The sign said, “The ice cream machine is broken.” I relaxed. I already knew that the McDonald’s ice cream machine was always down. If you want ice cream or a shake, don’t go to McDonald’s because you will not get one.
Sure, McDonald’s will advertise the hell out of the special flavored holiday shakes like an Eggnog shake at Christmas or the green mint shake for St. Patrick’s Day, but they don’t have them. They do not have ice cream at McDonald’s even though they claim they do. Pity on the person driving up thinking that you might buy the shakes just because they advertise the delicious shakes — shame on you for even asking.
Yes, We Have No Orange Juice
It took a long time for the person in front of me to complete their order. There was only one car ahead of me since it was early. When I pulled up to the speaker at my turn, I asked for a sausage biscuit. The disembodied voice at the speaker informed me they didn’t have any sausage biscuits. Ok. Can I have a sausage McMuffin? Nope. There are no sausage McMuffins either. The voice lets me know they don’t have any sausage, so no sandwich that needs sausage or the Big Breakfast (sausage, eggs, and pancakes) is available. I’m shaking my head from side to side as this information sinks in.
Can I have a standard Egg McMuffin combo? With pumpkin spice coffee? Yes, I can have an Egg McMuffin combo but not with pumpkin spice coffee because they don’t have any pumpkin spice coffee. Would I like a regular coffee? Now, I’m getting a headache from both hunger and this situation.
Am I at some clandestine McDonald’s which only offers select menu items? I have been here many times in the last eleven years, and they always had food. I have experienced the Kentucky Fried Chicken stores running out of chicken. Maybe that’s why they now operate as KFC stores and not restaurants.
Take What You Can Get
I’ve now been at the window for 10 minutes. No, I will take an orange juice. I can get regular coffee at home. They did not have any orange juice, either. It’s breakfast, and I am in Florida. Where the $%#@ is the orange juice? You don’t have any. I got it. I’ll take that coffee with two sugars and three creams.
My head is pounding and my hands are sweaty. I wanted to say: why don’t you tell people when they come to the window what you have and don’t have: it would save a lot of time. But I didn’t. Instead, I pulled around, paid, and picked up my breakfast sandwich, hash browns, and coffee.
As I took my first coffee sip, it was smoking hot but had only one sugar and one cream. I drove away thinking I was lucky to get anything out of that place. Also, the facility does not understand that fast food should not take 20 minutes to get from a window.
I decide I have had enough. I’m going to drive to another McDonald’s to see if they have any orange juice. I’m on a quest here. I want my breakfast. Sausage Biscuit or bust.
Toni Crowe retired as the Vice President of Operations to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books, two of which won the 2019 Reader’s Choice Gold Awards. Her bestselling business book, “Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends: How Do You Manage A Man Sitting With His Dick in His Hand?” was one winner. Her first book, “Never a $7 Whore” was the other.
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