Satire

What Should a Mustache-Rider Smell Like?

Sugar, spice, and everything nice

“You’re going to stink, but you can choose your stink.” ― Therese Oneill, Unmentionable: The Victorian Lady’s Guide to Sex, Marriage, and Manners

My doorbell rang. In pandemic 2022, I do not get up to answer the door. I asked Alexa to show me the front door. Two beautiful women wearing yellow jackets and skirts carrying small yellow suitcases were at my door. One has beautifully coiffed gray hair, the other is younger. I pushed the microphone button.

“Hello, how can I help you?” I say, watching them from my rocking chair.

Lips Between Your Hips

One woman leans forward into the camera. “We want to talk to you about your lips between your hips. We have a new product that will make your aroma irresistible to your husband. I’m assuming you are married since you have this delightful house. Our products will knock your socks off.”

“Interesting expression.” I thought, “Are these women time travelers from the 1940s?”

I answer the door. There are three reasons I am intrigued. I’m older, so I sometimes get behind on the newest trends. The second is that no one has said ‘knock your socks off’ to me in a very long time. The third is I saw five commercials on television yesterday about deodorants for my muff. Obviously, women need help to cover up their natural fragrances.

I step out onto the porch. The women show me their wares. The young woman says, “This combination has been shown to drive men mad with lust.”

She pulls out a spray can of whip cream and a lemon. She takes a small cylinder, sprays the whipped cream into it, cuts the lemon, and squeezes it into the vial. After stirring whipped cream and lemon together, she passes the concoction to me. “Smell that,” she says. Imagine your bearded oyster smelling that good.”

I sniff. It smells wonderful. I tell her that. I question her, “So having a beaver that has the aroma of a restaurant is a thing now?”

She then reaches in and pulls out a small yellow roll-on dispenser. “Yes. Use this every day, and you will smell like that. Just roll this on your box. It is magic.”

She states some people avoid paying for their products by putting whip cream and lemon juice directly on their cotton candy canoe, but the smell doesn’t last all day. In the middle of the day, their twat is back to its typical adult woman smell.

A Peanut Butter and Jelly Twat

I’m about to ask her how much the roll-on applicator costs because who doesn’t want to smell like whipped cream and lemon? Suddenly, two women in green skirt suits cross the street and run up on my front porch.

“No,” one of the green skirted women shouts. “Don’t buy the whipped cream and lemon bullshit. It is all lies.” She shouts. “That is NOT what you need to smell like. Their product is crap. I have got what you need.” She pushes her way past the first two women on the porch.

She reaches in her bag and hands me a beautifully made peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The crust has been cut off the bread. The sandwich is in the shape of a heart. Awww. You can tell there is an excellent balance between the grape jelly and the peanut butter. I want to eat the sandwich, but no, there is still a pandemic.

“Peanut butter and jelly is the most attractive way to get your snatch in order. No man can resist the peanut butter and jelly smell,” the woman smiles at me as I finger the sandwich. It looks delicious.

“Peanut butter and jelly is the most attractive way to get your snatch in order. No man can resist the peanut butter and jelly smell,” the woman smiles at me as I finger the sandwich. It looks delicious.

The second green skirted woman reaches us. She says, “We have the spray in strawberry jam and peanut butter or grape jelly and peanut butter.” She sneers at the yellow-skirted women. You won’t have to touch yourself down there to use our product.”

I’m thinking to myself. I have whipped cream, lemons, peanut butter, and several types of jellies and jams in my pantry. I can rub the contents of my pantry on myself. Why do I need them? I thanked both sets of women for their presentations and sent them on — buying nothing.

Meat is The Answer

Once back inside my home, I am intrigued. I do an internet search to find out what other scents I can put on my mustache rider. I find information about vaginal deodorants.

“Q. Should women use vaginal deodorants?

A. Absolutely not. If you have a bad vaginal odor or discharge, you should not use a deodorant to cover it up. Go to your gynecologist to make sure that you don’t have an infection. Normal hygiene — bathing or showering daily — should be all you need to prevent unpleasant body odor. Although we are obsessed with cleanliness and smelling good, normal body odor is not offensive. In fact, animals (humans included) produce scents called pheromones that may be instruments for attracting the opposite sex and causing sexual arousal in partners.” — GenderMed.com — Vaginal Deodorants

This information is the opposite of what the women told me. I immediately ignore the input from experts, preferring to pay more attention to the two random sets of women who accosted me on my porch.

Roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy is what I settle on for my velvet sausage wallet. I like the spray because, as green skirt said, it is the devil’s work if I touch myself way down there.

My husband loved coming home to the smell of meat cooking. How thrilled is he going to be to smell me? I cannot wait to find out. The possibilities are endless.

If the roast beef works, my next choice is the barbecued pork ribs and beans. It was hard choosing the right meat. I wanted to smell like a complete window order. I couldn’t find the chicken in a spray. Maybe next time.

Toni Crowe retired as the Vice President of Operations to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books, two of which won the 2019 Reader’s Choice Gold Awards. Her bestselling business book, “Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends: How Do You Manage A Man Sitting With His Dick in His Hand?” was one of the winners. Her first book, “Never a $7 Whore” was the other.

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