I Don’t “Fit In” With The Popular Crowd
And I don’t care anymore.
When you live in a cookie cutter world being different is a sin. So you don’t stand out but you don’t fit in…
from Hanson’s song, Weird
The Struggle
When I was a kid, I thought I loved Hanson because of their upbeat melodies and gorgeous, long hair.
But as I listened to the lyrics of songs like this one more, I realized, “hey wait a sec, these guys actually understand what I feel like every day!”
Growing up, I struggled to fit in. I assumed that when I got to middle school, the same girls who I played softball with in elementary school would be friends with me. Why? Because we played softball together, duh.
I learned it didn’t work like that.
I’d soon learn those girls in my grade were “popular”. They all wore the same brand names and the same shoes. They were cool, calm, and collected.
I, on the other hand, was raised in clothing without brand names. My family cared more about saving money long-term than trends. There was no emphasis on a brand name when I realistically would only wear those clothes for a year or two while I was still growing.
I was also an emotional, hyper child who embraced my personality differences, and I didn’t understand the appeal of conformity.
Middle school is an unkind jungle for kids. It was hard. There were days when I sat on the edge of the popular girls’ lunch table not participating in their conversations.
Even though I eventually found my circle of girls around 7th grade, I still decided to aesthetically try and say, “fuck you guys” and flipped the script and (oof, embarrassingly) decided that being goth was definitely my fashion cup of tea.
That phase only lasted for a year or so. I still tried all through my 20s to find myself and tried out many wardrobes to help tell the world “who I was” in an attempt to attract more of the same people. I was the emo kid, the runner, the boho yoga enthusiast, and then the athleisure enthusiast.
The Freedom
I wish I could give my middle school self a hug, telling her she’ll be fine and she won’t have to worry about any of this.
I wish I could tell myself the same thing two years ago. But humans are messy. We make mistakes, and we often carry what we need to unpack into our adulthood.
Many deep conversations with my therapist of digging into all of this revealed a fundamental pattern I have of wanting to please everyone. It’s an unfortunate consequence of what I also learned is my strongest Enneagram type, Type 2:
The Caring, Interpersonal Type: Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive
It’s taken many talks with my therapist and mantras of “I am enough” to get where I am now. I’ve realized that I genuinely don’t want to be a core part of those “in” crowds. The following is me unfortunately stereotyping a little bit, but you might agree:
“In” crowds don’t often welcome deep, vulnerable, raw conversations. They don’t appreciate differences from the norm. What they do appreciate is conformity, the expected, and similar appearances. They appreciate the comfort of not being too different. And that’s just not me, it can’t be.
I want 1:1 conversations with deep people who know who they are and confidently like what they like. I want to have my own opinions open to change because of someone else’s experience and perspective. I want the brutally honest. I want the uncomfortable.
At 34 years of age, it’s been so freeing and liberating to be in a place of total acceptance of myself. I’ve fallen in love with keeping a minimalist wardrobe that I believe is “French Woman” influenced, and love that I can confidently say “that’s my style”.
More than anything though, I love the people in my closest circles so deeply. They are all unique and so incredible in their own ways, and I value each of them dearly. More than they’ll ever realize.
Growing up, Mister Rogers was one of my favorite shows. His fundamental message helped me feel good about knowing I was my own person. It’s important to understand and realize this as adults, too. I shamelessly still turn to his wisdom when I am feeling vulnerable:
I like you as you are Exactly and precisely I think you turned out nicely And I like you as you are
So if you’re someone who doesn’t fit in, embrace it. Keep shining as your unique self. You might not always belong everywhere, and that’s okay. Understand you’re not meant to. Fill your cup in your own ways, with your own people. They’ll always be happy to have you at their table. ❤
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