10 Lessons From Losing My Dad Unexpectedly 10 Years Ago
10 years ago on September 18th, I unexpectedly lost my Dad. He was 52 years old, healthy, and worked hard. After a long time to reflect, I believe he worked too hard and was too stressed from his job, only to have stress from other areas of his life compound in addition. Enough time has passed for me to mull over what I think might have been some of the fundamental contributors to what took him away from us so suddenly, but that’s not what this post is about.
As terrible and painful as that time was, and even though I still feel that pain this time of year each year, there are some beautiful lessons that I’ve learned from it all. They help alleviate the moments where I still find myself wanting to sit down and share my successes or struggles with my Dad, or simply ask him about his day and what he did. I’ll dive right in:
- My Dad was someone who never took for granted the little things in life, and I’ve absolutely carried that with me. Slowing down to appreciate every moment fills my soul, and it’s also what many in wellness circles consider as practicing mindfulness. Sense how hot your coffee is in the mug between your palms. Notice the way the morning air smells and how the dew blankets everything in a peaceful, rich way. Appreciate the fullness and warmth you feel in your heart when you hug someone you love.
- Do things in the day that bring you joy. Life is too short for wasted time. Whether it be writing, singing, resting, reading, walking, or whatever it may be! Make time to do it. Those times of scrolling through social media don’t cut it for me, so I opt to put my phone down/ in my pocket and turn to my laptop to write on Medium. Or I go for a walk with a podcast on. All of those little moments in the day compound which brings me to -
- The same philosophy is found in books like Atomic Habits and The Slight Edge. Do little things each day that compound each day to show that you’ve improved in an area of your life, and are working toward a long-term goal somehow. Especially if one of those goals is something that your loved ones would be proud of. Since my Dad’s passing, I went to college, got a degree in Computer Science, was in a band for a period of time, and started working out avidly again (although to be fair, I started running after my Dad’s passing because I didn’t know what else to do, it was more of a primal instinct to release pent up energy. I realized during this time that I think that’s why Forrest Gump “just felt like running” after Jenny, too), and I’ve prioritized clean eating. There are a lot more things I could add to that list, but when I look at it, I’m proud of myself for choosing healthy habits instead of turning to more bad habits like smoking cigarettes (which I did do a lot of for a bit right after it happened because I’m only human).
- Take that trip, do the thing, and spend money on experiences rather than things. Prioritize your vacation time or PTO and 100% enjoy it, completely away from work. Do not look at your work email or messages. You are on VACATION, not part-time messaging time.
- Choose to be with people who fill your cup. My Dad was my favorite person, my mentor, he was really my everything. Imagining losing him seemed impossible before it happened because it was too terrible for me to think of because it would have been the ultimate devastation. Well…I had to learn to find more people who I could be with and immerse myself in deep conversation with. Thankfully that year brought a lot of wonderful people into my life, and the conversations I had with them in my living room at the time are still some of the most treasured memories I have. I’ve met people since that year who now, I can’t imagine my life without. ❤
- Find the areas of life that bring good to your soul. It’s okay to turn off the news sometimes. It’s okay to step away from what seems like total chaos in the world and find what brings you happiness. You can’t fix everything for everyone, so don’t try to. Instead, be happy in your own space, and do what you can in small ways like being kind or helping someone where you can.
- Realize that you can always spend your money and earn it back, but you can never spend your time and earn it back. Time is our most precious resource, and how we choose to spend it goes a long way.
- Professional therapy is incredible, and having someone help you even if you haven’t experienced loss is one of the most tremendous gifts humanity has for others. If you can afford to find someone who you can speak with to unpack what you’ve been carrying, you’d be amazed at the personal growth you experience. Your relationships with others in your life improve, but more importantly, your relationship with yourself improves. My therapist is one of my favorite people, and I’m always so thankful for her.
- Feel every single emotion that arises through the grieving process. The “new normal” becomes established after the constant tidal waves of pain right after the loss happens. But sometimes even in that new normal, there are waves of despair. Don’t suppress them. Don’t feel the need to turn them into motivation. Remembering the people you love and the emotions that come from them are beautiful and help you in understanding why you loved that person so dearly. I feel this in a small way almost every day now when I watch a sunset — I see my Dad in every color. He was the happiest, most motivated, most beautiful person I knew, and I see that in the sunset. I feel it like a warm hug, and I’m thankful for it.
- Lastly, be thankful to wake up every day and welcome new experiences into your life even without that person being there. Do things for yourself that you will be proud of. Your life is interwoven in others’ lives in more ways than you realize, and being a part of others’ lives and having the relationships you foster is incredible. Be thankful for being able to walk barefoot on the wet grass in the morning, or on the sandy beaches. Be thankful for feeling the warmth of the sun. We’re all merely pieces of the cosmos anyways, even though the systems of humanity loom above us as a constant burden and annoyance. Take time to step away from that noise and be present with yourself in moments of peace and clarity. Find ways to have your soul reset.
All my love and encouragement to you if you understand this post too well. Sending you strength, courage, and hope for opportunities of wisdom to come from moments of sorrow.
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