Fox News Scandal

White Men Can’t Hump

Tucker Carlson fired for pre-show sex talk with Piers Morgan

Last week Fox News fired popular TV host Tucker Carlson in the aftermath of a $787 million dollar defamation lawsuit. This week, we are learning why poor little Tucker has become Fox’s whipping boy.

According to tapes released by Media Matters for America, Carlson was terminated as a result of leaked off-air comments, whose language the executives at the Fox Corporation found objectionable. For instance, Tucker described someone’s girlfriend at Fox as ‘yummy,’ and at one point says: “in case this is being pulled off the bird [meaning listened to on satellite]: Hey Media Matters for America, go fuck yourself.”*

*Although I am often known for making up nonsense, I feel the need to point out that everything so far in this article is true.

In addition, the transcript of a pre-interview conversation between Tucker Carlson and Piers Morgan has been released, in which the two discuss ‘coital techniques’. While other media outlets are exercising good judgment by refraining from publishing the conversation, Doctor Funny never lets integrity get in the way of good story.

What follows is the unedited transcript of Carlson’s pre-interview on the Piers Morgan show, entitled:

White Men Can’t Hump

PM — Thanks for agreeing to be on. This will be great.

TC — Thanks for having me . . . Say, Piers ol’ buddy. Can I ask you a question?

PM — Ask away Tuck.

TC — Do you find me attractive?

PM — Oh my, goodness gracious. I must say, I tend to see our relationship more along the lines of occasional work acquaintances.

TC — No I don’t mean . . . did you think? . . . Hah! What a hilarious misunderstanding. I mean, do you think that women find me attractive?

PM — Some of them do, I’m sure. Especially when you wear that bowtie. Bowties are simply adorable on you. What’s got you doubting yourself?

Producer — Here’s your non-fat, diary-free, raccoon urine extract Americano Mr. Carlson.

TC — Thank you. Smells wonderful. Anyway, I just can’t seem to assess my own appearance. You ever just stand in front of a mirror, tuck your penis in between your legs, get a good long look and try to rate yourself? Some days I’m an eight, some days a ten. Today I’m feeling like an unlovable old four.

PM — You’re at least a five. But could we just rewind a second? Did you say: ‘tuck your penis in between your legs’?

TC — When you stand in front of the mirror in the morning, yeah.

PM — Why on earth would a person do that?

TC — If my willy’s out I can’t focus on anything else for more than three seconds. It’s the only way I can get a good look at my face. Why do you think they call me Tucker?

PM — I thought it was your name.

TC — More of a nickname really. But back to my appearance. Sometimes when I’m with a lady I spend the whole time wondering if she actually finds me attractive, or is she just putting up with this ugly hump because he’s rich and famous.

PM — Bit of a confidence issue is it then?

Producer — Two minutes to broadcast, gentlemen.

TC — I guess I’m just in my own head.

PM — Well if you are after advice, I would say find a subtle cologne, tan your testicles, and look yourself straight in the eye in that mirror every morning and say ‘Go get’em you handsome bugger!’

TC — You tan your testicles?

PM — Once every two weeks, yes. I don’t tan them myself, of course. I have a team of blind estheticians who takes care of that.

TC — Why are they blind?

PM — They don’t start blind. Their eyesight fades after six or seven hundred hours of staring at my apricots. It’s quite a medical phenomenon.

TC — But do women ever see your testicles?

PM — All the time Tuck! I mean what else is she supposed to look at when she’s back there?

TC — Back there? You mean, she takes you from behind?

PM — Quite right.

TC — How is that? I’ve heard mixed reviews.

PM — Better than having to do all the work myself. Plus, from that position she can’t see me Googling myself.

TC — Fascinating. Tan my testicles you say . . .

PM — It puts a dazzle in your day. You ready to roll?

TC — Just a second [Audio appears to indicate Mr. Carlson tucking his penis between his legs.] Ready!

PM — Alright fantastic. Cunt! Twat! Lick-a-Dick! Fuck my face and eat my toenails . . . And we are back! My first guest tonight knows a thing or two about political takedowns. He’s one of the most influential conservative voices in the world, with a loyal audience of millions tuning into his Fox News show every week. We are pleased to welcome Tucker Carlson back to the program.

TC — Thanks for having me, Piers.

Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:

Please also read Patrick Eades’s ode to mirrors and laugh until you cry or he will KILL MY ENTIRE FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!