SELF-IMPROVEMENT

Where is the (Self) Love?

Day 31, 50 questions for deep self-reflection

This is day 31 of the 50 Questions for Deep Self-Reflection challenge from Know Thyself Heal Thyself created by Diana C.

DAY THIRTY-ONE: How can you practice letting yourself find proof that you are lovable?

Unpacking the question

This question punched me right in the, ‘no idea’ and I think that alone says a lot about where today’s unpacking is going to need to go. I don’t think I can… actually, I know, I can’t answer this question without first addressing why my instant reaction wasn’t, “I don’t need proof. I just am.” I mean, really, that’s how I would have liked to have answered this question. But instead, my brain fired off instantly in search of proof. Even though this question is asking about how I can practice letting myself find that proof, ultimately, the place to be is one where proof isn’t necessary, because there is just a knowing.

Okay, so we have a starting point. I’m going to have to do that thing where I adapt the question. To start with, today’s question becomes:

Why do I need proof that I’m lovable?

Ouch!

What the hell IS lovable?

What does lovable mean anyway? The ability to be loved? The persona of something or someone that can be loved and is capable of being loved? That’s such an external thing. Wait, I think I’m already getting somewhere on this one.

Finding proof that I am lovable would be seeking more external evidence that I am living up to an expectation that is not mine!

Okay, this is good. This is a very quick, deep dive into where I need to go with this. So, I don’t need to find proof that I’m lovable. In fact, I don’t want to find proof that I am lovable. Because in doing so, I’m just going around in circles on the old rhetoric that I need something external to prove that I’m good enough. How funny that lovable comes back to being good enough for me, although, I’m not really surprised.

Evidence of success/lovability

I talk a lot about finding evidence and giving yourself proof of success. As humans, we so often easily see points where we didn’t succeed and that can lead to setting goals that are so big that we set ourselves up for failure. And so, setting ourselves up for success and finding evidence that we can is a great start.

This isn’t the same though. Or is it? Wait, is it?

Did I just shift a belief unrelated to the question? In seeking evidence of success, are we not also seeking external validation of achieving an expectation? Huh! What if we knew we were successful just by the fact of being? What if we knew we were lovable just by existing? Because we are. ‘Unlovability’ comes from external judgment. The internal love of self is really where this is going.

I think I’ve got it!

How can I accept that I’m worthy of my own love?

Well, damn!

• By knowing that no one can ever love me more than myself (If you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else? — Ru Paul)
• By knowing that everything I’m doing in my life at the moment is in the pursuit of my own happiness. That’s a loving gift to self if ever there was one.
• By knowing that there is no acceptance to be done, it just is, and always has been.
• By knowing that any moment I doubt my own lovability, it’s because I’m judging myself.
• By actually telling myself, “Hey, dude, I love you. You’re awesome.” That was uncomfortable to say. That tells me I need to say it more.

If you are interested in the journey so far — all the days that came before, I’ve collected all the article links here:

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