When You’re Too Drunk to Remember Last Night
You might be an alcoholic
“Do you remember what you said last night? Do you remember what you did last night?” — common question for an alcoholic the day after a blackout, heard at an AA meeting
I lost my car in a parking lot once.
It didn’t go anywhere, as I fruitlessly searched for hours. Though it could’ve happened to anyone for a few minutes, it happened to me all night because I was drunk. I have countless stories like this one. If only I could recall the details.
I drove my little red VW Beetle to Parking Lot 10, which was near my favorite dive bars. I think I ended up at the Sportsman. I eventually found a guy to flirt with, who was drunk enough to flirt back and buy me more booze.
I don’t recall his name. I don’t know if we went to other bars. I know we had intentions to take our flirtations further. We walked to the lot after 2 am closing time. I stumbled around in my drunken haze, undoubtedly holding onto him for attention and for staying upright.
Despite my car being unique and usually easy to spot, my cute little Bug was nowhere to be found. I was worried someone stole my car. We planned to stay in a motel room near the beach, and I thought I left it around there. Yes, I was that drunk.
He drove me up and down State Street (our downtown area where the bars are), we went to a bunch of other parking lots, then revisited Lot 10. We both missed it, probably staring us in the face at some point.
We decided to give up until morning. I only recall the parking lot of our motel room. Next thing I remember, I woke up to my pants down and his face between my legs. I didn’t want that and was horrified. I pushed him away and told him to drive me to the parking lot. I found my car right away and drove home filled with humiliation.
Some higher being was watching out for me, making it impossible for me to drive that night. They also make sure I was safe with the guy.
It wasn’t the first time I got myself into trouble, and it wouldn’t be the last.
I experienced more sexual assault while in blackouts. Thank goodness they weren’t violent. This kind of sexual trauma was particularly difficult to overcome because I allowed others to violate my body without protest. I didn’t even know they did anything sometimes. I didn’t recognize it as a violation until years later.
I’ve lost my phone, favorite jewelry, or clothing. None of it compares to losing my self-respect, dignity, and autonomy. I still couldn’t stop drinking.
Memory loss from blackouts is a sign you may have a drinking problem.
You could forget an entire event or the whole night. You might recall glimpses, and the rest is a blur.
Alcoholism has unusual, debilitating side effects. Alcoholics act out of character, betraying trust and destroying relationships, burning bridges, sometimes literally. The most devastating aspects of alcoholism are the disturbing behaviors of the afflicted.
Friends and family of alcoholics have a difficult time understanding and forgiving the alcoholic for their actions. Conceptually, we know it’s the manifestations of illness. It doesn’t make it easier for loved ones. I’ve been on both sides, and it’s exhausting, infuriating, and disheartening for everyone.
I’m thankful my parents don’t know all of the sordid things I did while I was out there drinking and using drugs. I was incredibly fortunate, narrowly escaping disaster quite a few times. Things could have been much worse.
Final thoughts
If you think you have a problem with alcohol, there is a solution. Many find success through working a 12-step program like Alcoholics Anonymous. I worked the steps and have managed to stay sober since 2003.
The key ingredient that helps the most is the fellowship, a support group that understands and relates. It helps to know we’re not alone, and those who’ve come before us have stayed sober through good times and bad.
If you forgot what you did or said last night, and you think you might be an alcoholic, there’s a strong chance you are. The first step is to admit you have a problem. Then ask for help. We’ll be here for you.
Recovery resources:
Alcoholics Anonymous website: aa.org
Alcohol abuse hotline: recovery.org
Resources for alcohol and drug addiction:
Related reads:
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