When Your Mistake Hurts Someone Else

Make amends and move on

Sometimes the only person we hurt by our mistakes is ourselves. Other times, we inflict pain on others. When that happens, we should make a sincere effort to make amends.

Making amends is one of the key parts of 12-step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s not just offering an apology, although that may be part of it.

The process of making amends brings about reconciliation. To be reconciled is to restore friendship or harmony. Jesus made it possible for us to be reconciled to God, and God wants us to be reconciled with one another.

It is only after we have tried to make amends — whether or not we succeed — that we can truly put the past behind us and live in the present.

Jesus made it possible for us to be reconciled to God, and God wants us to be reconciled with one another.

Often when we hurt people, we want to deny responsibility. We try to tell ourselves what we did wasn’t wrong — or at least wasn’t that bad. We excuse ourselves by claiming that the other person was too sensitive. Or we fall back on saying it was an accident, we didn’t mean it, and therefore we don’t have to accept responsibility for it.

But until we face the situation and go to the other person as God tells us to do in the Bible, reconciliation will not happen.

Now, before you start calling or emailing everybody you’ve ever hurt with apologies, stop and think about what you’re doing. Talk to God first. Spend time in prayer, sharing your feelings with God. Tell Him you feel hurt, angry, insecure, embarrassed, or guilty, that you know you’ve hurt someone, and you want to make it right.

But you want to be sure that whatever you do will actually have the results you want and not cause more pain.

Listen for God to tell you what to do and how to do it, and count on Him to tell you to make the first move. I can promise you it’s not likely to be an easy or comfortable move but do it anyway.

We can all learn from the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) — the holiest day of the Jewish year. Atonement means reconciliation, as in bringing together those who have been separated by some act.

Look at the construction of the word: at-one-ment.

Yom Kippur addresses the reconciliation of humans with God, but we can take that concept into our human relationships because God wants us to reconcile with each other.

A key part of making amends is to admit your mistakes — something that’s very difficult for most of us. You’ve probably heard the joke: “I made a mistake once. I thought I was wrong, but I wasn’t.”

I happen to believe that striving for perfection is a good and worthwhile goal, one that God supports. I think too many people use excuses like “I’m only human” and “Everybody makes mistakes” to avoid making the effort of doing their best. Yes, we are only human, but we are made in God’s image, and God is perfect. Of course, part of God’s perfection is His never-ending patience with us.

But to get back to the issue of making amends:

When you are admitting your mistakes, be humble; don’t get defensive, make excuses, or try to shift the blame. Own up to whatever you might have done.

If you’re dealing with an ongoing conflict, attack the problem, not the person. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to agree on everything, so emphasize reconciliation, not resolution. You can make amends and re-establish a relationship, even if you cannot completely resolve your differences. Remember, we can always agree to disagree.

“All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:18–29, NIV).

You may not always have a face-to-face reconciliation with the other person. There will be times that’s not possible — the other person may not be living, or you may not be able to make contact for some reason, or contact would cause more harm than good.

Pray about this, consider talking with a skilled counselor if necessary — be sure that as you work to make amends and achieve reconciliation, you don’t inadvertently do something else for which you’ll need to make amends.

One final thought on making amends: It’s more for your benefit than for the other person. Once you have either successfully made amends or tried your best to do so but have not been successful, let it go and move on so you can live in the present instead of being bogged down by the past.

Thank you for reading this excerpt from my book Finding Joy in the Morning: You can make it through the night.

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