The path to freedom

How to Forgive: 5 Steps Toward Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the key tenets of our Christian faith, but it’s not easy to do.

We must forgive.

Jesus is abundantly clear. When someone hurts us, we must forgive them.

Forgiveness is one of the key tenets of our Christian faith.

God forgives us and we are supposed to forgive one another. But it’s not always easy. Showing mercy and forgiving sinners doesn’t come naturally to us — well, most of us, anyway.

In What’s So Amazing About Grace?, Philip Yancy wrote:

“Because it goes against human nature, forgiveness must be taught and practiced as one would practice any difficult craft.”

Here are five things you can do to take a successful walk on the path to forgiveness.

1. Pray.

When we’re feeling hurt and angry, we tend to focus on those negative emotions and they can block out just about everything else.

Prayer fills us with positive feelings, with mercy and grace and love, so we can move toward forgiving the person who has wronged us.

2. Take an honest and complete look at what really happened.

Step back and look at the big picture. Consider everyone who was involved. Think about their motivations.

Were they acting maliciously or did they just make a dumb mistake?

Sometimes, it really is just one person who is totally at fault. Maybe it was a criminal who broke into your house and stole your things. Maybe it was another driver who wasn’t paying attention and hit your car.

But when hurt and sin enter a relationship — a marriage, a friendship, a family, or even a business relationship — the need for forgiveness is rarely one-sided.

And it’s often caused by more than a single incident. It can be a series of events involving multiple people and difficult choices.

When someone hurts you, it rarely happens as an isolated circumstance. There’s almost always a bunch of other things going on that drive what people do and how they react.

This does not mean you should make excuses or take responsibility for someone else’s wrong behavior, but try to honestly understand it. When you do, you’re several steps closer to forgiveness.

3. Figure out what good can come of the situation.

We can’t change the past. Whatever the offense, whatever pain it caused, we can’t undo it.

But we have a choice about the future. And a key choice we can make is to discover how God can work in your life through the hurt you’ve suffered.

This is not easy to do when you’re in the middle of a painful situation. But when we’re not caught up in negative emotions, most of us can list plenty of times that someone hurt us but things ended up working out for the better.

Back when I was in the corporate world, a promotion I missed because of office politics was replaced by a better job with a better company. And when I left that company to go out on my own, the people there helped me launch my writing career.

I can think of a number of relationships over the years that ended due to a betrayal or a conflict. It hurt, but it made room in my life for other people who helped me grow and become a better person.

There have been plenty of lessons that seemed so bitter at the time but once I forgave and healed, I was able to use the experience to help others get through tough situations.

Can you relate?

Sometimes we need to feel the hurt before we can turn it into something good.

And if we let Him, God will take our hurt and help us make it something that will honor and glorify Him.

4. Let go of getting even.

Forgiveness is not about justice. It’s not about retribution. Let God handle the judgment and justice. And accept that you may never know what that judgment and justice were.

In his letter to the Romans, Paul writes:

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. (Romans 12:19, NIV)

When we’re focused on getting revenge, or maybe not even on revenge but on wanting to see someone suffer for what they did, we can’t forgive. And when we can’t forgive, we can’t heal.

On Oct. 2, 2006, in the village of Nickel Mines near Lancaster, Pennsylvania, Charles Roberts shot 10 girls in an Amish schoolhouse and then killed himself.

On that very day, members of the Nickel Mines community took food to the shooter’s widow.

Six days later, families that had just buried their daughters attended the funeral of the man who killed them. What an amazing example of forgiveness.

I pray that you will never have to test your ability to forgive to that extent, but we can learn from the people who did.

Remember, we can’t change the past. We can only decide how we’re going to live in the future.

And it’s our choice whether we live consumed by bitterness and anger or whether we live in the peace and freedom that comes from forgiving.

5. Pray.

I know, I said it was the first thing you should do.

It’s also the last thing you should do. It’s what you should always do.

When you’re trying to forgive, praying is the most important thing you can do because you can’t do this alone.

God wants us to forgive and He’ll help us do it, but we have to ask and let Him guide us.

Remember this verse in Matthew:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18:21–22, NIV)

Jesus knows forgiving isn’t easy for us, but it’s important to Him. That’s why He told Peter to keep on doing it.

Forgiveness is a process. It’s not a one and done thing.

We need prayer to help us get through the process.

So pray for the strength and wisdom you need to forgive.

And as difficult as you might find it, pray for the person you are forgiving. Jesus tells us to pray for those who persecute us.

Pray for them, just as you pray for yourself and the people you love.

Forgiveness is not linear

One of the concerns a writer has about putting together a list of action steps is that you might get the impression that the process is a linear one.

In the case of forgiveness, it’s absolutely not. You can do these steps in any order, and you’ll probably do several of them simultaneously.

As you do, remember one final thing: forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.

We shouldn’t forgive and forget.

What we should do is forgive and learn.

Forgive and grow.

Forgive and let go.

Forgive and be set free.