When Your Heart is Broken Open

You’ll find an opportunity for a breakthrough

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anaïs Nin

When a cherished gift smashed to the floor, I was ready to blossom.

The gift was symbolic of my broken heart from a broken relationship. I needed it to break open, to initiate my breakthrough.

Our most difficult times can help us grow, bestselling author Elizabeth Lesser suggests in her book, Broken Open.

My ex-boyfriend suggested this book to me a few years after we broke up. He’s the ex who couldn’t stop getting loaded and left me years ago. He gave me the snow globe that eventually broke. When I experience painful events, or when something valuable breaks, I grow. There are no accidents.

It only took a moment for my Ave Maria snow globe to shatter.

My then 2-year-old, Noa, said she was sorry for dropping the globe. My oldest daughter, Orion, cried hard. I was silent. I reminded them it was an accident and everything is temporary.

After nine years together, Maria was gone from my life.

Orion confirmed she was sad because she knows Maria came from my dear friend long ago. I told them it’s a material thing and wasn’t meant to last. She was meaningful because of who gave her to me.

I went about the task of cleaning glass and glitter from the floor, amongst a mildly stinky puddle of water. Noa was surrounded by shards of glass where she had been playing. Then I accidentally broke her wings off. The girls calmed down, but were exhausted and subsequently sensitive. I broke down, challenged by traces of glass on the floor.

Then we all cried together. The symbolism suddenly hit, of the broken glass, the stench of the water, and the difficulty cleaning it up. And breaking her wings. Oh my, it was painful. Her music was playing with the broken glass surrounding her.

I knew I couldn’t keep her, unless someone removed the broken parts. Kind of like my ex. Can anyone remove our broken parts?

Alas, she was on my kitchen counter a month and a week later. I couldn’t throw her out yet. She sat beside other random broken things, including an angel figurine with broken wings, waiting for us to glue them back on. Orion called her a fairy. Whatever she is, she needs wings. It’s kind of mandatory for fairies and angels.

I usually have a rule not to keep broken things.

I didn’t have the heart to let go of Maria. She arrived at my doorstep on Christmas of 2009, wrapped in plain brown paper. In black marker, the message read, “Don’t open until Christmas. From Santa.” I only knew one person who would drop off a gift in this way.

He never told me he played Santa that year, or why he chose a heavy, 4-inch snow globe. But I’m pretty sure I know. We disagreed about the ownership of a particular glass paperweight that year. He took it when he moved, and I was disappointed. Maria replaced the paperweight and held more significance because of our disagreement.

It was a risk to keep a glass globe at toddler level. She was on a hardwood floor, and was destined to die there. But my girls love her, too, and I’ve found joy in them playing her music and listening to me sing along.

Why was this such a big deal? The symbolic nature of a thing can add weight and depth. She had both.

Why am I grateful she broke open?

I had a unique snow globe that played Ave Maria for almost a decade. I smiled every time I remembered who gave her to me, and how deeply I care for him. I witnessed impermanence in action.

I practiced acceptance and surrender, modeling for my children. It was a blessing in disguise, as I embraced the near-death of our song. I broke open the floodgates of emotion I needed to address. I began to heal from our breakup long ago.

A year later, I still had Broken Maria. I hammered out most of the glass shards. We continued to enjoy her music and angelic face until I threw her away when we moved. She had the face of hope, of a dream. She was like a blooming rosebud.

Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together.~Marilyn Monroe

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Originally published on my personal blog, gratefulx365.wordpress.com. Let’s stay in touch. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and LinkedIn. Thanks for reading.